Hello everyone here I know this is a super random place to post this topic but I figured why not we’ll see what happens. I wanted to post somewhere where my husband couldn’t see it. He has no idea about this website that I’ve been going on and off since high school..

To begin we are both 25 years old with two children, aged two and under. Our daily life looks like this: the girls wake up around 7 AM every morning I get up with them get them dressed feed them breakfast do all the cleanup play with them get them down for their naps feed them for lunch, etc. meanwhile, husband usually sleeps in every morning. I’ve been dying to sleep-in ever since our second child was born (it’s been a year now) Whenever I bring it up, he refuses and brings up all sorts of excuses that he can’t get up with the girls in the morning that it has to be me. He owns his own business so he can go to work and come home whenever he wants. He leaves for work late and comes home early most of the time. when I say that I mean less than an eight hour shift almost every day. I take care of all child duties, all clean up and cooking at home all day long. In contrast, he goes to work, comes back and puts his feet up and relaxes for a while. eventually, he’ll help me with the kids around dinner and then for bedtime, but I usually have to ask him to help me. on the weekend, He usually plays gigs with his band so almost every Friday Saturday he’s gone or busy. I’m left taking care of everything on my own again, not like he helps much anyways during the week, but I feel like I’m pouring from an empty glass. When he is home, he’ll sleep in and then when he wakes up goes to the couch to scroll on his phone, barely interacts with our kids and gets mad at me if the coffee isn’t made. All throughout the day he’ll interact with them for a few minutes then go back on his phone. When I get mad at him about this, he complains that he needs a break and that he’s tired from gigs, work, etc. I think his excuses are bullshit. I’m always tired but I still get things done. whenever I confront him about this imbalance of work or helping towards the kids or household chores he always says that his music is work and that he’s tired and he can’t do much more. I should go look to his mom or other people for help. then I start thinking, maybe I am just being too harsh on him. Maybe his hands really are full. and then life goes on until I get extremely stressed and exhausted again and I blow up at him for the same things over and over again. this man will barely cook, never cleans. He’s a super slob. I’ve talked to him about putting dishes in the dishwasher, putting his laundry in the laundry basket and he still doesn’t do those things. We’ve been together for 7 years. Since the beginning I’ve been picking up after him. he’ll go to work outside or in the house sometimes but he’ll leave all of his stuff laying around everywhere for months until I go along and clean it up. I honestly don’t know whether I love or hate him at this point. I think both. I feel extremely frustrated and resentful half the time, then he’s kind to me and charming and I love him in the next moment. We want more kids but logically why the hell would I have more when he barely lifts a finger. I’ve told him everything, fought with him many many times. My marriage is like wresting with a fucking donkey.
I don’t know what to do. I work so hard, I see an imbalance of effort, but I’m gaslit into thinking his hands are too full to help any more. He has band practices, hangs out with with friends. But it’s extremely rare for me to get the opportunity to do anything on my own.

I’m just so confused and bitterly angry. What do you all think? How do I get through to him?

Hey Worm,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can only imagine your anger and frustration. Although, you're not alone on this. I've seen this happen to many couples and families. Quite frankly, this kinds of situation happens to those that recently had kids, which is why exhaustion and frustration comes from both sides of the marriage.

What I think that may work is for both sides to take a break. Maybe take the kids away to your parents house, let them take care of the kids while you recharge. Doing this will also give your husband time to adjust and recharge too, maybe even allowing him to see things more clearly, such as helping his wife out more. It will also take a huge mental load off your shoulders, also allowing you to think more clearly. Marriage isn't always going to sunshines and rainbows, so it's best that both of you find a way to resolve it. Maybe after both of you cool down is than when you guys should talk about responsibilites. Not really a therapist but I know that taking a step back and cooling off will never go wrong in any situation. Hopefully you guys will get through it.

I think maybe you should take a break from both him and the children for a bit, if not that then start taking chances to go out and have your own fun. s=don't ask him from your free time tell him about it. considering the fact you both just recently had kids maybe he's also simply stressed out and doesn't know what to do, but you also said you've been picking up after him way before this. leave him alone with his own mess, see how he likes it. 9/10 he wont, leave him alone with the kids for a day take your own break show him what its like being you for a day. if he truly loves you and your family, he'll understand and compromise with you, if not you might have to put your foot down and demand a break. I believe you love each other, but usually men don't ever realize what they have until they lose it. he needs to realize this before its lost forever.

Why would you have more kids when you're already raising three...? Your husband really seems to be looking down at the work you put in to maintain the household and raise the kids.

If he considers his work so hard, see if he'll accept an offer for a day where he has to do all the work you do in the home. Whenever I hear about situations like this, the outside-the-house working partner always devalues and underestimates the work that the homemaker partner puts in, and also never considers the fact that homemaking and raising kids doesn't have any days off. If that is too much of an ask for him to even consider... well, I'm not going to say you need to up and leave him, but maybe consider some marriage counseling.