The saying "to what end" always filled me with a fair amount of curiosity. I can't explain why, it's such an open-ended question that if you didn't think about its abstract application you wouldn't think much of it, besides a cool saying for villains I guess. However, as time went on I started to grow more attached to the question. Certain degrees of mental, physical, and spiritual pain invoked that question within me. I don't believe I would be grasping at straws when I say that in such scenarios many people think about and question the purpose of their situations and the reasoning behind their requirement to endure.

That being said, I am at an intriguing crossroads. There is the one part of me that asks "to what end?", in hopes that the end of my draining and treacherous endeveors will conclude. I hold out hope that if I am patient and consistent in my prayers, my faith, my will and spirit, that, I will be rewarded. The other path, the one that I have been contemplating in such depth that I feel like it should terrify me, is killing myself.

To be fair, if I looked objectively at my situation, it's nothing, practically less than nothing. I have a roof over my head, the ability to go to college(albeit not the college I want, and while consistently haveing horrible experiences there), I can work and make a decent amount of money, my family is assisting my where they can and I have friends that care about me. Be that as it may, I still find my self wanting to try, to move beyond surviving. In the military school I went to we were taught the difference between surviving and thriving. We were taught that although money and a fair amount of it can lead to ones ability to thrive, it is more a means of survival. I never got over that understanding, I never got over the urge to thrive, to feel true freedom.

In my case true freedom and the ability to survive accounted for a multitude of things, physical health, working out frequently was something I used to enjoy, I wanted to train in different martial arts and work on sculpting my preferred physique. I wanted to work on my appearance, I have had a multitude of skin issues throughout my life due to not having the means or the understanding to acquire what was necessary to rectify those disparities. I also wanted braces, I despised smiling due to how disfigured my teeth were and It made me lose the ability to genuine smile. I also wanted to get into a particular college. I had plans of getting in sense I was a child and even now I still wish there was some way I could make it happen. I yearned to be in a place where I could feel challenged where I could feel like going all out without feeling like there was no reward. I wished to be in a learning environment were everyone wassn't concerned with being the best in the school but being 'the best'. I wanted to have the means in funds to get my family a house and help them get started on cultivating their personal business ideas, and even starting my own. I wanted to be able to travel with friends and even on my own without the worry of how long I would be able to enjoy myself. With the most basic perspective those hopes, and dreams, 'wants' to be more precise are very consistent among people.

However, I always looked at it just a bit differently, as I typed all of that, and as it was probably read, there were a multitude of different visuals of those ideas. For me, when I think about them I don't think about the experiences themselves as to thinking about the impacts. I don't care so much for having a lot of money as I do for having the means to purchase things I may want or need effectively. I don't want to buy a super expensive home for my family because it's the 'nice' or 'right' thing to do, I want to do it because it is the most effective method. I want to travel not because I want to go everywhere and experience new things but, because I want to know that I am never trapped in one place. "Freedom", "means", that is what has brought me to the afformentioned crossroads.

If I were to look at where I am now, and the possibility of where I could be the 'means' I could have, I get severely frustrated. I wouldn't call it depressed however, I do fully understand why it might appear that way. Moreover, when I think about being patient, continuing to try, going forth with that "indomitable human will", I feel nothing. Sort of like someone trying to force a thought onto you without understanding how to tell a good story. You can see it, but you feel no personalization or emotional attument from it. I attempt to look forward objectively and ask myself, what are the chances that something could change tomorrow, tonight, maybe a week from now. I despise that I can't seem to come up with anything.

I spend time praying, thinking, hoping, and in the end I always come back to the same hated conclusion. Why must I patiently way for a series of neigh perfect events to come together for my ability to change. Why does the option to have to wait 10, 20, 30+ years have to be a possibility if I want to change now. Teaching humility?, huberous?, understanding?, patience? All of it infuriates me. It seems so innificient. Spontanious and perpenent changes can come about within people if enough pressure is applied and if they are willing to give it all to achieve that change. I know deep down that I want to achieve a serious level of change, enough so that I can attain those 'means'. And yet, when I think of plans they fail, come up just short of my goal, lack the necessary resources, are just too late, or just cease to even formulate. At times like that I thoroughly understand why people to to Atheism, dark and demonic arts, crimes, villainy. It's because it at least is within their control to a degree. Even if in the end they end up becoming stepping stones for other people to achieve the growth that they wanted to achieve.

So, I sit here at this crossroads, staring down another night where I sleep and dream of something likely pointless or so conviluted that any attempt to understand it proves fruitless. Awaiting a new day where I try to find a solution to achieve my mounting wants and desires for freedom most likely to no avail. I will pray deeply hoping God hears me and sleep with the aggravating silence of my minds senseless thoughts, while try to not feed into my idiotic porn addiction. Dreaming about good days where preparation was a menial concern. Thinking about perfect futures where I achieve my dreams and attain my freedom. Being the only thing that gives me solace in these days(besides chess and reading). Or alternatively, I can call it wraps, I can choose to not deal with any more of it. I can save my family the extra money time and effort and just log out. I honestly can't see any real reason to indulge in the former. Hope? Faith? Possibilites? Whithout the 'means' those things don't come efficiently. I can't say that I will be the same person wanting to try and try again if I'm in my 30s and have made no progress. Stopping here at 19 might be a mercy. Not really sure. Either way. For tonight I guess I'm going to sleep with my disposition, she's warm. She's there even when I wish she wasn't. There must be something to find comfort in there, huh?