I remember crying out in such unbearable agony that it ripped me right in two. And then it ripped me again, and again and again.

Several severe lapses into psychosis and delusional paranoia. Spiraling into addiction and misery with the intentions to fight demons. I always come back to myself and put myself back together. Back into my own mind. I always find myself again. Over and over and over.

When I see the same things in the world that destroyed me I erupt into an inconsolable beast. I can't help but to sink my teeth into it and rip it limb from limb. I don't know anything else.

I am a harmless person, I truly am. I am peaceful and loving and incredibly compassionate, but may God have mercy on whatever it is I was sent to destroy.

I am a perfectly crafted weapon. I am a nuclear bomb. I am an unstoppable force.

But I am also grace. I am love. I am majesty.

I am the light that cuts thru the darkness.

My story itself is one of power and survival.
Overcoming the demons I've created for myself. Remember who I've been all this time, and destroying all of the same things that have destroyed me. I destroy myself in the process. I do it over and over and over again. Constantly learning new ways to understand what is inside of me. Controlling the fire as it seeps out from within me before it burns everything around me. I scorch the ground as I walk and set my loved ones in fire.

Then I cry, and flood the entire world with my lement. I atone for my actions, and the cycle starts again.

If I have to burn I don't have to burn down the whole world. I can use my light to cut thru the darkness and protect everyone I care about. There is no going back to change the past for me. What's done is done.

But I can always be the change that I needed to see in the world when I didn't know any better.

this is so beautiful, I resonate sm. ;-;

An incredibly riveting read that entirely itches the neurons in my cortex, giving me an esoteric visualization of the narrative of you and about you. Looking forward to seeing more. Keep it up.

Thank you for this, since this entry I've been doing a lot better. I have been working two jobs and structuring my own events around town, I have been making new friends and encountering the local business owners who look to create synergy with me. A lot of things that use to haunt me at night are now the things I look back on which guided my actions rather than something I have to actively defend myself from.


I can definitely say I'm both more healthy and more happy in my day to day life. All of the time I've spent here being not all for nothing, I was able to take with me the ability to coordinate small groups with tact and grace, and from there each little group would get a little bit bigger until the town fell into my hands.

I can use what I've learned here for the good of my community, and I'm never more blessed than I am to know my years of struggling against my own reality and the reality of things at large did eventually ammout to something tangible.

TT

>>4 Hey Lazybonez, that was beautiful. I just arrived here but I am touched that the Dollars impacted you, and I'm not sure what happened, but glad you are in a better place!! Praying for the best for you