Hi everyone! I would like to know what all of you think about this renga I wrote. It's an assignment for my English 233 class (which is just a fancy/technical name for creative writing) Originally my poem was just the first haiku, but my professor and fellow peers wished I would have expanded more on the poem, so I was challenged to write a renga. I don't really know what I'm doing, poetry isn't my strong point. If any of you would be so kind, I'd like your feedback. Thank you!


Morning dew on grass
This scent is—without doubt—you
When you are crying


Find some shelter from the rain
Unable—you cannot hide


Steaming rice in bamboo
Take it from the fire to cool
Dropped by accident


Wasted food, angry parents
I’ve done this one too many times


Within sight—I reach
For your fleeting form—watching
As it fades from view


This feeling, could it have bloomed
I wished for everlasting


See muddy shoe prints
They track all around the house
I won’t clean it up


Asking never really sways you
I gave up somewhere I think


Children prance like fawns
I’m sure I was like that too
Hazy memories


Yearning to return to that
Childish delight years later


A mother holds close
Her most precious—an heirloom
From the departed


Given through generations
Received by a sleeping babe


Even the moon shys
Away from the summer’s breeze
Dragonflies’ wings melt


A cool touch of mountain springs
Does it quench that fevered thirst


I said be careful
Worry more about yourself
Do not pick it up


You are more stubborn than I
My warning goes unheeded


Control your urges
Delayed gratification
Is more rewarding


Sensual touch, seduce me
Tantalizing and tempting


Look at the sidewalk
Someone will surely stumble
Over the chasm


Dear, do not let it be you
Who falls through into the abyss


Submerged in liquid
Burning bright as two lanterns
Unrequited love


One body covers the bed
An unknown outside the door


Blazing, dazzling light
Seeping into closed eyelids
Still working the fields


Look back to the ground searching
We have discovered something


A single red leaf
Glides past and skims the water
Crunching underfoot


Taste decay on dull senses
Squirrels begin to forage


Learning to let go—
The hardest part of breaking
Put me back again


Healing still with opal scars
Not fitting like they used to


What of the glass cup
That sits empty on the counter
Shatter it on marble


Let the shards cut you deeply
Copper perfume in the wind


There are teenagers
Lips hover inches apart
They’re friends and lovers


Playful grins and shaking heads
He makes a move, hands slide up


Click of heels on tile
Sophistication defined
Oh please look at me


Swaying hips and flowing hair
You pay me no attention


The soil has turned hard
Silver beams do not peek through
The cold, layered rime


Demure as a maiden’s eyes
A flower feathers open

Disclaimer: I am definitely not a professional poet nor particularly knowledgeable on the subject of writing rengas. Take my opinion with cups of salt.

1. Quite an ambitious work. Good job :D

2. I have no idea how strict your professor with respect to tradition, but I believe that stanzas 5, 15, and 18 are missing keigo/kigo (or I need to reread them, which is entirely plausible). Maybe they are optional, in your case, but I find that they usually help you easily determine how the seasons are changing in your poem.

3. The traditional 36 stanza Kasen renga (which is what I think you are trying to accomplish here) has at least 2 references to flowers and 3 to the moon, which I did not manage to spot in your composition.

4. Unless I was ill-informed, a renga is supposed to be a cooperative work, originally, so perhaps having your classmates read through it would be better, as they have similar mindsets as yours.

5. Your last verse (a flower feathers open) sounds quite nice, but given the importance of the last verse to "wrap up" a poem, I was wondering if you considered alternative verses that would connect with your first stanza (not sure if that one is Spring or Autumn)? Just an idea.

Good luck.

>>2 Thanks for the feedback! I don't know what keigo is, but I can just look that up. Yes, I am trying to do that, but you're right, I only have one mention of each. I know that a renga should have two people writing it, but this has to be a piece written by only me (I also wondered about it when he asked me to write a renga) so I'm kind of stuck. You're right in saying I should get peer reviews.Again, thank you!