Hello, I hope everyone still on here is doing well. I'm in need of a bit of assistance. I've been struggling with a p*rn addiction since I was 10~ maybe a bit younger. It's not been a fun experience. I've already had tons of issues with procrastination but this made it much worse. Anytime something made me anxious or doubtful I would fall back on p*rn. I've only ever told one friend about the problem in my whole life and only vaguely covered the issue with my mother but she wasn't really helpful. My friend on the other hand was. He was far more understanding and helpful but, in the end he had his own life so, I fell back into trying and failing to deal with the problem on my own. It obviously hasn't been going well. From failing to get into the college that I wanted. To settle in a bad position to go to a college that my mother wanted me to go to. To then being manipulated into staying there and then falling off grade wise due to the stress and all the while dealing with the p*rn addiction.

I kept trying and failing to rectify my mistakes, fix my grades, find more opportunities but, my position, mental, and emotional state was already chalked. On top of all of that it felt like everything I attempted to do to fix the problems just failed the moment I tried to even go for them. From school staff and officials not knowing the information in their own handbooks. I missed opportunities because my Uni was so far away from any reasonable transportation options. It got to be too much. I made 2 attempts on my life at Uni. The first one I backed out. The second failed, I attempted to hang myself and the rope broke. After that I became completely reclusive. I stopped going to class, I couldn't even talk to my old friends. Even now, I can't speak to them. I feel like a failure and that they want nothing to do with me. But of course, the addiction never stopped. It became the only thing I could try to work on. I've spent the past 3~yrs trying to break this addiction. Failing again and again. It's gotten so bad now that I've started getting more comfortable hurting myself. I've bought multiple knives that I've used on myself. I've told no one about it and I am very precise to leave nothing obvious. It's starting to become clearer to me that I'm getting closer to a point where I can kill myself without backing out. I've even considered buying poisons from DNWs and using those on myself.

This addiction is likely going to be the death of me. I only ended up making it worse by buying something I should have. And it's only making the feeling of these desires feel even more uncontrollable. It's so bad I've made tons of p*run accounts and I will find myself just scrolling through the sites for hours on end, aimlessly until I inevitably fall back. What's interesting is a bit ago my Minecraft account got hacked. It was my own fault but it was really important to me. Losing that account made me completely desensitised but, It also completely culled the feelings for a while. I think it was almost a month and a half. That was the longest I went without falling into my addiction. But it also was the cause of me buying that "thing" that hasn't helped me.

Now I'm stuck. A part of me wanted badly to just get rid of the thing and just do anything to fix myself but, I can't see anything. I can't see anything beyond this addiction. Beyond these suicidal thoughts because of it. Beyond being a failure that's only continuing to fuel the problem. I can't trust myself to talk to anyone even though I know that would likely be more helpful, this is all I can think to do.

Does anyone have any idea, anything I can do to fix this.