Hi guys...I'm 23, turning 24 in December and have spent most of my adolescence in online spaces, like stan twitter and spam instagram, blah blah. For the longest time I used my proximity (college, grade school, coworkers) and these online spaces for friendships. But I'm an adult now. And it's hard to just have time to go outside, let alone speak to new people. So, I have been thinking about my old internet friends, and tried to reach out to one, but turns out she had changed her number. We followed each other on instagram, but she had also deactivated recently. We barely know each other anymore, and ahvent spoken in two years, and yet it feels like my heart has completely shattered in two. I think it's the nostalgia. I never felt alone back then as a teenager; I always had people to talk to, and now that everyone's so busy, me included, I feel a loneliness more profound that I ever have before. I need to stop thinking about people I used to know, and figure out how to find joy in my life now so I can stop feeling nostalgic, but my life just sucks so bad in this moment that all I can feel is the yearning for the past connections I had. Does anyone know how to ease this? It feels like these a massive hole in my heart. It feels like the rest of the world has moved on and I'm completely stuck, and I'm terrified of it, but I don't have the means to keep moving, at least not for two years. Please help! :(

It's been a while since I sent anything on here, and yet it still is the place I feel most comfortable and sensible when vocalizing my thoughts, feelings, and processes. A while ago,o I was dealing with serious thoughts of suicide as well as extreme acts of violence. However, with much more effort than I wish I expended, ed I have managed to regain my footing, if only a little bit. I've started making a bit more money, ney although I am not anywhere near where I want to be. I have found a somewhat decent plan to rectify my college issues, and I am in a slightly better mental state than I was before. Nevertheless, I have found myself at an impasse. Even with all the progress I've made, that, in the grand scheme of things, has been exponential. I feel blank. I feel absolutely nothing. I try to perform emotions that don't feel real, and I've honestly forgotten what real emotions feel like. On top of the fact that I am still struggling with this frustration addiction with lust, which leaves me no room for comfortable solitude. I'm unsure if I'm doing something wrong in my plan or if the changes I am trying to achieve are not possible for me, but it's quite frustrating.

Yet that explanation is too vague to fully do justice to what I'm perceiving. I've been working hard to limit the effect my emotions have on my outward appearance, trying to stop the "performing of existence" that has been so ingrained into my life. However, I keep falling short. My brain understands the fundamentals needed for the change, the study, the practice, but when I'm in the actual act, I just fall short.

I've been trying to look at different approaches. I've read "The 48 Laws of Power", "The Laws of Human Nature", Musashi's "Book of Five Rings", and I am still trying to apply my study. I've tried incorporating more interest-based STEM studies, which I actually enjoy. I've tried working out more. I'm even planning on dieting. I've attempted meditation on the aspects and absoluteness of my inevitable death. Yet I feel like I am doing everything at just 70%. I feel like there is something crucial that I am missing to start making "absolute" changes. As Musashi put it, I feel like I'm missing "the spirit of the thing."

Hola, recién me vi envuelta en una situación un tanto... complicada. Soy una persona que cree plenamente que una relación (no necesariamente romántica) funciona en base al respeto y sobre todo confianza. Así como la otra persona confía en mi, yo debo de confiar en ella, si, entendiendo que algunas cosas es preferible no contarlas en X momento, pero tarde o temprano uno lo tendrá que decir, es en esos momentos donde realmente confiamos en la otra persona pero... ¿Qué sucede cuando aun así, la otra persona miente? ¿Te llevarías una decepción? ¿Es doloroso? ¿Te sentirías traicionado? Yo sentí todo eso y tal vez un poco mas cuando me vi envuelta en toda esta situación. Mi respeto, confianza, cariño y demás cosas, se convirtieron en ira... en odio hacia aquella persona.
Pero aun así, tengo una sonrisa en mi rostro y le digo "Todo estará bien" cuando realmente nada esta bien. Quisiera solo desaparecer y no volverlo a ver, olvidarme de esta persona y dejar todo atrás, pero no es fácil olvidar a alguien con quien pasaste buenos momentos, con quien compartiste tanto y a su vez nada... Todo era una fachada para acercarte a ti.
Fui una tonta al caer dos veces en el mismo truco, el no saber que es real y que realmente es verdad, cuando tu eras el más verdadero de ambos. Aun me duele pensar en esto, fue una puñalada directa al corazón. Cuando todo esto sucedió yo solo tenia una sonrisa falsa en mi rostro y repitiendo las mismas palabras "Todo estará bien" "Seguiremos con esto" "No te puedo odiar" Pero nada podía seguir igual... No se que hacer, esa persona llego a ser alguien importante para mi, no mentía cuando me preocupaba por el, no mentía cuando reíamos, no mentí en ningún aspecto... Pero el, decidió traicionarme... no tengo el suficiente coraje para decirle en la cara todo lo que he escrito aquí, lo único que puedo hacer es ahogarme en mi propio sufrimiento.

yo realmente, quiero morir...

Si aún estás por aquí, me gustaría saber más sobre lo que pasó. No te conozco personalmente, pero eso no significa que debas desaparecer. Espero que puedas recibir este mensaje pronto.

Hola, soy la persona detrás de este hilo, las cosas mejoraron un poco después de escribir esto...

I don't understand why, but I feel so guilty whenever l open up about myself or my mental health. It's like I'm a negative person and some other stuffs. It makes me feel so pathetic.

I hope nobody in your life is making you feel that way, but I get how it feels from within.

you're not a negative person. you're not pathetic. everyone struggles - not to minimize your feelings, but just to say, everyone has negative moments. its part of life. its totally fine to be in the dumps sometimes, esp if you're dealing with mental health issues.

maybe see if there's anyone in your life you can help a little. anyone you can make smile. anything you can do to brighten another's day. even a pet or a plant counts. make note of those things, each little one. write them down in a notebook, even, give yourself a physical record to look back on - and pat yourself on the back for them, cuz you deserve it. let them stack up, and congrats, you are, objectively, a positive influence on the world ! maybe that could combat the guilt, then. 'I've helped others a lot, I can give myself a break and be helped instead sometimes'

cuz it feels good to help other people. & /letting/ people help you back, even if it's only a tiny amount, lets them feel good about themselves, too. People connect through ALL emotions, not just happiness, yknow?

& always thank people for trying, even if they couldn't help you a whole lot. it's good to take a moment to acknowledge the effort. acknowledge that you're loved. even while sad. you'll prob feel a little better just for that, and the other person will too

hey @1dolr thanks for this. some stuff you have mention so ive been doing that ever since 2019 when i met my bestfriend who i think of it as a family.

During my Highschool and Senior Highschool Days wayback ive always been used, fake friends even i want to hang out it, betrayed since then ive developed PTSD even finishing highschool when i enter Senior Highschool i was very independent on my own yet i still drop even 4 subjects left no issues on grades, im happy yet i felt something missing and i even questioned that day why did i dropout then developed depression with PTSD triggering.

Thats when 2019 comes in what i have mentioned etc. I really did my best and everything outcomes too yet during this year 2026 college im only 2 subjects left yet i cannot fufill its transfer school or continue due for issues the Dean and Chairprogram questioned hints me that its impossible now to finish.

The issues i have mentioned it started on December because of burnout from research yet this 3 members i have in groups are scared for the leader or stand up i couldnt even brin it to dean due it might backfired and it did happen ko January just WOW. Going back in burnout in December my bestfriend and i were playing yet gets mad on me even hurtful messages i just get down and shutdown thinking what i have done i just want to enjoy our momemts. Now in January i mentioned this problem yet the conversation gets thru chaotic even hurtful messages and bringing up past even the person is changed. I havent gone to school in the start of January till today now. I even used SWEAR for last chance because im going to set it right now this kind of situation and all. Because we shared the dream plans and goals as well.