I've been living with long term depression for 3 years now. Ever since my diagnosis of Epilepsy durring my last year of high school, I've been feeling distant and unmotivated. It all started when I felt like everyone in my friend group were ignoring me. The only time anyone would ever pay attention to me was if I said something funny or out-of-pocket. So, even when we hang out in college I've learnt to be that person. I've learnt to put on masks but...in all honestly, I hate being the funny friend. I just want to be normal and not be treated like the sarcastic one--the clown who's not supposed to be deep or anything. It's hard to word that one.
In my first year of college, I made no friends. I missed one day of class since I fell sick prior and groups were already formed. I flunked my first year but somehow passed with a warning into my second year. I think it was the social aspect as well as my bad profs. They got fired last year. Every time I got an email, even if it wasn't from them, I'd get anxious, sometimes even have a meltdown and become terrified. It was one bad thing after the next. By my second year, I slowly gained some friends (2), but really by chance. I was in a project with the guy the semester prior and met the girl through him introducing her to me. She ended up inviting me to her birthday which was super fun. After third semester, I didn't do good and got kicked out for a year. During that semester, despite having gained some friends, I felt even more alone. I got so behind in classes, school work terrified me and I stopped going. It was the girl who helped me through a panic attack in the washroom and took my stuff out of the class so I could leave. I tried to go back to that class multiple times but every time I'd get close, I'd break down into tears. My mom would have to drive me back. I avoided it.
Now, I'm back in my second year (now without my friends) and have since passed that semester with a decent gpa, but feel even more miserable. I can't describe it. Sometimes, in the morning, I think of throwing myself off of the small balcony or down the stairs, just so I don't have to go to school, but I then remember how that could disable me physically. Some with knives. Sometimes I remember I have free will to stab myself or gouge out my eyes but remember the consequences. Sometimes I just want to feel pain you know? Even today, I realized I had to get something done and freaked out at 6:30 AM. Barely ate any breakfast. I said, and honestly still feel, that I rather kms then show up to school. Or, at least drop out and block all of my classmates on instagram. In addition, I hate most of them. I'm thinking about dropping out. The thing is, I don't feel that way (fully). I don't want to think those thoughts but they are my true feelings. I just want the world to stop;I've been trying to shift since I was 15 because I want to believe there's away to get out of this hell hole. I thought that if I'd do something extreme that I'd finally get help--that ppl would finally care about me; feel bad for me and value me. I've never had a boyfriend, have an emotionally abusive childhood so my family is pretty fucked up as it is, and I just feel so tired. Maybe something like a mixture of, sad, angry, despair, hopelessness, and wanting for help. At this point, I've dug myself so deep that it's difficult to pull myself out of it. I need help and I've advocated for help, but I still feel this way. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so unmotivated. I hate wanting to kms on the daily.I know that this is temporary, but I just can't deal with it by myself. 3 years of feeling miserable has sucked. 3 years of feeling lonely when I'm surrounded by people; 3 years of hating myself; And 3 years not feeling worthy. I just need help. I have no intention to kms, but in those moments of disparity, I'm capable of a lot. Also, I'm scared to tell my mom I want to kms as well as to my therapist. I don't want to be put in a hospital for this. I'd go even more crazy. Can someone just give me some advice or sm? I just hate this world. School itself is making the world to bleak.

If your mom is not abusive or crazy, you should tell her that you are too stressed from school and it makes you want to die. I did the same thing and my dad surprisingly listened, and then he let me drop some classes, and now I feel better. I also go to a therapist and take medication prescribed by my doctor.

Nothing can fully undo the damage those people did all those years ago, but things can get a heck of a lot better.