Deleted this in another thread and posting it here instead
I feel like a poser. I've been in a weird spot in life for the last 4, almost 5 months? I feel like I lack an identity or any sort of purpose. I have no means to express myself, people around me or way to pursue my goals. But I keep moving anyway, I keep finding things with meaning to me and I keep reminding myself of what I want to become. Because my purpose is to make it out of here. To move somewhere where I can express myself and have a shell to contain these, idk, shapeless goals and aspirations I have? I don't see a reason to exist, but there's a girl who loves me and wants us to live together. She's my hope and reminds me of my humanity. We live across the country and her life is so much better than mine, she's so much prettier than me and yet she still wants me there. Not just to rescue me, but because somehow a person like me can still bring value to her life. I can't ever stop looking up to her. But I want to be worth looking up to, too. I just need to keep praying and hoping that someday things will change and I can leave this mess I'm stuck in. Someday. As long as she's there on the other side of the screen, someday. Idk.

I'm gonna leave to visit her in 12 days. I'll visit the place that once was my home. It hurts. But at least I get to see her, for 2 weeks. We used to live together for 6 months, but something happened and I've been staying at my mother's house for the last 4 months. I was only supposed to be here for 2 weeks, as I lived with her and her parents before this and they haven't given me an answer as to if I'm ever going to live with them again. It looks like it's going to be a no. This started as a break, the girl and I broke up, but we're still close. The breakup didn't really change much besides some boundaries and restrictions. But her parents found out and made me stay here. They said it would be a break, that we needed some time apart before we could live together again, but then the economy crashed and they've been working twice as more as before. If it gets any worse they'll probably never be able to take me in. But my environment is toxic, I can't stay here. I want to go to college and get a job and have friends, and I want to feel like a person and express myself. I'm doing the best I can to feel like someone here, but I'm still alone. I make a wish every day, almost like a prayer for her parents to take me in again. Idk. I've been working on a journal since december last year. It feels nice to put my words out somewhere where somebody can read it.

I have plans. I want to make an online identity since I can't express myself thoroughly in real life. I want to make someone I can want to be. I also want to make a website just like the Dollars :> I wanna say I've made something, and I wanna use that to meet people and help people meet people and even if those things already exist, it'll be fun and I hope my life will snowball from that point. I wanna be known.

I feel like that moment of clarity I had expired. I'm back to my old self, but at least that person's grown. I'm dealing with old feelings and old thoughts but idk what to do about it. I'm scared of things that don't make sense because I'm overwhelmed by fears that do. I got a donation on my gofundme recently, putting me at 876 dollars to try to move out with. It's 23 dollars more than before, and I'm extremely grateful, but I feel so small and alone right now. I owe it to her and myself to be strong and get through this but today's gonna be a long day. She's going to a party and she's gonna be physically affectionate with people and every time she does this, I get scared my lack of experience and stuff is gonna make me less appealing to her. I know it isn't true but I guess I wanna hear her say it. But I'm scared to ask her. Maybe I should just do it.

It's summer. I hate this so much summer is always terrible for me I feel trapped and I can't go outside I feel alone I don't know what to do this is always the worst for me but I have to do it nayway I feel like im going insane or like i could throwup idk what to do I hate this so much it feels like the old me I hate the old me but no I have to do this I dont even get my own environment I snappe out of a months long period of dissiciation and it was snowing and so cold is everyhting I know and now Im forced to feel like the old me and it makes it really hard to do anything I hate spending summer alone i hate it here I cant do anything but suffer

I'm thinking about just giving up. I have to set my expectations lower every day, so I may as well just not want to be anything. It's the same as last time. I don't want to forget but this is life. I don't have a reason to remember. That life is long gone, and my only hope of starting my life is years in the future as someone else. I wonder if she'll even be there too. I hope so. I know I'm gonna be stuck here forever. Never experiencing the pleasures of life, floating without a purpose. Idk. I wish I had a job and some friends and an environment where i can be percieved positively and I wanna be a girl and I want girl friends and I want to be loved and I want to have value and I want to go to college and I want to have a life. I spend every day inside, sometimes going outside sometimes doing workouts and trying to get through the day because that's my purpose. Seeing tomorrow. I wish I had money I wish I had a car I wish I had a house to live in with her but there's nothing I can do to fix this so I may as well expect nothing to change. I should try to hold onto whatever humanity I have left

Hey Vivi, I'm not going to try and sugarcoat it, because I'm in a similar position. But, find something, anything no matter how far fetched and chase is. Chase it with everything you've got. That will and obsession is the only thing that stopped me from killing myself. Even now I feel like I'm nowhere close, I still want to keep trying though. So, at least you know I'm trying with you.

I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you Anon, let's do this together

She got a girlfriend. But it's.. weird? It doesn't devalue me in any way. She loves me. She even said that if we weren't packmates (term we use to describe what we are), *we'd* be girlfriends. I think she said she could have multiple girlfriends and she agreed to be girlfriends because it sounded fun or something, but she got agitated when I started asking more questions. I've been dealing with a lot of old trauma recently, and I get scared she's gonna leave me for her girlfriend. She told me before she couldn't be happy in a relationship. But idk what she described it made it sound like girlfriends was more about the label than the bond. Like she said, if we werent packmates we'd be girlfriends. I hope I can be a good packmate girlfriend, even if we aren't girlfriends. She told me having a girlfriend doesn't affect us, which means we're still going to live together.
I talked with a friend about it. Somehow we both think it sounds like she wants a girlfriend and this is making up for something I can't provide or something idk. Phrased it poorly. She loves me.

It's raining, and I wish those fragments of heaven could reach me from here.

It turns out the problem is me. I've been dissociating harder than I realized, I feel like I dreamt recent events. I still don't know where I lie with her. I don't know how long she'll have both a packmate and a girlfriend, but I shouldn't think that far ahead into the future. "And looking only at the day after tomorrow won't bring me an answer--I know that."
If I want a life like hers, I should let myself be a part of it. I'm not allergic to change.

I've been in contact with another homeless shelter. I'm gonna spend the first 2-4 days staying active with them to try to get referrals as soon as possible. Worst case scenario, I have to fly back to Cali to get to the shelter.

Whatever. Let's do this.

I've lived for other people for the longest time, and my obsession with her was caused by that. I want a girlfriend, but I also want to see if she'd be comfortable calling eachother girlfriends again. Idk.

I went to a dive bar with my friends last night, got a little drunk, and watched some bands perform in this really awesome little bar/laundromat. I feel like the fog lifted and I can exist for myself now. It's more complicated than a breakup and she's poly, so idk. I won't ask and I'll see how it plays out. Whatever happens happens, and I'll be ok. She'll be in my life either way, I just wanna have fun!

This really sucks
We're just friends now

Hiya Vivi. I honestly can't imagine how you're feeling rn, so I won't say your feelings are invalid. It's fine, it could possibly get better, but even if it doesn't, at least you can still see her.

Thanks "Nuh uh" :>
I'm at my second day of the trip, and we're still figuring out what we are. There's a lot to unpack, but we're getting a lot closer now, and she said she wants to get closer to me too! Idk what that means, or what I'll mean to her, but I'm not complaining :> we're trying to make plans together

Last night she helped me go through my old clothes to pick what I wanted to donate. I realized a lot of my clothes made me dysphoric (mtf trans) and I wanted to burn them lol. We're going shopping tomorrow and she's buying me a bra :> she's a good friend.

>>14 yippee :>
that sound nice!

I lost a necklace that i loved :( it didn't hold any sentimental value or anything but it looked really nice...

A lot has changed since I first visited. I ran away from home and I'm staying at a homeless shelter now. There's so much more opportunity for me here, even while homeless. I've met a lot of people and I'm searching for work! My ex and I have been figuring out our relationship and I'm pretty sure we're deciding on friends. I went to a bonfire with some of my new friends and a girl complimented my freckles :3

I'm worried about what will happen if I catch a crush on someone and if I get into a relationship with someone. I need to figure out my feelings for my ex and what are relationship is really gonna be like, because it might not have stopped evolving. But maybe I'm reading too much into it and I should be prioritizing myself over my relationship with her, idk. I've thought about polyamory but maybe that's not for me. These days I've been getting butterflies for no reason now ".-. There's a lot to think about.

The shelter is going to help me get a new id and health insurance and college and food stamps. I'm going to a program today to get that stuff started, yay! I'm gonna study psychology and whatever it takes to be a children's therapist. I've wanted to do that since middle school and I'd rather not give up on that.

I hung out with some friends and played guitar in front of people for the first time. Apparently I'm good ':3 I'm really happy about that. I want to start a band, go on tour or perform at house shows. That would be amazing. I need to think of a name!!!

I'm using a laptop in a public library :3 I feel so cool

My ex and I have a weird relationship.

We don't feel like a friendship or any close relationship, but we still care about eachother.

We never get any quality time. She never asks to hang out and she never puts time aside when I want to make plans. I have to line up with her schedule, and I never do.

There's just no point in asking her about it.

She just wants me to be someone to talk to. No matter how much she cares about me, that's all I am. This is a deeply unfulfilling and unsatisfying relationship.

I care about her, I love her even (not love like romantically but as a friend). But she doesn't put any effort into our friendship. We only exist in each others worlds and it's really, really lame.

It messes with my head because I know she cares about me. But she's not willing to act on it or show me anything more than a text about her day or life.

It's on me to make any decisions regarding us. She doesn't want to actually hang out, she only wants to talk about it. So I shouldn't ask anymore. She'll reach out if she ever wants to, and I can find people who actually wanna spend time with me.

How can you care about a person and want to keep them in your life but never want to spend any time with them? It isn't fair. It's an online friendship even though we're a 20 minute drive and an hour and a half bus ride away.

It's not an enjoyable friendship at all :/ You act in ways that tell me you care about me but you don't show it. You don't hang out ever. Even if you've got everthing figured out, I can't play along with this.

I just need better people to be attached to.

That last post might've been a disociative episode now that i think about it ;P

I needed to get the feelings out at least.

Wahhh I hate potentially having bpd. I think she was a favorite person for a while and I'm still trying to lose that. Any time she gives me a lot of positive attention it makes me relapse a little. It feels too good and I get mad when I don't get it. If she wants this kind of relationship I should spend more time away from her. I've been doing that :> meeting new people and stuff. There's a girl I have a crush on but I can't make any moves until I feel like I've sorted things out regarding my ex. I need to get completely over her and stop seeing her positive attention as a sign she wants to be close again. She doesn't :P And if she does.. WTF am I gonna do??? I can't read what she wants from me. There's no consistency, but that must be a part of what she wants I think. I think maybe she wants me to be someone she can go to whenever she feels like it and not someone she wants to be involved with or hang out with. I can't really have that ;P I mean I guess I can but it's very one sided and even as a friendship that's pretty lame. The instability makes it harder to get over her but I can't seek stability from her xd so I should make space instead

No I wasn't being stupid she genuinely treats me like a tool to be used

>>21 Bruh. F Her then, that's annoying

I'm so thankful to have what I have. The shelter I live at is really great. Public transit is a blessing. I have food and shelter, I have a whole world to see. I'm working with people to get started on a job, college, and finding housing. I can't believe this is my life. I still feel like a kid at times, but having a job will solve that. I'll keep growing up, after all I'm only 19. Crazy that 2 years ago I was 17 and suffering. I have so more growth to make.

I've been here for a month now :> Only a month. I miss everyone.

>>21 yeah I know right? It's so frustrating

It's crazy that I've lived here for almost 2 months now. So much has changed since I first got here, I'm slowly inching my way to finding my own place to live, I'm desperately searching for work lol. I've started taking my art more seriously and I'm learning to draw for real and play drums. I journal every day to work on my memory, but sometimes I mess up and doomscroll for too long. I want a flip phone, I want a cd player, I want a digital camera. I'm too dissociated right now to really talk about myself much, but a lot has changed since then. I feel human, at least a little more than I did 3 months ago. June 14 marks the 1 year anniversary of when I first moved to Cali. Now I live here. This is my life now and I've ached for this. It's crazy how much has changed, I almost forget how badly I suffered. I live in a shelter now, yes, but the opportunity here is thick and tangible. I feel like I'm dreaming, but I've barely started. It only gets better from here, but the excitement's died down ever so slightly. Just enough for me to focus :>

Today I got moved up to the dorms at my shelter! I'll be sleeping in a room for the first time in two months :> on June 14th I'm having a party with my friends to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of me first moving to cali! I'm excited :>

I'm beyond pissed. There was nothing to work out with her. I move across the country, I'm homeless. I put everything into this emotionally unintelligent asshole. She's done nothing good for me. She's been gaslighting and manipulative and genuinely one of the worst people I've ever met. I'm still recovering from it all, I hate her so much. I did so much for her, and I've worked so hard on myself. I've made a life here and I can never go back.

I hate her so much. She's done nothing but lie and mistreat me, and I'm so pissed things are working out with her gf, her gf is so nice and my ex doesn't deserve her. I never wanna let anger consume me but holy fuck, it's obnoxious that someone like her gets away with doing this to me. Fuck.

I'll heal.

Frrr it's frustrating to see people who are awful have they're way with everything.... But ya the most we can do is not let the hate fester and be part of our life and let our hearts and mind move on it's ok to have hate and anger like obv it's natural and u shud take ur time with sorting things and moving on but yk uve come such a long way from where u started and ur only gunna keep growing be proud of that! Even if she's got everything nothings move valuable than a good heart

It's been a bit since I updated this. I've been really busy with school and finding a job. I'm still homeless, I had to blow through most of what I had left to get to school every day :/ I'm recovering from insomnia (and by recovering I mean still experiencing it). My body's doing this weird thing now where it tries to force myself to operate with what little sleep I got, so I'm constantly running on 30% battery without realizing it. I feel perfectly fine but I know I'm not. Anyway tho, getting a concussion sucked. Idk if I mentioned but I'm on concussion number two and it made me relapse hard as fuck lmao. I turn twenty in a month and 2 weeks which is really scary. I'm in a rough emotional drought and I'm inching my way forward towards getting an apartment n stuff. I'm making a lot of mistakes but it's better than having nothing at all. I'm fighting for my life and it gives my life a meaning I never had, I have opportunities to meet so many new people and my passion for things keeps growing. I'm trying to move on from my ex, things have NOT been normal at all. But I also found out that one of my friends is almost romantically close to my ex, and idk how to feel about it. I've mostly moved on, but if they ever got together I'd probably die/j. But my friend talked to me about it, she understands the kind of person my ex is and isn't trying to get too attached, she admitted to me that the affection is likely temporary. I feel bad for my friend, but I hope everything's ok idk. I'm working on improving my drawing and musical skills, once i get a job I'm gonna have so many new materials to work with and it's gonna be awesome. My band is trying to set something up so we can finally start doing band practice and I'm super excited. I've also thought about starting a solo project once I get the resources. Super stoked! I'm a long ways from where I was at the start of the year :> but nowhere near where I'm meant to be. I'm still really disoriented and running on 5 hours of sleep after missing 1-2 hours a night for a week after not sleeping for 3 days straight and it's really messing with me lol. I'll figure it out! But definitely looking into a therapist lmao.

I got hired!!! And I got a call from a housing assistance program!!! They're gonna help me find housing :>

Never give up gang

>>30 Congrats!

My job’s next to my old home where I lived with my ex. I’m taunted with my old life nearly every day. I’m still learning to see her as a person in my past and not someone I’m still close with. My heart knows she’s hurt me, my mind knows I should stay away, but my instinct is to suck up to her. She blocked me with a five minute voice message, saying I “should be over her” and “the breakup was over a year ago.” It’s dismissive and cruel. If the “breakup” really happened she wouldn’t have flown me here, we wouldn’t have been begging her parents to let me move back. Regardless of if she never cared or not, the way she’s treated me has been cruel and manipulative. I’m fighting for my life out here, I still deal with homelessness. Nothing she’s said and done, ESPECIALLY not the five minute long voice message (???), has made any sense. I can’t rationalize it. I hate that I have to give up my old life because of one shitty person. There’s a lot I can’t get into but she’s changed. She’s throwing away her life by forcing herself to “grow up” and “be more normal.” I hate how easy it is for her to manipulate me. I have so much healing to do, I hate this so much. I’ll be ok.

I have a lot of healing to do. It suck realizing that shitty people exist, let alone realizing that you’ve lost nearly a year of your life to them, but a lot of good came out of this. I can learn to be my own person in time, I just have to heal and the first step to healing is letting myself move on. There’s so much I wish I could’ve shown her, but maybe one day I’ll get to show it to someone else.

I GOT A LAPTOP!!! I finally had enough and got one on facebook marketplace, the guy who sold it to me gave me an 80 dollar discount because of how slow it ended up being, but after uninstalling some bloatware and stuff it actually runs fine :DDDD

I need to start putting more effort into myself. I should work on myself more and actually try to heal from my traumas. I realized I talk about my problems WAY too much and it's a problem. I don't know what I need to do but first step is getting a therapist and a healthcare provider. ALSOASLO I'm starting progesterone soon!!!! yeyeyeyey

My best friend just called me to say she's gonna be friends with my ex ;-; and that they have a lot in common.. I really didn't need to hear this right now, jesus fucking christ. I don't know what to do, I wanna keep being friends but I want my ex out of my life as much as possible. I don't know if I can keep being friends after everything that happened with my ex and how she's treated me. I don't get how people are just fine with her, I don't get it. I just want to move on, why does it feel like she's haunting me??? I just wanna live my own life but so many things feel like reminders of her and her presence. It's so annoying. I hate her so much. I don't even get my own friends anymore, I have to make new ones. Fuck this shit, dude. I'll be okay I'm just in the worst headspace right now.

I've made up my mind, I think. Living in California's been slowly whittling me down. It doesn't matter how much of it was her fault, I've been going insane. It's not healthy for me to live on my own out here, and I think I should just give up and live with family again. I'll miss transit and the good times I have here, but maybe I'll get to focus on myself for once. I'll have my own room, my own activities and my own hobbies. It'll be hard making new friends, but I think I will. I feel like I'm 17 or 18 again. I don't really experience regret in my life, I wish things were different but it doesn't bother me, but I feel like I'm too old to be feeling the way I do. I'm 20 x'p but I also never got to experience something like this. I'm learning, even if it's late. And even then, it's not even late; it's only my own pace. Idk. I need to get out of here. I'm romanticizing the thought of having my own proper bedroom for the first time in 3-5 years. No basement or homeless shelter. Finally having a room where I can put up posters and decorate and live in it, have a desk with my new laptop and fill it with my hobbies. I wanna have my own space, I just wish I didn't have to give up what little comfort I have here. There will be no more transit, I can't go anywhere. It could be really suffocating. I lived in San Diego, there were so many places I could go on a whim. I had access to the whole world. But maybe I need to go to a cocoon for a bit. I can always maybe come back if I really need to. But this is probably goodbye forever unless I visit, which I probably will. Idk. I know this is good for me. With how things turned out it was really never gonna work out. I just wish I could've known sooner. If I had a therapist sooner I probably could've avoided a lot of pain. At least I know now. I'll be ok.

I hope everything will turn out well for you!!

Time for an update. I decided to stay. I'm confronting the fact that she abused me, and working on it. I'm trying to get better and I'm confident I will! There's a girl I have a crush on, I might shoot my shot soon. I'm broke as fuck, unemployed and still homeless though :p but I moved to a new shelter! It's a lot better here and I actually feel like I can work on my traumas properly now.

I went out today and spend a portion of my dwindling cash supply on cd's and books. My new shelter is near a record store and a small downtown area. It's really nice, there's more homes and parks and places to go. I fit in a lot better in smaller places.

I'm worried about my head. 3 concussions in a row has had some awful side effects, I'm still recovering from the last one. I've decided to try to quit instagram and youtube for a bit because doomscrolling is only gonna make things worse. My life's starting to calm down in the right ways, my confidence is starting to manifest itself. I'm getting seen as a girl a lot more now, which surprises me. I still feel the same, but I know everything's changed. This is the first time in my life I've felt fully human. I still have a lot to learn.

Sick.

Glad to hear things have gotten better for you ^w^ Swapping insta/YT for books and records is super neat, I wish I had the power to stop doomwcrolling ;-;

Used to be in a shelter myself, nice to hear yours is in a place that makes you feel good + you have access to things that make you happy, that first time feeling fully human is relatable as hell. I hope things only continue to improve for you ^w^