I don't mean to alarm anyone but I think I might genuinely kill myself. Im not sure how serious I am about it but I don't know if I can do this anymore. My mom is abusive in several ways and I find I can't get away from her even though I am in university. My mood is completely dependant on her feelings towards me which only are good when I feel like shit. I am so sick of it. I can't find a therapist bc all of them cost money and my mom tracks me. I can't talk to friends either bc I don't want to worry them. I don't want to use those "free therapy" cites either bc the last time I did multiple people asked me for nudes or sent me theirs without my consent. I feel disgusting. I genuinely can't reach out to anyone and I know that God has a plan and "everything makes sense eventually" but I cannot in any way justify anything that has happened to me. I hate how my brain works and I am sick of all of this. I want peace. I want love, real love. And I am so jealous of my friends who have it. I feel I don't have a good heart anymore because of the envy and the hate that's being created in me because of all of this. I am sorry for the alarming opening to this post, I really hate the whole "oh I am gonna kill myself" scare, mostly bc ive been subjected to it a few times, but I wouldn't say it unless I genuinely feel that shitty. And at the moment I do (still don't worry though, I won't do anything, I am not actively planning it or anything). I hate myself and I don't feel like my life is my own. I am so dependent on my parents and I have a debt to them that I am not done paying. In the Bible it says something along the lines of "what god takes away he will give back 7 fold". And we'll, God, if you're real, I want this to get better please. I've seen what you've done for others. I need things to get better. I am so sick. Hope you're all having a nice day, thanks for reading, and again don't worry I won't do anything, just feeling really shitty and needed to get it off of my chest.

Hey there OP. I dont want to play armchair-therapist here, but I'm gonna try. First of all im sorry that this is happening to you as it sounds like it's something that has been going on for a long time. Normally my suggestion would be to contact a therapist, but it seems like your mother tracks your funds and you dont want her knowing that you went to/paid for a therapist. In light of that, my first suggestion is to see what your university can offer you, most universities *should* have a counsuling service of some kind, so you could look into whether or not thats something you can do free of charge. If not that, then find a professor or other faculty member you trust and talk to them. I know this is going to be a bit fucked up of me to say, but this problem cant be solved for free. If you are a working age adult where you live, even if your mother can track your finances, you should be able to apply for an account or card that she cannot/wont have access to unless you give it to her (which you shoudlnt), that you could have all your paychecks go to instead. If you aren't a working age adult/dont have a job then this idea kind of goes out the window, but if you are in university I at least assume you are an adult or at least soon to be an adult.

I know that you say you dont want to worry your friends, but if you have all that stuff piled on your shoulders, unless you have the greatest pokerface in the history of mankind I doubt your friends haven't noticed something is off. You dont have to tell all of your friends, and you dont have to tell them everything, but you should absolutely talk to them about it, and if they are good friends to you they will listen and care. I had a friend a while back that had a similar outlook and she kept everything to herself until things got very bad and she broke down to me over the phone. Despite the following months of sleepless nights worrying about her that was THE MOST IMPORTANT phone call I have ever recieved, and I DO NOT wish she kept it from me what was going on in her life. I'll tell you what I told her, the fact that she reached out proved that she wanted help depsite the fact that she would say she didnt and that she was ready to go. Maybe you really dont plan on offing yourself (which I hope is the case) but I personally think that the fact you posted this proves you still want to be here.

As a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you I cannot and will not tell you how you are feeling, but given my experiences with friends from the past I can imagine you probably feel incredibly alone and isolated. And as annoyingly cliche as it sounds stranger, you are NOT alone. The fact that you are at a university and you have a group of friends around you means that you do have the opportunities to reach out and get help from the people around you who know and care for you, but you have to take those opportunities, which is the hardest part, but you are fully capable of it I belive. I sincerly hope things get better for you stranger, its NOT too late, you are NOT alone, and you CAN do this.

Please don't, not sure if you'll see this and I won't see a reply either but whatever you are going through is not worth your life. Once you are out of it and realise how it was only temporary, you will forever thank yourself. Stay strong, s***de is never the right option.