Hello everyone gd day!, If you have time I would like you to read my amateur short story that I will submit to my local school's magazine and hopefully you could help me with it. Please feel free to give some feedbacks and suggestion that you can recommend since I want an opinion outside of my queers; I want a complete stranger to judge it to avoid biases.

It's still incomplete because I am confused as to what I will write next after the revelation of the president (Spoiler). (I think this is what you call a writers block?) You can also suggest in what i should write next.

Here's the link: http://tiny.cc/8jgk4x

Advance thanks and be awesome always guys
(BTW I'm new here. :) )

It's actually not bad, I see that this book suits for teenagers, overall it's a good story, although I am not used to the sound effects :) Good luck on your story~

-ShiroNuko~ (｀・ω・´)

I gave it a look. The tenses were very inconsistent. Remember that a story is written in past tense. I read through a few paragraphs and decided to fix the most conspicuous errors in them.

Past tense.

Looking at the surroundings.(surroundings is always in its plural form if it is a noun)

While mumbling to(not with) myself, correcting my thoughts, I thought that as I was talking to myself people might think I was a problematic weirdo. (original sentence was very messy and hard to understand)

I finally arrived(got to is very informal) at the front gate.

"Hey sir Dave, how's it going today?" said the guard was in about his 40's, shrugged and gave off a tensed smirk. -> asked the guard, who was seemingly in his forties, shrugging as his lips twisted into a tensed smirk.

The sturdy guard let out an exhausted sigh that WAS obviously full of stress. -> I advise that you leave out the "that was obviously full of stress" part. It is not necessary.
And always remember, show, not tell. Wherever you can, at least.

Intellectual capabilities WERE more valuable than VOCATION (you wrote vocational, which was the adjective form of the word; compare a noun with a noun) in this era.

Though even THOUGH(not so) I acknowledgeD them, I did not wish to be like them.

And I knew that soon this thinking of mine would just bring ABOUT my own demise.

I can help you more if you'd like but at a later time.

Cheers!

PS* Plot-wise I have no comments yet.

I guess watching sentence structures and punctuations should come at the end after adjusting the story and tenses. you started off "in action" of your day but you drifted to a sort of story teller role and shifted back and forth xD.
There are a few mistakes here and there. If its for teenagers, the long sentences can be too long sometimes. If its for effects of "taking your breath" away maybe it can work, but I'm not sure here.

You can try vary the sentences structures, it tends to be a lot: "the..." "It..." At the beginning but you varied it more later on, i guess you warmed up or something? Was that to make the everyday life seem boring perhaps?

It doesn't have to be overdone but just a though.

You can skip a few things to add other things. I believe your introduction is to create the mood: everything is normal! So show it! I think u can omit a lot of the walking to the gate, then walking here and there for other things.
Make every sentence count kind of feeling? Why did you say this or that etc.

Im not too versed in the arts of writing myself but thats just my after thoughts from my own experience. My work itself would be littered with red pen markings from the walking language machine in my class xD.

Thanks a lot for the replies! yeah I looked through it also and found some errors in grammar (not very good at english). If you have some changes in the document please upload it to me so I can improve it for the submission.

(My IP is different because I'm just logging in the internet cafes in browsing.)
(sorry for late reps also.)

>>3 If you have an edited doc I would like to check it out.

I'm still making out with story making so yeah I'm still very amateurish. But yet it still inspires to make a good plot and also fix my grammars. I'll try to improve it.

>>5 Yes, I realized that i was using too much "It" and "The" in my paragraphs. I was reading another novel that day and i found out that it does not do redundancy of those.

You're opinion in the introduction struck me! I never actually thought about it but I always recognize them in novels. Now I know how amateurish I am.

I'll remember your suggestions and I'll revise my story... I think the whole story should be revise, it would be a pain in the ass but I want quality work.

Thanks for the honest opinion.

(I've got another work that i also want feedbacks but after seeing the replies of this, I think I'll check that first before putting here it for reviews.)

Greetings,

Due to your honest feedbacks and suggestions earlier I had been encouraged to alter the whole of my amateur short story.

Here is the link: http://tinyurl.com/pmdnzkg

If you are willing. I would like you to take a look at my story and judge willingly if my vocabularies and plots have any development so far.

As you can see it is still far in content compared to the previous work since when I was working on it I was also reading another novel, named Legendary Moonlight Sculpture, and was engrossed at reading it that I had forgotten I had another work. I am very sorry for my incompetence.

Please if you are willing, help me with my goal to make a story that will pique the interest of the many and melt the hearts of the readers as I have been when reading another work.

Thanks and be awesome always guys!

Hi Szayne. I found some time to read through your new document. Can I have your email? Or dollars email

Hi there!! Can I have your email too? (dollars or whichever). I can help with your story and give you tips on how to improve! I'd really like to help out if it's okay ; ;