My retarded ass did it again. I've been trying so hard not to keep falling backwards into masturbation. I have no idea what to do. I wish I could just cut out the part of my brain and heart that leads to lust. Even if that meant losing my understanding of love and being and emotionless person. I don't even care. This makes me want to kill myself and it should be so easy, right? Just stop. But, it's like I become an entirely separate person. I hate even that as an example because it feels like an excuse. It just makes no sense. The idea of killing myself makes more sense then living to perpetually emberasss myself. I used to hate looking in the mirror because of this. Now, I just don't even care to look at all. I know what's going to be looking back at me is some overly hormonal, useless piece of shit. I can't even be calm and thorough in my typing right now. I'm angry and my mind is all over the place. I want to eat but the thought of saciating any kind of hunger of mine makes me want to puke. I don't have any idea how people can do drugs so casually and enjoy it. This makes me hate being around myself. I'm so done with my stupid ass shit.