Deleted this in another thread and posting it here instead
I feel like a poser. I've been in a weird spot in life for the last 4, almost 5 months? I feel like I lack an identity or any sort of purpose. I have no means to express myself, people around me or way to pursue my goals. But I keep moving anyway, I keep finding things with meaning to me and I keep reminding myself of what I want to become. Because my purpose is to make it out of here. To move somewhere where I can express myself and have a shell to contain these, idk, shapeless goals and aspirations I have? I don't see a reason to exist, but there's a girl who loves me and wants us to live together. She's my hope and reminds me of my humanity. We live across the country and her life is so much better than mine, she's so much prettier than me and yet she still wants me there. Not just to rescue me, but because somehow a person like me can still bring value to her life. I can't ever stop looking up to her. But I want to be worth looking up to, too. I just need to keep praying and hoping that someday things will change and I can leave this mess I'm stuck in. Someday. As long as she's there on the other side of the screen, someday. Idk.

I'm gonna leave to visit her in 12 days. I'll visit the place that once was my home. It hurts. But at least I get to see her, for 2 weeks. We used to live together for 6 months, but something happened and I've been staying at my mother's house for the last 4 months. I was only supposed to be here for 2 weeks, as I lived with her and her parents before this and they haven't given me an answer as to if I'm ever going to live with them again. It looks like it's going to be a no. This started as a break, the girl and I broke up, but we're still close. The breakup didn't really change much besides some boundaries and restrictions. But her parents found out and made me stay here. They said it would be a break, that we needed some time apart before we could live together again, but then the economy crashed and they've been working twice as more as before. If it gets any worse they'll probably never be able to take me in. But my environment is toxic, I can't stay here. I want to go to college and get a job and have friends, and I want to feel like a person and express myself. I'm doing the best I can to feel like someone here, but I'm still alone. I make a wish every day, almost like a prayer for her parents to take me in again. Idk. I've been working on a journal since december last year. It feels nice to put my words out somewhere where somebody can read it.

I have plans. I want to make an online identity since I can't express myself thoroughly in real life. I want to make someone I can want to be. I also want to make a website just like the Dollars :> I wanna say I've made something, and I wanna use that to meet people and help people meet people and even if those things already exist, it'll be fun and I hope my life will snowball from that point. I wanna be known.

I feel like that moment of clarity I had expired. I'm back to my old self, but at least that person's grown. I'm dealing with old feelings and old thoughts but idk what to do about it. I'm scared of things that don't make sense because I'm overwhelmed by fears that do. I got a donation on my gofundme recently, putting me at 876 dollars to try to move out with. It's 23 dollars more than before, and I'm extremely grateful, but I feel so small and alone right now. I owe it to her and myself to be strong and get through this but today's gonna be a long day. She's going to a party and she's gonna be physically affectionate with people and every time she does this, I get scared my lack of experience and stuff is gonna make me less appealing to her. I know it isn't true but I guess I wanna hear her say it. But I'm scared to ask her. Maybe I should just do it.

It's summer. I hate this so much summer is always terrible for me I feel trapped and I can't go outside I feel alone I don't know what to do this is always the worst for me but I have to do it nayway I feel like im going insane or like i could throwup idk what to do I hate this so much it feels like the old me I hate the old me but no I have to do this I dont even get my own environment I snappe out of a months long period of dissiciation and it was snowing and so cold is everyhting I know and now Im forced to feel like the old me and it makes it really hard to do anything I hate spending summer alone i hate it here I cant do anything but suffer

I'm thinking about just giving up. I have to set my expectations lower every day, so I may as well just not want to be anything. It's the same as last time. I don't want to forget but this is life. I don't have a reason to remember. That life is long gone, and my only hope of starting my life is years in the future as someone else. I wonder if she'll even be there too. I hope so. I know I'm gonna be stuck here forever. Never experiencing the pleasures of life, floating without a purpose. Idk. I wish I had a job and some friends and an environment where i can be percieved positively and I wanna be a girl and I want girl friends and I want to be loved and I want to have value and I want to go to college and I want to have a life. I spend every day inside, sometimes going outside sometimes doing workouts and trying to get through the day because that's my purpose. Seeing tomorrow. I wish I had money I wish I had a car I wish I had a house to live in with her but there's nothing I can do to fix this so I may as well expect nothing to change. I should try to hold onto whatever humanity I have left

Hey Vivi, I'm not going to try and sugarcoat it, because I'm in a similar position. But, find something, anything no matter how far fetched and chase is. Chase it with everything you've got. That will and obsession is the only thing that stopped me from killing myself. Even now I feel like I'm nowhere close, I still want to keep trying though. So, at least you know I'm trying with you.

I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you Anon, let's do this together

She got a girlfriend. But it's.. weird? It doesn't devalue me in any way. She loves me. She even said that if we weren't packmates (term we use to describe what we are), *we'd* be girlfriends. I think she said she could have multiple girlfriends and she agreed to be girlfriends because it sounded fun or something, but she got agitated when I started asking more questions. I've been dealing with a lot of old trauma recently, and I get scared she's gonna leave me for her girlfriend. She told me before she couldn't be happy in a relationship. But idk what she described it made it sound like girlfriends was more about the label than the bond. Like she said, if we werent packmates we'd be girlfriends. I hope I can be a good packmate girlfriend, even if we aren't girlfriends. She told me having a girlfriend doesn't affect us, which means we're still going to live together.
I talked with a friend about it. Somehow we both think it sounds like she wants a girlfriend and this is making up for something I can't provide or something idk. Phrased it poorly. She loves me.

It's raining, and I wish those fragments of heaven could reach me from here.