hmm, will this work?

5:53 AM

Okay, I am sorry but I think I'm going to be sending you another weird emotional message. First, I just got to go into backstory mode a little. Basically, my first and worst hyper-depressive rut was when I discovered video games. Ever since I stopped reading in an attempt to be a high-schooler I had felt that everything in my life was kind of flat and placid; but I had gotten used to that fact. When I delved into computer games though, it brought back that whole feeling of nostalgia, a new reality but easier and more accessible than books. It got so intense that I began building imaginary walls around myself to enclose myself into this little box where nothing else mattered apart from my games; I became pretty much unresponsive, and ever since then is when I have been having my short term memory problems. My depression improved over time, mainly due to my desperation not to see a psychologist; my logic back then was I didn't have a problem if it wasn't official, I see how stupid that was now. I still felt that games were the best part of my day though, every single day would build up to the time when I could sit in front of the screen and escape from the petty thoughts, self criticisms and menial worries I could feel building up and mentally crushing me, and a life that felt controlled and mediated. And then I met you, for the first time in so many years something new and totally unexpected happened; I was so shocked and uneasy at first. It was weird having something not in a video game that I looked forwards to; talking to you just makes my mood better for some reason. Ever since then I have felt that brooding feeling wearing off, around a year ago it was getting so intense that some of the time the only reason I didn't commit was because I was mildly interested in how terribly I could fuck my life up. For the first time in years though, that feeling is gone entirely. It's five AM and I know that I should stop getting drunk every time I get in a insomnia frenzied mood but this time I just had to. So yeah, I guess the point of this is just to say, 'thankyou for being you'. Probably could have just said those four words but I've written all that shit now so I might as well use it.

Okay, I am sorry but I think I'm going to be sending you another weird emotional message. First, I just got to go into backstory mode a little. Basically, my first and worst hyper-depressive rut was when I discovered video games. Ever since I stopped reading in an attempt to be a high-schooler I had felt that everything in my life was kind of flat and placid; but I had gotten used to that fact. When I delved into computer games though, it brought back that whole feeling of nostalgia, a new reality but easier and more accessible than books. It got so intense that I began building imaginary walls around myself to enclose myself into this little box where nothing else mattered apart from my games; I became pretty much unresponsive, and ever since then is when I have been having my short term memory problems. My depression improved over time, mainly due to my desperation not to see a psychologist; my logic back then was I didn't have a problem if it wasn't official, I see how stupid that was now. I still felt that games were the best part of my day though, every single day would build up to the time when I could sit in front of the screen and escape from the petty thoughts, self criticisms and menial worries I could feel building up and mentally crushing me, and a life that felt controlled and mediated. And then I met you, for the first time in so many years something new and totally unexpected happened; I was so shocked and uneasy at first. It was weird having something not in a video game that I looked forwards to; talking to you just makes my mood better for some reason. Ever since then I have felt that brooding feeling wearing off, around a year ago it was getting so intense that some of the time the only reason I didn't commit was because I was mildly interested in how terribly I could fuck my life up. For the first time in years though, that feeling is gone entirely. It's five AM and I'm not even drunk this time, just in an insomnia frenzied mood. So yeah, I guess the point of this is just to say, 'thankyou for being you', you are amazing if not simply for being who you are; your complexities are just part of what make you great. Probably could have just said this entire message in those original four words but I've written all that shit now so I might as well use it.

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