Look, I know this is going to just sound really silly, but I just want to experience romantic love. I'm 18, nearly 19, and I've never experienced anything romantic. At all. I've never been wanted like that. And it just hurts to see all of my friends getting into their first, second, third, even fourth relationships whilst I'm still waiting for someone to even hold my hand.

I think maybe the most hurtful part is that for all of my insecurities, all of my self-perceived flaws, everything I can think of that I feel like could be The Reason Why (not particularly feminine, alternative, autistic, mid-size), I have friends who are more extreme in each of those categories, and yet all of them are in happy relationships or have been in one. So I'm just left feeling like... oh. So clearly those things aren't necessarily deal breakers then. Maybe it is actually just me.

I'm not ugly. Objectively, I know I'm not. I mean, I'm not a smoke show, but I think I'm decent enough. When I take the time to put makeup on, I think I look quite pretty. Like, I've had selfies get put onto Pinterest before and the comment sections were really sweet and complimentary. Someone actually drew me, once!! Which is so cute!!!

So then, is it my personality...?
But I have dozens of friends. Genuinely, dozens. From primary, secondary, sixth form, university, online, family friends... People I'm all close with and talk to regularly. I have maybe 10 best friends. Which I know in itself is impossible but I feel like each and every one of them, I'm close enough with to consider them that. So I guess I am likable, then, if I have that many friends? ...But then why has no one ever liked me past that? I just don't understand.

I've just finished my first year of university, for gods sake. The girls who started out in the same boat as me have all at least done something, ranging from snogging someone to having a body count of 4. I feel so left behind.

I think I'm interesting. Ish. Interesting enough, at least. I love YuGiOh, Pokemon, anime, metal, vampires, emo lore, Egyptology, British comedy, rugby, Olympic records, oil painting and Formula 1. I'm taking a degree in Literature and Creative Writing, and I'm learning Dutch. I love concerts, going to the pub, spending time with my friends. And I think I'm generally quite a laid back, happy person.

So why not me? I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I must be someone's, surely? I'd understand it if I was boring or depressing to be around, but I just don't think I am. I can't be, if I have that many friends, is my logic. Like, I can't be awful to be around if so many people willingly spend time with me consistently??? Right???

Ahhh I don't know. I just wanted to get this out there. Hopefully I'll think back on this randomly one day and think 'wow, how silly of me to think all this at only 18/19', cause I know I'm young and it's silly to feel like I'll never find love at this age, but it's just that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE around me is, and the more people do, the worse this horrible nagging insecurity gets. If one more person asks me for advice on how to go about their situationship (because for some reason I seem to be the go to person on dating advice... go figure), I might cry. Lol.

Yeah. Anyway. Hopefully posting this into the void is cathartic. Sorry if anyone ends up reading this, I know it's all horribly disjointed. My professors would feel nauseous reading it, I reckon.

Thank you :)

PS:
Sorry, reading this back I feel like I sounded mean at the start talking about my 'flaws'. I don't mean to say anything mean about any of them, I don't think any of them are bad things at all. It's just like, in my head, they work for everyone else, but not me. Like, for example I've always been insecure about my weight at about a size 12-14 (UK), but I see women who are the same size or several sizes bigger and think they're gorgeous. To me, it's attractive... until it comes to my own body. Then not so much. Same goes for being autistic and on the masculine side. That's what i meant with that, sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was being mean about those traits or about my friends.

First of all-- oh my god another Brit!

Secondly I think its just a right place right time kind of deal, like you just haven't met someone you get along well enough with to progress to that stage whether or not it's a you problem or a them Problem, and I know you're not looking for solutions or anything but still, I'm only 21 and it's just a timing thing, you'll be right :)

Truthfully just be yourself then you will meet someone who does accept you for who you are.