BEFORE YOU EVEN BITCH AGAIN ABOUT WHAT
>>4 SAID.
I agree with
>>2 and
>>4. I'll start with the obvious. You have no separation of ideas, which means paragraphs. You have no separation of thoughts, which means sentences. I can't even decipher what you're trying to say.
I assume you put this up here to have some sort of critique, because I don't see else why else you'd give this a thread. The only other
possible reason I can see for this is some sort of bragging rights, which means you put this up here to brag about it and say, "Look! I wrote something!" You have the opposite of that effect because of your grammar, spelling, and punctuation (or lack thereof).
Your Ethos is completely ruined because you can't even bother to make your... whatever you call this... make sense. Instantly, people don't want to read this anymore and they want to tear it apart because you have shown a lack of credibility and knowledge through your errors, whether you had meant to make said error or not.
Your Logos has died for the same reason. I can't make sense of this. Therefor, I don't see any logic. Fuck, I can't even see a complete thought. None of this makes sense to me, and I'm sick of trying to process in after the first line.
Now that we've covered what
>>2 said, let's move on to what
>>4 said.
This has no direction. It's not going anywhere. There is no character development or description of this character. Here's what I expect, who the fuck is this person? Why the fuck should we care? Why the fuck are they upset? Will it cause something later? Does it have to do with the past? TELL ME THESE THINGS DAMN IT!
You can NEVER assume that the reader knows ANYTHING. That is one thing I've learned in my experience in writing. You, quite literally, have to spoon feed them the information. Unless you're using the sense of mystery to improve the story in some way, which you're not, spoon-feed this knowledge to the audience. Here's a list of things that will cause someone to put your work down, in order. (Checking off what you've done wrong).
✓ Bad grammar and spelling. (It's expected yours be near perfect.)
✓ Stereotypical Mary Sue or Gary Stu. (Woe is me pisses me off in writing. I don't give a fuck in real life, then I don't give a fuck in the book.)
- Any form of "overpowering" or "godmodding" character. (You know, those characters that can't be kill no matter what? Those "special" characters that are "different"? I hate those. This is why I hate House of Night and Kane Chronicles. Luckily, you don't have this.)
✓ Lack of plot. (What is going on? What's the beginning? What's the rising action? What's the climax? What's the falling action? What's the conclusion? I used to think that an author doesn't need to start with this, but they do. You book will go nowhere without it because nothing will be pushing it forward. This is also the main reason why I hate slice-of-life. In my biased view, it lacks this.)
- Too much mystery. (This is why I hate Eragon. It leaves everything to mystery. A little of this can be good, but too much for too long just gets annoying. I also hate Mortal Instruments because of this. Luckily, you don't have this either.)
✓ Lack of description. (Like I said earlier, what is going on? Why is this in the book?)
✓ Lack of tasty ribs. (My friend taught me this one, you know who you are. There are three parts of any piece of writing. The bones, which is the skeleton and plot of what you write. The meat, which is imagery and details, also known as show not tell. Sauce, which is word choice. I expect all three from anyone claiming to become an author.)
This seems pointless. I want to know why it's going to be in the book. Don't tell me, show me. Maybe this is a girl who's parents just died and it leads her to become a serial killer? Describe that in your text. What I want to know is where is it going and what's pushing it forward?
I explained the Mary Sue or Gary Stu thing above. Even my characters have some personal problems. Fuck, one of my character's best friend is being held hostage causing him to go on a homicidal rampage. He is not a Gary Stu character though. It contributes to the story and pushes it forward. He's not moping around all of the time. I haven't read Twilight, but from what I heard, Bella is a total Mary Sue. Some sadness is necessary for any book, but over the top is just annoying. People read to escape, not get more upset.
As an author, I'm harsh. If you hate my critique, remember that I'm 10 times more harsh on my own work than I am on anyone else's. You cannot have your rough draft written like that. It's not expected you have perfect spelling, grammar, and punctuation, but it's expected that you have some. Everything I say is from experience on many failed attempts at stories, one almost completed attempts at a book as well as several completed attempts at short stories, and much reading for fun.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh, but I probably did. Maybe it'll drill it in your head before you try to write again. I'm not saying that you
can't do it, but I
am saying that writing is a skill that won't come without a lot of practice and nurturing of that skill. Don't give up that hope, because I know that anyone that has a will to write has the ability. You most certainly do, just strengthen it like you would any other muscle. Practice.
You kind of remind me of when I first started to write all of those many years ago. I hope I didn't scare you off from writing permanently, but I wish someone had told me all of this when I first started writing. Lastly, remember to have fun when you write. It'll seem strained, weird, and awkward if you don't enjoy yourself when you do it. I should have put that on my list, because I've read a lot of people's work that sounded forced. The fact that yours doesn't is brilliant. There's nothing I hate more than forced writing.
