Henlo I'm writing these two stories and I'd very much appreciate if anyone could give some feedback on either of them
https://www.inkitt.com/stories/scifi/167238?started_reading=true <-Finding Home
https://www.inkitt.com/stories/other/175169?started_reading=true <-The Light Within the Darkness
2 Name: LLarry P. !yVmBtLEfzk : 2018-04-19 08:42 ID:6EalXygM [Del]
The first story is nice, a few grammatical errors and wording issues here or there, but the setting definitely has its foundation already laid and the book is story rich, which will definitely catch the audience's attention. I'm not into sci-fi or spacey related stories, but even I enjoyed the little that I read.
The second story starts slowly and picks up over the next chapter or two. That's not bad, either, most books wait too long to pick up the pace and lose readers interest as a result. I don't usually like "life" stories that touch on regular human beings in regular situations, but this one peaked my interest. I think if you went back and developed the story a little more it would turn out really well. That being said, I hope you write more, stories are meant to be told!
If you don't mind, I'm going to be brutally honest. I liked these stories. Story 1: The first had an interesting vibe. I'm sure stories like this have been done before, but I personally haven't read them. The fact that the "goo" is the "creature" was unexpected. I expected that the slime was a by product. I feel that the definition of oolps should have been more memorable. I legit drew a blank the second time it was mentioned. (I think oolp is a weapon of some sort?) Overall, 9/10 Story 2: This story legitamently evoked emotion. I was bullied when I was younger so it hit close to home (of course, cyber bullying was after my age! XD) I was able to relate to the frustration and pain and I'm sure others will too. The fake out in the beginning was PURE GENIOUS!!!! ♡^♡ The pacing seemed a bit quick at times, but over all I have it a 8/10 In General: It would be ignorant not to point out the unfortunate lack of grammar at times. I say unfortunate because not everyone can look past bad grammar at the actual story. You have begun crafting stories, characters, and even a world! But people won't see that because they won't be able to look past the grammar. Do your best to improve the grammar and you should be fine ^^ I hope that last part didn't seem too harsh. I understand that your are an amateur writer, and these are still early drafts so such mistakes are SUPER understandable. I wish you the utmost amount of luck with these projects, and your writing in general. I look forward to the next chapters! :)
These are good! Personally, I've never been bullied before so I can't relate. I don't use social messengers either. But I was (and still is) a bit of a loner.
I like reading in general, but I guess there were stories I've dropped. Yours won't be one of them. I have started writing a bit myself and is currently stuck in a minor writer's block. So it's refreshing to read others' works and giving reviews.
'Finding Home' has a good plot and is off to an excellent start. The chapters feel short, but that's not really a problem. They do need some working on with the grammar. It might help to get a beta reader, like your friend someone. There are some 'things' that aren't so well explained. It does not feel good being left on a cliffhanger though. Hope we'll get to read more soon! This isn't really my first reviewing, but I guess I could give the scoring a shot. 8/10 because I feel the wording could be slightly better, and this feels a little bit, a tiny bit like Gintama. Only difference is, Gintama is pure comedy and randomness. Yours has a different element, somewhat like dystopia. And surprisingly, I like dystopia themes. And the emptiness that comes with it when a story ends.
Second story: 'The Light Within the Darkness'. First things first, we are once again left with a cliffhanger. Even more so than 'Finding Home'. It hurts. On to the story, like I previously said, I personally haven't been bullied before, so it is kind of interesting as to what goes on. Interesting, not amusing. I don't really have anything else to say about this story, just that I look forward to updates! I'll skip out of the scoring this time.
Now if you don't mind, would you also take a look at mine? It's a fanfiction from Gintama. They're the same, on different sites. AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14388345/chapters/33225027 ff.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911522/1/Stuck-Together-Shiroyasha-to-Oni-no-Fukuchou
