Damn I haven't been on this site for at least a few weeks. Glad to be back. I was inspired to do this rant thread by 'Ro Tea's Daily Rant' Thread. Thank you for the idea btw if ur reading this. This is mainly for me and if I die i would like my friends or family reading this perhaps. I don't know I thought it be a fun thing to do. Ill be posting whenever I feel like and don't feel like you guys have to respond. It would be nice though if you guys expressed your advice towards my issues tho! Rants incoming later

Go ahead, at least I will be listening
be safe :)

Sometimes I just feel so lonely and i know everyone feels this way sometimes especially during quarantine and covid-19 going on. I haven't really had any affection in my life even from my parents which made me desire love and affection more and more than usually. But not the love and affection that your parents and friends give you Im talking about in a romantic sense. I just want someone to hold me while I'm in my darkest times, I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I want a shoulder to cry on. Everyday I hope to dream of something that will help fulfill this desire such as dreaming about men who hold me or kiss me in my dream. I just want to feel loved and I want to love someone in that way. But my desire for it will only hold me back from getting it. Its hard to pull back from this feeling, love is a strange feeling that I cant explain. Im sure you guys know how that is. Currently I don't love any1 in a romantic sense, Im waiting for someone who can fulfill my desires. Of course no one is perfect but I heard from many people that I shouldn't settle for people. I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, I'm only in highschool yet Im thinking about love. I know thinking about this will only disappoint me more but its something that my brain just doesn't ignore. What a shame. I had a boyfriend a long while back and it was my first and only one I had so far. He was sweet and kind, he always protected me and made sure I was okay most of the time. We were young and didn't understand anything but I really appreciated him for what he did. He made me feel loved and gave me the best time of my life. Eventually we split since we went to different highschool as well as other problematic issues that I don't wanna go into depth right now. He made me realize that I need to find someone that cares about me and isn't a huge asshole, which is what some of my older crushes were. I want to say more but this post is getting long haha. His name is Jonathan, I miss the old him so much.

I think desiring to get embraced by someone you love is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Actually i dont really know what should i say because i never get embraced and have a partner until now, but i think any affection will fill the hole in your heart even if its not perfect, because the one u need right now is romantic love. Any affection will do but not as good as the one that u really need, so the only thing that i can say
Try your best to moving forward and holding your self. The affection that you need is not easy to get so on the way you can satisfy yourself with other kind of affections (maybe from friends). As for me, my friends helped me a alot and i make my self busy or make a certain goal that i can achieve so that i wont depressed so often, well but people are different. I hope you can feel better after this

Thank you for the advice Ro Tea :)! You are right about how i should hold myself back and think less abt the affection i crave. Since I know i wont be getting that for a while its best to just forget abt it until it happens. Recently I've been wanting to talk to more of my friends since nowadays its been lonely.

I sometimes just hate myself for the things i do. Some days I rarely eat which contributes to my thin body. I wish I can just eat big meals everyday, its not like I'm economically insufficient I just hate eating sometimes. When I eat i have this gag reflex where i feel like throwing up so I'm forced to chug my food down with water. I cannot eat without water. Now I'm considering the fact that instead of eating a lot of solid foods i should order some soup or easy to eat foods that I don't have to chew or else it may trigger that gag reflex. Just thinking about chewing and eating makes me feel like throwing up ngl. Its terrible I don't know why it happens. Im scared to tell my doctor for 2 reasons, one I'm too scared to believe that I might have an eating disorder and two, I don't want my family knowing. Im not sure if they even know what an eating disorder is, except for my sister. My mom is always saying Im so skinny and I need to eat more, sometimes my dad too but we don't talk so i dont remember the last time he told me that. Sometimes when they say something like that I either feel sad or just neutral. Its not like they know whats happening to me but at the same time its a big insecurity of mine. I want to grow, I want to be beautiful. My skinniness is pulling me back from my ideal self. No one is going to want a skinny girl as their girlfriend i tell myself. At the same time i know it isn't true but i tell myself a lot of negative things. The thing about my eating problem is that I have a small mouth, I cant take big bites or else it will trigger the gag reflex. But then again I dont have the time to just be taking small bites of my food and waste and hour eating. Eating is such a hassle. Im currently in need of food right now but I'm so scared of gagging because i feel so sick when it happens. I haven't thrown up in years and Im too scared to feel what its like. You might be thinking, "you're not doing anything about it so why are you complaining?" And my answer to you is because I'm a lazy bitch who cant do anything on their own. Damn I didn't notice how negative i am to myself lol. Usually when I'm talking with people I'm more positive and upbeat. Being quarantined for so long does things to a person i guess, either that or I've always been like this. I want to be able to take care of myself, but i often get distracted. Sigh