I think of myself as a simple person, I don't ask for much, I keep to myself, promptly introverted, but I like to try to make people happy. My life has been somewhat of a cluster, and there have been some big changes going on with me. Last fall, I had my first surgery, an appendectomy, which prior to had been causing troubles with my stomach, so woohoo for that mystery solved. But now that had been cleared up, another issue took the spotlight. This has been getting noticeably worse since last year, no one has any idea when it initially started or what caused it, and it's only been getting worse. Since I have no clue, nor do my doctors, of what it is, I shall refer to it as an episode or episodes. This issue revolves somewhere in my head, that we know. I go into periods where I'll just stop and "blank out", staring off into space, forgetting what happened during that time. My balance has been faltering, not terribly so, but to the point where I'm often catching myself almost falling over. My memory has been affected too, mostly interfering with short term events (as in ill forget for a moment if I brushed my teeth or not, or simple scenarios like that), but it's now been affecting remembering the names of some people and words, and all of these things are starting to get to me.

My family has a history of ADD, ADHD, and Seizures, so my doctors looked into those to see if I could possibly have a form of one of them. Eventually I get an EEG done on me, which for those who don't know is a test where they check out the electrical activity of the brain, to put it simply. It was noted that I had an irregular brain pattern, though not just at times where I had these episodes, but rather it was somewhat constant. My doc comes back saying that he thinks it sounds like focal seizures, which to be honest I don't remember what it means. Anywho, I get put on some seizure medication, and I'm scheduled to see a neurologist later on. Last month, I saw her, and she says that she doesn't think that what I'm having are seizures, which just threw a monkey wrench into the clunk of junk this problem already was. I'm now going to a hospital later this month for a few days in a seizure monitoring unit where they'll look at every aspect of my brain, seeing how it works, seeing how I work, etc..

That's what's been going on in my recent times, but it all has gotten me thinking. I'm not the most "normal" person mentally speaking, I've got some underlying anxiety issues along some other things I don't know how to describe. In short, I'm scared. I aspire to be an animator one day, I love cartoons, I love drawing, despite my lack of skill. I've been drawing everyday to improve, which I have greatly, and I wish to make something one day. Though everyday that passes, I feel more that I won't ever see that fulfilled. My episodes have worsen, one day I had to head to the hospital because I "blanked out" for over 2 hours, whereas I usually was out for 10 seconds. Everything related to this has just seem to be getting worse, and if what I have isn't a seizure, I'm terrified to know what else it could be. It's so much for me to take in, and I have no clue how to cope with it while I wait for the day I go get tested. I don't know if I'm searching for an answering coming here or if I just needed to get this off my chest. If anyone has any words of wisdom or anything to say, feel free. Sorry about this being so long, and thanks for reading it all.

Hello, my friend. Your condition is very sad for me, but I believe that you will be cured. You probably won't believe it, but I also dream of becoming an animator, creating cartoons, but I don't have any skills. I've never drawn better than a small child, and I don't have much time for it. But I promise you, if I can, if I ever start creating cartoons like you and I both dream of, I will definitely keep you in it. I sincerely wish you health and well-being. And if you don't mind, just tell me your name. One day, I will create a character in memory of your dream and yourself.

for me: youth, almost in its entirely, very much felt like a fugue state, looking back on it. Somewhere near the end of my adolescence everything in my mind sort of spiked; an emotional/psychological revelation if you will.

it was a very intense experience which I often used substances to quell. But that didn't slow things down. With an unusually high tolerance to most things and a pre-existing fear of losing control of myself, 99% of it was weed.

There was so much happening in my head; and all of it perfectly irrational- but also, in a way, aligning with the orations of gurus and mystics across the globe. aligning with the things my friends would talk about after their 3 day acid trips.

Sooner or later I came to realize that this 'epiphany' or spontaneous intelligence I might have had wasn't anything I decided to work for, and It wasn't exactly prayed for either.

I didn't understand it but I understood everything else...
at least... I finally understood how my reality was in contrast with the foundations of truth- and began stripping away the layers I stacked and what I saw underneath demanded to be written and spread to the world.

So that was my goal - I set out to write something. Anything, a script, a novel, a biography, i wasn't sure, but I needed to start writing.

That was 11 years ago - and I have no published works. Sure lots and lots of writing was done, but never published.

At some point after this initial spike, there was a great decline- a massive depression. No, Not brought on by excessive substance abuse; because at a point it was prescribed medication. At this point, cannabis was a waste of money, and the prescriptions were very high dosage- too risky mixing all that.

The greater point here is that I spiked again. At some point the meds were useless too, but there were worse side affects this time around. manic states, short temper, pacing, lost in thought, extreme anxiety, not eating, sleeping, not caring for myself at all; but my brain is exploding again with thoughts and ideas and nonsense begging to be organized and written.

Before anything gets organized - the spike drops again. Back into depression; and with still worse side effects. Im ending up in the psych ward more often. taking 4 or 5 different medications at a time. its almost impossible to keep a job, maintain contact with people, there was suddenly so much unwarranted anguish - but, my life is not bad dude. I'm in the thicc boi nation, ya boi don't starve for nothin.

All my brain knew was that it has to figure out why I feel so horrible, so it would just come up with ideas on its own because there was perhaps a greater fear of the unknown. So like, I'd come into a bout of mental turmoil and my brain will think about why - deciding something like; "Oh that one time in 4th grade when had to fart during silent study and I tried to cough to cover it but the cough ended up delaying the fart so basically I got everyone's attention, and then farted --- that MUST be why I'm feeling so ashamed and embarrassed right now" - complete nonsense.

I might not have realized it then, and we're only a couple years within that 11 year period - but there was a pattern emerging. What I believed was 'the spirits granting me eternal wisdom from beyond the physical realm' was really my brain just doin some weird chemical shit... and If I wasn't so loose with my understanding of reality, I might have caught it sooner.

Well, Nony - why bother saying all this? Because I still have no Idea whats wrong. Every doctor i've seen in the last 11 years has had something different to say about whats going on - and their treatment and medication usually focuses on emotional maintenance and promoting physical self-care.

Not a single doctor has ever considered maybe there is something physical going on, or that the concoction of medication I've been ingesting was the worst possible thing - and that's where I am today concerning what I actually know about whats wrong with me. Waiting to see more doctors.

Over the 11 years, I have experienced these spikes, at least 4 or 5 times a year, and when I look at the past year, that has perhaps tripled. I can go through a couple of spikes in a week; complete manic episode, out of control, anger, rage, paranoia - then through no will or effort, suddenly depressed, sleeping 16 hours at a time, no will to move or eat or practice hobbies. Classic Bipolar stuff, classic major depressive disorder stuff, classic borderline personality disorder, could be a very mild schizophrenic episodes, WHO KNOWS MAN, all I know is no 2 doctors said the same thing.

So now I sit here;
with all this written work that I physically and mentally no longer have the energy for.
I've weened myself off all of their prescriptions (with direct supervision, relax) and have chosen to stick with smoking cannabis - no no, not cause I'm a stoner boi (even though I am) but because there is currently no other effective way to eat without nausea, to sleep without tossing for 4 out of the 8 hours, to work on something without going feral at every obstacle, to have a conversation without forgetting everything that was said afterwards - - -

anyway - the whole point of this mess is that today,
I'm losing my speech motor skills; stuttering stammering, often having to start over from the beginning of a thought to say it correctly.
My balance is way off- I almost had to learn how to dance so my muscle memory will turn my feet and shift my weight when it feels like its falling.
Depth perception, awareness of surroundings; if the furniture in my house ever moved and always stayed in the same place, I would still stub my toe on it every day.
My memories have been difficult to recall, and some memories aren't even trustworthy; I will have to have a conversation with someone twice because I was sure they said something else.
My memories of childhood as well are largely different then my parents memories. You could say that's pretty normal, and the strongest of those memories is from a very early trauma, so those details are up for question too.
Oh and my brain has also decided, among other things, the importance of even storing certain memories at all; how much of a dope do I look like trying to tell you what I had for breakfast just before I arrived at work for the day. The look on my face must be equivalent to a molecular biologist about to crack the gene code of an extraterrestrial entity.

Apologies for being verbose. If you couldn't tell, I still very much enjoy writing, but I've given up on making it into anything. My hands work well, and my brain has no trouble forming written sentences, my penmanship has not suffered either.

So my greater concern now is my speech. I can tell I'm losing it more and more and I have no way of knowing why or how to slow it down, neither do the doctors- they just want to give me more meds, like, A LOT more, but I'm basically dead weight on that stuff; good luck getting me through an 8 hour work day with 1500mg of that nonsense coursing through my body.

So I'm losing my speech, I'm losing my memories - and my brain decided to have a little spike when I thought of all these things happening, when I pondered the emerging pattern in my physical health.

I started an audio based podcast.

Now the things I write are recorded, produced, and posted for the world to hear.
The thoughts I lose will be floating between my silly jokes and hobby discussions, all recorded and forever on the internet.
The voice I know now will be available for me to hear for years to come, long after I lose it for good. The memories of my past will be there when I don't carry them with me anymore.

This is the first time I've ever worked so hard on something and enjoyed doing it so much, and its becoming more than I ever could have hoped for with just writing---

And everyday when I put my face to the microphone, I'm giving a big Fuck You to the universe. and it feels so good.

This is just your battle man. I decided to lean into this; granted it takes HOURS to edit all of the slurring and stammering words, and HOURS more to organize what to say in order to actually start and complete an idea succinctly.

But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm in control. I feel like I'm producing something, really creating something. For the first time I don't feel like everything I ever worked on up to this point was for naught.

So- screw it man. It's all going to get taken away at some point. whether its 10 years from now, or 60 years from now. Flip the universe the bird, defy nature; draw your god damn heart out.

forgot to mention one thing - - - i read a study once about anxiety, depression, that made a lot of sense about my physical symptoms.

the mental stress any one person can go through is essentially harmful to the brain - so consider someone like me who has spent more waking time in states of stress and anxiety than most others - certain parts of my frontal lobe are being affected - synapses are weakening due to the stress, hence the trouble speaking/balancing- this is where the internal maintenance comes in. What ever it could be that's wrong - it will never mean you can't be involved in creating something. You just have to know it really doesn't matter how we lose it- one day its gone.

check out any one of thousands of the terribly animated shows that make it to adult swim/cartoon network. 12 oz mouse? LOL LOL LOL

even with the time and effort it takes to make Japanese animation - there are still wildly successful animations that are just shite comparatively - crayon shin-chan lol

I had a conversation with a game dev who had to do the art all on his own - as a whole, it looks amazing, but then he explains he has zero art ability and youre like, yea it does look awful if formality really mattered - but it doesn't - art comes in all forms.

whatever stage your in, decide your ready to create, and you improve along the way.

compare spongebob season one to now. compare adventure time season one to last season. even a live action show that goes on for years gets better as the seasons go on - improved camera & sound equipment, new writers, more famous co-actors, etc

btw when you get it up and running; I would love to talk about it on the podcast

shoot me an email so we can stay connected.
omverse . dollars @ gmail . com

In response to baytasxo, thank you for your sincerity, and my friends usually call me Jojo, and no that's not a jojo reference lol. You can make your dream happen, I myself, though as scared as I am, still go about my best trying to pursue my dream. One thing I've learned that may be of assistance, there was a quote from bojack horseman ironically that really helped me understand what I'll have to do.
'Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day. That's the hard part. But it does get easier." - Jogger
I wish you luck in whatever you go after.

In response to omverse, I'm sorry to hear all that you've went through and are going through, and thank you for your wonderful insight. I'd be glad to get into contact with you. Some of what you've been through, symptom wise, is fairly close to what I've been experiencing, though if they're the same thing is hard to tell at this point in time. I will be in touch with you soon, I'll probably send an email after this to be honest just so I don't forget.

To everyone else reading, I'll come back to tell how my hospital visit goes when I come back from it, but that'll most likely be in a separate post since this one is bound to be buried before I head down. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to keep my head up and be as positive as I can, see you all later.

>>8 Good luck, Jojo. You SHOULD be fine.