1 Name: Moving on : 2022-04-19 17:25 ID:ByjtAe4l [Del]
When I was a young teen (god, around a decade ago now?), I discovered Durarara, and it was the first anime that got me hooked. Izaya was the first character I felt like I could relate to, and he felt so real to me. Not only did we have a very similar upbringing, but our views on the world aligned, and I also harbored an intense intrigue into the inner workings and wiles of human beings. I had always felt out of place and like an observer. I always kept people at a distance, and I didn’t have many close friends. I missed out on many experiences, have treated people very poorly, and did some bad things in the past, and I have lost many friends in the process. To me, Izaya was like an idealized version of myself and was almost like a lover. It took me a long time to stop looking for pieces of him in every man I met. I think some point down the line, I centered my moral core around his own. In high school, I skipped class a lot and got into the information trading business for a while, thinking I’d be doing that for a long time. Hell, I even lived in Japan for a while just so I could learn the language and feel closer to him. Around 2014 or 2015, I joined this forum under a different handle and delighted in causing trouble on this board, the chatrooms, and the groupme. In college, I didn’t make many close friends either and was still doing info-brokering, dabbled in pharma, and started a gambling ring.
The whole time, I felt like I was living as half-a-person. Recently, I have come to the realization that it is time to move on with my life, and that if I keep going like this, I’ll end up miserable forever. My best friend since I was young left me, I turned my high school buddy into a business partner, and I decided to forego my actual principles to chase a delusion I clung to out of loneliness and fear of getting hurt.
I used to compare myself to others, only focusing on the negatives in myself. I realized that I was focusing too much on the worst aspects of myself and my own life, that I forgot to appreciate the beauty. I’ve been traveling much lately, spending time trying to reconnect with old friends, reconciling differences. I told my high school buddy how much I appreciated his friendship during our time together. I may have been an outcast in my earlier years, but I did have decent people surrounding me at the time who never really gave up on me; I reached out to a few of them recently and they only remember good things about me and I wish I had thought the same of them for a longer period of time. I may have spent much of my earlier years being an asshole, but now I realize that there were good people around me that actively tried to keep me afloat, despite me not being deserving of it; some of my best memories are from that time. Even though I was a nuisance on the internet, there were a few people from those days I met who I really wished I could have been friends with, and I’ve stopped going around trolling on forums for years now and instead am trying to create something for the world instead of constantly trying to burn everything down. I spent most of my study abroad making new friends and learning how to like myself again, experiencing what a real family should be like, and although I’ve always hated the idea of teaching, I have been thinking about trying lately because of a teacher I met when I was there. I had a serious relationship with someone in college that I thought would be the one, and although it didn’t last, there were beautiful moments. The only thing I kept around while in college was the gambling because I realized I enjoy it more for the game and company and didn’t care for the profit anymore.
All this time I have been actively trying to avoid having great experiences because I loathed myself. I knew I was lying to myself, but this character was a way out of the isolation and pain I felt at the time. Now, I’m in my 20s and realize that it’s time to move on and wake up; that I don’t need this delusion anymore. I’ve been trying to rediscover what morality and truth means, and I’ve met someone wonderful. While traveling solo, I realized that I don’t want to ruin what I have with him because of my long-lasting self-hatred and warped worldview.
This has been more cathartic than anything; for around 8 years now I’ve held onto Izaya as a sort of support and excuse. I realize now that although we may have been similar in the past, I am not him, and I can enjoy happiness. There are people like him in the world that I feel so sorry for because I have been that person and know that it’s avoidable, and if you are that person, trust me when I tell you this: the world isn’t as bad as you think.
Around 7 years ago, I came across a post similar to the one I’ve typed up now and ignored it, passing it off as mere idealism and trickery. Yes, the world can be extremely shitty, but there is still beauty in it, and it is okay to focus on the beauty while not denying the shittiness. No, I am not trying to trick you and am genuinely trying to help, something I wish I had realized this person was trying to do earlier.
Life is not a race, nor a survival game, nor is it a kingdom filled with Princes. Expectations are not reality, and no one was born to be half a person.
There’s a poem by Kahil Gibran called “Do not love half lovers” that I think everyone should read.
2 Name: Roka : 2022-04-21 04:25 ID:/vRezKRM [Del]
Hello!! I just want to say that.. well idk what to say. Your post rlly touched me and I relate to it as well and I don't think I've ever seen anyone place something I relate with so heavily so coherently. I don't know if you are gonna see this but what u did and finding the strength to change took a whole lot of courage and i think it's rlly rlly cool. I need to make clear that I truly admire you.
If you are willing to bore yourself with what my experience is with this you will find it below- I am curious on advice you might give someone who is going through something similar.
Around 6 years ago of so I had come across an anime called "baccano!" I'm sure that you will recognize the name because it is the password for this website. I don't know how much you know about it but the main reason for that is because it is the previous work of the author of "durarara!!". I watched "baccano!" before "durarara!!" and I was ecstatic as I discovered that there were many little Easter eggs within the show that were from "baccano!" Again, I don't know how much you know about the anime for "baccano" but also I would like to say the animation quality isnt as good as "durarara!" And I definitely would recommend just going on the wiki instead and looking at the plot if u need to clear up any confusion or if you are interested instead of watching the anime. I immediately fell in love with all of it, especially the characters and the themes within the show. I particularly took a liking to a character named "Luck Gandor" and "Felix Walken/Claire Stanfeild". The entirety of Luck, even his childhood and his family had been incredibly similar to mine- hell- it's canon that he grew up in an area close to me, as the setting for "baccano!" Is New York. At one point or another I also seemed to have based my personality off of his as well as his mannerism, morals, interests etc.. I started getting intrested in things that would be considered not very normal for a teenage girl- but I had learned to keep it to myself. I also mentioned earlier I took a liking to Felix Walken. He was- in the story- the strongest person in the world. Which he proves multiple times over and over again. He was entirely human as well, which I remember being very impressive to me at the time when I found out. He was cocky and cunning and those were two things I believed he earned. I loved his character as well, but not in the way that I found myself similar to him, but in the way that I wanted to be like him, or have someone who was that strong in my life. Thus, I had started to have similar problems of that you described in your post. Because I had loved these characters so much I would look for any attributes that they had that reminded me of them in people in my life- because of this I had a very odd and at one point- very unsettling circle of friends. (I should clarify now, in "baccano!" Luck is a mafisioso and Felix is an assassin- I would like to believe that anyone in that group never killed anyone but they sure as well weren't affiliated with good people, and they weren't exactly the best either.) It's one of those weird things that even now that I have been able to identify it- I still subconsciously do these things, look for people like that and try and fit in with them because of it. I don't know why I am sharing all this with you honestly, I don't know what you are going to say. However, I just wanted to put it out there that there is someone who can maybe mildly sympathize with your experience. I am very appreciative if you have read this long into the post. Thank you and I hope you are well!
