I’ve been feeling low for a longer time now.
“Why?”, you’d ask.
I feel lonely. I feel lonely surrounded by my family members, my colleagues, friends, every person I know. And more, I feel used - by everyone.
Again the “why” question comes.
Maybe it’s because of my attitude..? Because I can no more open myself to anyone? Or say “no” when someone wants my help..?
Who knows?
It’s just… No one truly cares for me. Even my parents think only about my future and not about my present. This may be just a teenager’s selfish thoughts. I’m sorry then to bother you about this, but… I want to get rid of my sadness, by writing this thread. Don’t read it, if you don’t want. I’m just curious if someone more have the same as me.
Okay. Let’s start from the beginning.

I was four when my mother started studying English. She almost didn’t exist in my life for three years from then on. Then she suddenly came back and demanded from me to again see my bellowed mommy in her. Impossible. I never came back to loving her this strong, I loved her before she started studying for the second time.
But I still was a hyper child, friendly and open to everyone and back then also popular inside this small children society in my first and second school (yes, I moved schools because my mother got into an argument with the director of the first one and she left the job there). I made friends with every each member of my new class. But I also made a mistake. I made friends with a girl who was always sad and outside the society, my warm hearth willing for her to be happy like other children. At first it was the best choice I could make. We became best friends, inseparable and absolutely devoted to each other. But then, seven years ago, my faith in humanity and love for it got questioned.
After two years of friendship (which for 10year old is a long time), this girl went insane. I remember that we had an agreement that both of us in turns will create new games. But she once wanted to skip my turn. Of course we got into an argument but in the end I agreed for that to make her happy.
The next day, when I was going back home, I learned that I said many bad things about her and her family. She lied about me, because I argued with her back then.
I was hurt. I thought that I was always so nice to her that I would never hurt her. But I thought “Okay, I’ll take the blame. We’re friends after all - she’ll clear it up when she’ll calm down.”
But this was never cleared up. And more: I learned that in those two years I lost my ability to make friends.
For two years I couldn’t get rid of this past and couldn’t create a bond with anyone.
Then three, almost four years ago I met another sad girl, unappreciated by all of her colleagues. I was just absolutely amazed by her talent for drawing.
She was the only one that didn’t threat me bad because of my high grades, talents and popularity amongst the teaching staff. She made me trust her and in three years we became inseparable.
And then, she just stopped talking to me. When I finally made contact with her and asked her why did she turned her back on me, she said “you know why” and never ever talked to me. No. I don’t know why did she turn from me.
In the same time I switched classes, because I was treated like a trash by my previous class that have even chosen me as their president. Hypocrites. They truly hated me for being the so called genius (well, after two years of fighting with they hate, I gained some respect, but still).
But… Let’s get back to the class changing. At first I landed in heaven. All of my new colleagues were smart and had high grades, just like me, but after three months this heaven changed into a hell when I learned that half of them smoke and drink alcohol and some take drugs (Fucking 14year-olds!). When I learned this, they started treating me even worse than my previous classmates. Even if I would never tell anyone about what they were doing… and even one close to friend girl, that I still keep contact with (since she likes when I take pictures of her) wasn’t enough for me to be happy.
Right now I’m almost seventeen. I’m in High School on biology and chemistry field of study. I’m school’s photographer and the main redactor of school’s site. I’m well known in the whole school where I was only since September. The teachers are proud of me and see my great future. My family also sees my future as a great medicine student and doctor.
They want to see me learning all the time. They give me a lot more things to learn than they give other students (my parents are teachers) and it comes to this I hardly find time for my hobbies. I can’t write, I can’t draw, I can’t even sing anything more than songs for choir or school events. I feel used by them and in the same moment I’m still lonely. Seriously, how cruel can people be..? They use me to build greater name of my school and themselves. I wish I could say “no” or “go, screw yourself” to them all, but they would be disappointed and that’s the thing I don’t want.
I don’t know what do with myself, seriously. I feel like a hypocrite: I’m the kind of silent observer and yet place myself in the middle of happenings (That makes me somehow feel like you know who).
Does anyone here have the same as me..?

....Then act, no matter how hard it is, no mayter worse it comes to, act.
It would only end in regrets for you if you don't.
Your human, not a tool. You have a will, not a lifeless puppet. You choose to act or not.
How you do it, depends entirely on you. If you cant take a step further, and stay in that step ir keep going, then you will have regrets for not going, for not acting.

Heh, if i had your life, i would tell everyone to respect who i am, even if i beat them to death....
But in this "society", this "world", i cant.
But i would tell everyone off, with just my 'aura' and looks.
The fact i cant do what i want pains me too, which involves beating people up, but i aint confident in my strength or skills to win a fight.
I hadnt done one in my 16 yrs of life.
But, to keep it bottle up will only get worser, you have to let it out, by that, you have to find true friends, a soul mate, people you trust and the people who would trust you back.

It will be hard to find these people for your standards in these day of age.... Especially in this society, but you must take the first step, if you live a life full of regrets, when you feel it, you can feel yourself falling in a dark void, with this guilt and never escape.
I would know, since am trying to do my best living my way, but i can feel you man.
The disspoint which arises from the "wrong" action is painful, but its your life, not anyone esles, you have the will to change and do whatever, the only obstacle that stands in your path is this world and society.
And if you cant surpass it, break it, and make a new one.

Sorry if i dont seem to be a good talker, i never like explaining through words, but i do hope, i can help you in some ways.

This quote may help you, but i wouldn't know, it depends on the person.
"True, I've given up on the real world.
However, I haven't given up on myself.
The world doesn't get to decide whether my life is boring, fun or ordinary.
That's my decision to make.
As long as I have the will, nothing is impossible."
- Keima Katsuragi

Remember, don't compare yourself to others, be yourself, or be the character that you want to be.
Oh, and always deny society, and when you do, stand tall and proud, only then could you see the the path behind been a journey, that you embark on.
Make sure to say "Fuck you" to society when you do, be rebels, be unique, be proud.

Well, That's a problem in me. When I act, I hurt myself and when I don't act I hurt everyone else around me which comes back to hurting me.
In my previous school I decided to make all the people around me to fuck off but that wasn't a good idea either.
In my country people just don't like ones like me. Poland's a messed up country, not like the ones on our west, where being someone better than others is the worst thing you could done and is threated like an insult.

Yeah. I'm trying to find someone for me to trust, I'm looking for my soul mate or just a true friend but all of the people surrounding me are just dicks and bitches that'd use my weeknesses if I told them which are those.
Right now I'm letting everything out just by writting a diary and I keep on going with my optimistic side in the society.
Yes. I want to break out and I'm going to, but I look for the proper moment, best occassion and in this future moment I'll let go of the acting and hurt a lot of people surrounding me. And this moment will appear when I'll stop caring for that and finally start to be as I should be - egoistic. (weird isn't it?)

Actually you helped a lot :) I could make a decision on how to break out of this mess I call my short life. Thank you for that.
And this quote sounds just like my thoughts right now, so like hell it helps ;P

Best regards my dear friend.

>>3 My regards to you as well, and good to see, that your willing to stand and keep walking, no matter how heavy the chains (burdens) are.

Life is always filled with many things, pain, happiness, etc.
And sometimes, that moment wont come, you must take it to yourself to make that moment and finally 'snap'.

But anyway, good luck to ye, may we meet again.

I hope we'll meet again too :)
(Althought I snapped three times already and it truly was like Shizu-chan's 'snap' so better no snapping in the near future...)