whenever I get depressed, I start to think. Like, REALLY think. I think of ways I could answer the questions everyone asks me. Like why I stay depressed when I could easily change. Well here's my answer. The reason most people stay depressed, is because it's a new point of view in life. When you're this sad, so close to ending your own life with your own hands, you think of the world and the secrets it could be hiding or just holding, waiting for someone to figure It out. Then, you think farther. About life, why people do certan things, why we're even here in the first place. Some people...just don't want to go back to that fake life. That life of secrecy. I know most of it sounds ridiculous and like Im exaggerating. But seriously. I don't know what it feels like to be happy anymore. Not the "yay I get a cupcake" happy, but a true happiness where the rain falls and you still think it's absolutely beautiful. Where you still have the strength to comfort your best friend for months when they're talking about their X-boy friend or girlfriend, and you don't get a single word in. When you can only sit by and try to comfort them as they cry themselves to sleep. when really, you're the one crying yourself to sleep. To be honest, I'm to weak to change again. I'm kinda just getting used to acting like I'm okay. I know my friends are worried, but they don't have time for somebody like me. NO, I don't feel sorry for myself, but it's not like I'm trying to carry the weight of the world either. What makes me really selfish is even though I tell my friends not to worry, I later ask for them to comfort me. They're probably so confused right now. And somehow, after all this, I still try to protect them. After I've used up every ounce of energy just getting out of bed, I go to school and sass off to those stupid bully's, and act like I've got it all under controle. I know how to take care of bully's, but not myself. In some way, I AM bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders, because they ARE my world. Mu friends ARE my world. I've got so much to look forward to. I have my music and poetry and the book I'm writing. I have my 3 cats and 1 dog, and I have my friends. I've actually got a pretty good life on the outside, but on the inside, I am completely broken. There's so much stuff wrong with me. I literally am physically broken. I'm a very weak person. I've passed out in gym class several times, and the teacher doesn't even know. I just want to catch up to the other students. I wish that I could just get by with acting emotionless, or having emotional outbreaks and emotional breakdowns with no-one thinking bad of me. Or.....worse of me. I keep pushing myself. I passed my limit a long time ago.
 

It is said those who want to be happy need to have something to love, something to do and a goal, as i think that's what it is. so ur not alone there, so good luck with everything.