for the past couple of months i've been wanting to write a story that i've been thinking about so often, and maybe even one day make it into a tv show or a book. it was a silly idea my friends and i came up with but we brainstormed so many things, and we started to take seriously. i have always loved writing, and thinking up scenarios in my head, but i never thought of making a career out of it. i enrolled in college for environmental science, because i thought i wanted a career in science, another thing i was very interested in when i was little. i dropped out after a semester and i was unemployed for a bit until i got a job at this restaurant i work at as a dishwasher. it's not terrible, not like the fast food place i worked at in high school, but i am not happy there. i feel like every day is the same. i don't want to be a dishwasher. i feel like such a failure. on top of that, i'm chronically mentally ill and agoraphobic. i think i might be autistic and have ocd but i don't have an official diagnosis yet. i don't have health insurance and i am not really in a financial position to get therapy right now. i'm 20 years old and a stoner who stays in their room most of the time if i'm not at work. i've gotten better, but there was a point when i was unemployed and dropped out of college, inside all day every day, sleeping through the day and staying up all night to get high and play video games. i was looking for a job, obviously, but i wasn't getting any interviews. until i applied as a dishwasher for this relatively small family owned restaurant. i feel like i don't fit in at all, and most days i just turn my brain off, listen to music or a youtube video, and stay in my own world, ignoring everyone around me. only occasionally speaking when others acknowledged me. recently i've been talking to people more and i feel proud of my improvements. i got a girlfriend last year, and she's been a big help in my journey to mental health. i have a long long way to go and lots of childhood trauma to unpack, but i have a hope that i can get better. the thought of writing a story feels like it's my path. i want to make the idea i have for this show a reality, but i can't bring myself to just??? do it???? like the initial buzz i had just ran out after i wrote a few pages of notes and a first draft. i still think about it so often in my head, usually at work because i literally have nothing better to do than think, but i get home and i'm so burnt out from masking and dealing with so many people that i just wanna get high and waste time online. i have to admit i have gotten better at being offline, and i spent time outside of my room more often. i deleted basically every social media except for instagram, and i don't use that often. i have discord so me and my friends and gf can call when we play but i only talk to them because we actually have been irl together, like a friend i met in college that i still keep contact with. so, i clearly am ready for a new stage of my life entering my 20s. but it feels so overwhelming to know what i need to do. i feel like perhaps a therapist can help me with finding a clear path, and i'm working on that, but right now i feel stuck. and burnt out. anyways i started watching welcome to the n.h.k. recently and that has kinda been a wake up call to me lmao.. proud to say i'm not as bad as he is but unfortunately i do see myself in him a lot and i DO NOT want to end up like him. yikes. so yeah, maybe one day i can make this idea into a reality.

Heyo RENTEN! The initial buzz you mentioned is motivation that is unfortunately hard to count with and unreliable. I've been stuck with making any progress on my projects for years and the only thing that actually helps is building discipline. Creating anything is a long-term marathon and making even small bits of progress every couple of days adds up. A friend of mine understands this and pursues his creative art after 12h shifts, trying his best to stay disciplined and make progress. It's very difficult and as far as I know, there's no way to make it easier besides discipline. Identify what takes up your free time and try to use some of it for creative purposes. Something that helped me is completely quitting MMOs and no longer watching short-type content like tiktoks (I assume that's what you meant by mentioning deleting social media). It's actual hypnosis that eats so much time lol.

I don't know if my thoughts on this matter are of any help. I did manage to release a videogame and the experience from that helps me continue pushing it, but it took a lot of time to learn to work and treat creative stuff with enough seriousness to accomplish anything. I wish you good luck!!

It's been a while since I sent anything on here, and yet it still is the place I feel most comfortable and sensible when vocalizing my thoughts, feelings, and processes. A while ago,o I was dealing with serious thoughts of suicide as well as extreme acts of violence. However, with much more effort than I wish I expended, ed I have managed to regain my footing, if only a little bit. I've started making a bit more money, ney although I am not anywhere near where I want to be. I have found a somewhat decent plan to rectify my college issues, and I am in a slightly better mental state than I was before. Nevertheless, I have found myself at an impasse. Even with all the progress I've made, that, in the grand scheme of things, has been exponential. I feel blank. I feel absolutely nothing. I try to perform emotions that don't feel real, and I've honestly forgotten what real emotions feel like. On top of the fact that I am still struggling with this frustration addiction with lust, which leaves me no room for comfortable solitude. I'm unsure if I'm doing something wrong in my plan or if the changes I am trying to achieve are not possible for me, but it's quite frustrating.

Yet that explanation is too vague to fully do justice to what I'm perceiving. I've been working hard to limit the effect my emotions have on my outward appearance, trying to stop the "performing of existence" that has been so ingrained into my life. However, I keep falling short. My brain understands the fundamentals needed for the change, the study, the practice, but when I'm in the actual act, I just fall short.

I've been trying to look at different approaches. I've read "The 48 Laws of Power", "The Laws of Human Nature", Musashi's "Book of Five Rings", and I am still trying to apply my study. I've tried incorporating more interest-based STEM studies, which I actually enjoy. I've tried working out more. I'm even planning on dieting. I've attempted meditation on the aspects and absoluteness of my inevitable death. Yet I feel like I am doing everything at just 70%. I feel like there is something crucial that I am missing to start making "absolute" changes. As Musashi put it, I feel like I'm missing "the spirit of the thing."

Hola, recién me vi envuelta en una situación un tanto... complicada. Soy una persona que cree plenamente que una relación (no necesariamente romántica) funciona en base al respeto y sobre todo confianza. Así como la otra persona confía en mi, yo debo de confiar en ella, si, entendiendo que algunas cosas es preferible no contarlas en X momento, pero tarde o temprano uno lo tendrá que decir, es en esos momentos donde realmente confiamos en la otra persona pero... ¿Qué sucede cuando aun así, la otra persona miente? ¿Te llevarías una decepción? ¿Es doloroso? ¿Te sentirías traicionado? Yo sentí todo eso y tal vez un poco mas cuando me vi envuelta en toda esta situación. Mi respeto, confianza, cariño y demás cosas, se convirtieron en ira... en odio hacia aquella persona.
Pero aun así, tengo una sonrisa en mi rostro y le digo "Todo estará bien" cuando realmente nada esta bien. Quisiera solo desaparecer y no volverlo a ver, olvidarme de esta persona y dejar todo atrás, pero no es fácil olvidar a alguien con quien pasaste buenos momentos, con quien compartiste tanto y a su vez nada... Todo era una fachada para acercarte a ti.
Fui una tonta al caer dos veces en el mismo truco, el no saber que es real y que realmente es verdad, cuando tu eras el más verdadero de ambos. Aun me duele pensar en esto, fue una puñalada directa al corazón. Cuando todo esto sucedió yo solo tenia una sonrisa falsa en mi rostro y repitiendo las mismas palabras "Todo estará bien" "Seguiremos con esto" "No te puedo odiar" Pero nada podía seguir igual... No se que hacer, esa persona llego a ser alguien importante para mi, no mentía cuando me preocupaba por el, no mentía cuando reíamos, no mentí en ningún aspecto... Pero el, decidió traicionarme... no tengo el suficiente coraje para decirle en la cara todo lo que he escrito aquí, lo único que puedo hacer es ahogarme en mi propio sufrimiento.

yo realmente, quiero morir...

Si aún estás por aquí, me gustaría saber más sobre lo que pasó. No te conozco personalmente, pero eso no significa que debas desaparecer. Espero que puedas recibir este mensaje pronto.

Hola, soy la persona detrás de este hilo, las cosas mejoraron un poco después de escribir esto...