I don't know how to start this but I just want to get it off my chest. I'm so tired of being me. I'm not sure where I am going at this point. I'm starting to think I don't have an identity. I'm stuck in the past, I'm the same as I was several years ago. I'm not changing. Frankly, I don't feel alive. There's no use moping around, I know. I don't feel hopeless, but rather I don't feel anything at all at this point.

Sorry deleted post was me I went way off base.

It's almost like we're waiting for certainty that the future is there for any purpose we could assign to ourselves. A guarantee that it will have its' course in time. And most of us identify with that purpose. But now many of us feel as empty as you do. Stuck without progress, tinkering at our material world while our emotional and spiritual selves remain dormant, or so we think.

We grow up in the belly of a beast not created by us and we are told to accept it and are given a multitude of ways to improve it under the guise of purpose. I have become unsure that the foundations that were laid for us are stable enough to support us all.

We are told to have faith in the promise of the future when its threatened every day. Our idols are selfish. Our leaders are selfish. And we are forced to do the same because there are fewer mean to survive. Our identities and purposes are listed for us to choose from when there are no real limitations. We take unsuitable roles to sustain the progress of the dreams and greed of others who will in turn pay us what we hope is enough to progress our own dreams and yet the result is simply the perpetuation of the future as an idea and our past becomes the only thing we have left to learn from- the only promise left that we might grow from.

We are told to learn from the past but how many that say such a thing ever act on it. The present is burning away the future while our memories betray us.

There are so many of us that feel just the very same as you described. And its so difficult to understand such a thing as the self let alone becoming something we can be happy with.

That's why we come together here, to share our plights, our joys, and our dreams, and perhaps find one another working towards the same goal.

We all hope to find an understanding of ourselves within each other, and vice versa. We hope there can be someone out there to breathe life into us.. Not many are brave enough speak up about such hopes. I often struggle with the courage to accept any part of myself. And I only ever look forward to understanding it. What ever it is that compels me to remain as something I despise, because the past only seems to solidify those aspects of myself, no matter what angle I look at it from I can never prevent myself from the same words and actions that got me here. I still make the same mistakes. I still remain so much myself when i thought id be so much more by now.

But the mind can be deceitful, carrying on a narrative that is not necessarily true, a rhetorical monologuing in filibuster of the heart's true voice, patiently preparing its turn to speak.

There is something very stale about the material world but our emotional selves are communing. There is something growing within us that has, in such a strange way, demanded our stagnation to support its gestation.

There was once a promise for a future, but now its up to us to fulfill that promise ourselves and turn away from idols who hoard what our earth is carved to create. Too many more of us starve and we're beginning to feel that pain whether we see it or not. It's something of an emotional evolution. Many of us are feeling drained, lifeless, halted as if time wasn't meant for us. We soon come to see we can't have peace in ourselves until all are at peace together, we cant feel alive nor live one while others' lives are taken from them for power and profit.

It takes all of us to believe in each other, and not doubt that we are here to provide and share our lives and joy together. It takes all of us to believe we can survive and find joy together without leaving less for others, and without destroying what's left of the future.

You see, I've given too much and yet taken so much more in the pursuit of understanding what i am here for, which is why i can't doubt this. I've done good in this world but I've done much worse and have to believe i can make up for it and that my life won't be more pain than joy when this vessel can no longer support the hopes of what I could become before they have their place in time. I've accepted much about the futility of life and finding an identity was something I gave up looking for. But I can find peace at least in bring some understanding to another.

I say all this because you have to believe there are other beings pursuing exactly what you hope for. You can find life again, but you can't do it alone. None of us can. It's only a matter of time anyway, before we find each other and all of us find peace and fulfillment.

Ironic.. It seem almost inevitable that there is only ever room to speak where those who already understand reside.. Perhaps that's enough.

Godspeed, mate.

So, five years has passed. I moved countries but it's the same. I'm working for something I don't even like. The only change I have is that most relationships that were already weak were now broken off. Places that are supposed to be safe for me are no longer safe.

I have somewhat a "goal" now but that's just a supposed excuse to continue on this dreadful journey of mine. Which is literally, just survive.

Thank you for your words, and I apologize I wasn't able to get back to it all through these years. I tried looking for this post back then but couldn't, I only saw the view all threads just now.

It appears; I am trying to find comfort in the past only to find out I never moved at all.

There is a saying that has always captivated me. "To what end?", it's such a simple question. Peopl patronize themselves, the world, and other with the prospect of the future. But, no one factors in the "end" of that future. I've been where you were, and like you I've been stuck in a cycle of self hate, self loathing, repression, suppresion, and all of the like. I figured out why. We as humans are jealous creatures because we were made in the image of our creator. No matter what you believe in all of the "creators" are jealous and "objectively selfish" in one way or another. For me, I believe in God. The Bible is open about the understanding that God is "a jealous God", so, for us it's no surprise that we so constantly emulate jealousy and envy. It's not inherently malicious, but it's our underlying yearning to be all encompassing.

A way to look at it could be "I am therefore...", we as people falsly believe there needs to be something at the end of that. So, we subject ourself to overstimulation, stifling situations, all in hopes that we will gain personal glory or world favor.

I've accepted as humans, we disdain the mundane. However, we also welcome it at times. This is because deep down, we know and can understand and process the meaninglessness of our existence. Like a perpetual sandbox game.

Now, allow me to speak to you personally. I won't falsify a complete understanding of your situation. Though, I will say that in a world where everything is meaningless. The actions, the pain, the love, the suffering, the hate, the judgment, the cruelty, all of it. It's not wrong, unfair, or unwarranted to want yourself to change, to reach a pinnical within our limited understandings of our capabilities. It's so, very human. The purpose of the past isn't to just show us how to prepare and avoid mistakes in the future, it's there to show use the growth of repetition in our actions. "No one thought is unique, no one feeling is completely personal, no one action is fully revolutionary." So, don't feel alone in the vastness of the mundane, meaningless, yet overtly extravagant problems and situations. Ask for help, talk to people, allow the days to move with you rather than past you. Find a goal, no matter how far fetched, but stay calm within it. Allow it to be a guide in the nothingness. The brightest lights are in the darkness places and the darkest shadows are are in the brightest. That is the duality of hope and change. We live in a perpetual cycle, however, we don't wish to believe that or accept it. We look for an end half-heartedly because we don't wish to truly find one. So, move through the mudane and repatition, look at the situations in the world objectively, and when you're in a rut and that fear of meaninglessness sprouts, ask yourself. "To what end?" Allow your answer to flow through you feel the warmth of that acceptance and distance from the axious feelings of expectation. Then, walk forward, knowing that if it's dark enough to make you doubt then your getting close enough to the light that the shadows are trying to slow you down. Accept that cycle fully, watch how your prospect changes.

>>5

how does your god feel about the LGBTQ+?

>>6 ok bro missed the point of it and foused on one sentence. grow up.

>>4 Its fine that you checked back on the website, but honestly, get off the internet. its too toxic and it wont help you be happier. (Unless these something that gives you joyin life)

>>7 you grow up.
really bad timing with their religious plugging, they could've just as easily not mentioned their cult at all.

do you need a refresher?

There's no shortage of human rights violations being committed by this "religion".

>>7

I'm just looking out for OP. want to make sure the advice they get is sound and clean, not agenda-driven.

use the internet to inform yourself instead of helping them recruit more victims and ruin more lives.

They can't even agree on what their beliefs are about.

it's not like they're only oppressive to the rainbow community.

>>10 if you’re looking out for OP, take the religion shame somewhere else. Instead of giving some form of advice to OP, all you did was shoot at what someone else said. Also, could you care to explain how it is ‘religious plugging’? You’re saying a lot of allegations, yet have nothing to explain it about. Do you just have a personal thing against that belief if so, then please put this in another thread and not this one, because you are not the focus of this thread, I am not the focus of this thread, and no one but OP is the focus of this thread.

All they said is that they believe in God, not trying to recruit anyone. Even if they were, how would you consider shaming a religion looking out for OP? Don’t try to make this better than what it is.

You are shaming a religion, causing unnecessary conflict, and honestly, seem more agenda-driven. Go back to X and complain on there.

hope you’re doing well OP. if you’re tired of being yourself then i think you should do something about it. not having an identity is not a bad thing in my opinion because it means you have the freedom to build yourself up from scratch. you can be anyone, you can do anything, you just have to try new things and figure out what makes you happy, what you enjoy. i was in a similar place when i was younger, and perspective is a big thing with stuff like this. you have the power to choose how anything affects you. good luck! i’m pretty sure happiness is right in front of you. it was for me :)

I don't know how to tag replies but I'm grateful that there is any. It is wiser to be sensible and not impose religion into anyone. I have prayed while crying many times in my life. I don't want to believe, I respectfully just do not want to believe that a powerful entity can govern us and just watch us suffer (not me, but rather the more innocent, the people that aren't given a chance to fight for their selves). Yet I pray or hope in my heart that my friends, family, and innocents will be safe.

Rain, I have taken a lot of steps. I am actually even entering the medical field as I find it quite enjoyable. But no matter what I do, it hurts. I have so much lost dreams, dreams that I didn't fight for before and now no longer have to fight for now. Thank you, Rain. I can tell by the way you word things of your optimism that this may pass. I just hope I'm strong enough for it.

Webu, I believe you are strong enough to make it through this, because you are still here. These kinds of things take a while to get through but you just have to keep going, one step at a time. Take it as slow as you need to. Identities can be hard, take it from someone who took over a decade to figure out even just a little bit of who they were. We may not know eachother, we may never meet, but I love you, and know you'll get out the other side of this stronger than ever.
I'll check in on this post for you from time to time, I'll be an ear to listen to you if you'll have me.