Hello. I have randomly decided to place my random thoughts and make this my diary on my journey to pursue medicine. It is up to you guys if you are willing to watch how my life goes. (note: i would keep some personal information private or change the name for the sake of confidentiality)
Well, first I am going to introduce myself. I will go under the name Rinerva Kreuz. I have just finished my first year in my premed Pharmacy. At the moment, I dream of pursuing medicine as a surgeon. I am still not sure of what kind of surgeon I want to be, but neurosurgeon caught my eye before class started. However, I am still unsure. Anyway i have alot of time to think :D. I left my hometown to enter a city I will call Lani. I started living alone in a condo and the sudden change from being in a house filled with your family to being all alone made me go through alot. I will be posting from time to time.
Thank you!
- R

Journal #1- first week.

Living alone is like taking a test of faith in yourself. And this kind of test is hard for people like me, pessimists. You don't have your family to support you, you got no friends living with you, you do not have any relationship with a guy to keep you going, no one to tell you "come on! You can do it", no one to hug you or pat your back. You are all alone, all you have is you. You only have yourself, so be more positive. You're the only one left who can cheer for you. You'll pass, you'll make it, it'll be worth it.

However, it is very tempting. Especially the relationship part. Seeing all your friends suffering just like you, but instead they got their own significant other to support them, help them get their things, do shit for them, comfort them when they cry, etc. It sure is nice to have someone pamper you like that. I'm scared, it's scary living alone, I'm such a negative person that every morning I wanna cry and every night I think of shifting. I dont know.
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I really love reading this. you can count on me to wait for your next journal >.<

Hello Lofi! I am happy to see that someone is interested in my med journal! I am sorry I cannot update on time due to being busy, but I will continue to send updates once in a while!

Journal #2 - Is this for me?

(note: I deleted the post because I wasn't done)

I thought I prepared enough. I thought I was smart enough. Everyone in the class knows what's going on...or are they just pretending too? I have no idea what they are talking about. My previous school did not have enough money to own a laboratory filled with laboratory apparatus so all these are new to me. All I know is the "beaker, graduated cylinder, and erlenmeyer flask" Fuck idk if I even spelled them correctly. what the fuck, there are so many apparatus to memorize. It seems the other students already used these before, is this the downside of living in a province? :( this is all new to me. I won't give up though. I have to catch up. I made a friend, she said hi and wanted to talk to me because she saw my fairy tail keychain, virgo's key. I am glad to see that there are otakus here! :D she seems like a nice person! I hope I can get better. When I go home later I need to start all my assignments, I am already loaded with so much assignments and projects and it still isn't the end of the first week. For some reasons, one of the teachers even asked us to make 30 paper boxes. It confused me how this is related to our course. Someone told me it's used for weighing powders. The names of our subjects are different from what I used to have in my highschool years. Pharmaceutical Inorganic Chemistry, Pharmaceutical Calculations, there's so much weird names. Those two are the ones I am having quite a trouble with. The things I studied in general chemistry during highschool, it was never complete because the teacher was too slow in teaching. The furthest we reached was Molality. My classmates told me that I am so dead. yeah, I can see. But I will not see this as a setback. I have to try harder than the others, I have to catch up. Rinerva, you want to be a doctor right? This is just pharmacy, you want more than pharmacy!
- R
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I know it's been a while since you posted but I wanted to say best of luck! I'm rooting for you!

I, myself am aiming to be a pharmacist and I know how tough it is to even get there. Good Luck from America! Fighting!!

You still have a long way to go before entering Med school (grad school) and through those years of struggle, you'll eventually doubt if it's still worth it or if you can still fight the challenges before entering Medicine school. Trust me, I've been there. But I wish you goodluck. I know how hard chemistry subjects are, most especially the major subjects in junior and senior years of college. I'm working as a Medical Laboratory Scientist btw :). Fighting and Goodluck! Study Hard so we can save more people!

Hi Thorns! Thank you so much! I am really glad to see that you are interested! I am back and I will continue posting :D thank you!!

Hello Mafumafu! yeah pharmacy is much tougher than I thought, it's a course filled with all my weaknesses! goodluck!! let's get through this together! What year are you?

Thank you so much Yuuri-Chan! I really can't wait to enter Medicine School! Thank you for giving me your insight, it motivates me :D I actually met someone who's premed course is Medical Laboratory Scientist or Medical Technology, I will mention him because we started as friends...to best friends...and now we're a couple? XD ikgdfijsdoi but he will be mentioned because he made a significant difference in my life! And yes you're right! We must study hard to save more people!!

THANK YOU ALL OF YOU for inspiring me to continue! I am glad to see that it does not bore you. We can all get through this! FIGHTING!!! :3

- R

Journal #3 - Friend..or foe?

It is weekend, I have some time to explain what's going on;
The friend who saw my keychain, which I will change her name into Diana, I don't know whether she is a friend or not. It's only been 3 days, and she seems to be picking on every flaw I have. Maybe it is just me? Earlier during the orientation at the auditorium, Diana sat next to me near the front. While the dean of our faculty started discussing the grading system, all about our benefits of being in the university, the use of the library, health service, and such; there was a certain word I did not know the meaning of. I simply asked Diana, "Hey, what does that mean?" and she told me "Seriously? You don't know? So much for a foreigner"
(Note: I forgot to mention, I am not from this country, I originally lived in another country, but my mother ran away and took us along to where I am right now. This happened on my 9th grade. I am biracial.)
I kind of felt offended because my level of "english" does not really matter whether I am a foreigner or not Diana. But I also thought, maybe I was just getting butthurt. Maybe I am too sensitive. I let it be.

As soon as that was over, we went back to the lab and after the class lecture, some of the students told us to stay. We started nominating for Class Officers. It was interesting watching how others nominate for class officers when they know so little of each other, I thought this only happens in highschool too. What shocked me was that there were so many categories for class officers, I thought it was just the "President, Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer" and that was it. What the hell is a P.R.O? A student told me that they were in charge of announcements, reminders of assignments and projects, public relations, relaying information and "controlling the crowd". Seems like the P.R.O holds such a huge responsibility. Then another category was mentioned "Muse and Escort". They still have that too? I have a bad history with being muse, I don't have the talents for that yet I kept getting nominated just because I am foreigner. Kinda unfair for the others. I got nominated again. Thankfully, this time, another girl got majority votes. It was 11, and mine was 10.

While I was packing my notebooks into my bag getting ready for my lunchbreak, Diana rushed to me. The first thing she told me, while rolling her eyes, "I did not put my hand up or voted you during the nomination for you because I knew you wouldn't want it."

wait, what? You think I care if you put your hand up or no? Why are you even telling me lol. "uh..ok..? Why are you telling me this" I replied. I am known in the class already for being blunt because of my "introduction". I came 2 hours late (I was lost, don't blame me this uni is huge compared to my small little cute high school). Because I got lost for 2 hours, when I finally arrived I was in a shitty mood. And then someone told me to introduce myself. I said "I'm Rinerva" and I was looking around for a seat. The person told me to stand up infront and introduce. I went up, everyone got quiet, I said "I'm Rinerva."
Getting ready to step down, they stopped me again, and asked where I was from, I said I was half this and half that. I finally took my seat. I just gave my real attitude to the class, it's up to them if they want to be my friend or not.

Anyway, back to the present, I was very weirded out at what Diana did. What do you want me to do with your information of "not putting your hand up when voting for me"? Did she think I noticed and got scared of finding out her intentions? Honestly I wasn't even looking at her during that time. Again. I let it be. I do not know her therefore I shouldn't judge her stuck-up attitude. I do not have time for drama Rinerva, you want to focus on your studies because you are so far away from "well". come on rinerva, no time for friendship issues!

- R
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Journal #4 - Fuck Laboratory Experiments

From what I noticed, compared to highschool, in college you do not have permanent classrooms so I have to keep walking and walking, searching for a spot to hang out and chill, sleep, or listen to music to. Just kidding, I found the most perfect spot, the library! I can study in advance there! I learned that studying in advance saves my ass a lot, just like a few days ago when I studied pharmaceutical calculations in advance. The teacher suddenly asked for a volunteer to solve a problem related to a topic that she has just introduced to us. I volunteered because I studied it in advance. Way to go!! I got extra points! Slowly slowly, I can make my way back up and stand with my feet. I am aware that I do not excel in math and solving, which is why I studied that specifically! Keep your enemies closer, right?

We had lab experiments in inorganic chemistry. It was...very weird. We had to identify whether the substance we were experimenting on were alkali metals (IA), or alkaline earth metals (IIA) from the periodic table. We kept adding random liquids that I have never heard of, and it sounds so scary. "Add 2M of HCl (hydrochloric acid) "Shake vigorously" "Observe a white crystalline precipitate" what the fuck is a precipitate. I never heard of these before. and Hydrochloric Acid? Acid? Acid? Acid? I never knew you can find an alkaline metal by adding acid?

We had 3 hours to do it, but we were already running out of time, there were still some students (me included) who weren't done finding out their assigned unknown substance. I ended up rushing and adding random shits while looking at the book "Add 50 drops of water fuck where is the distilled water" "let it stand for 15 minutes" No! I have no time left! I don't wanna fail, I'll make it 10 minutes! I rushed it all. My lab partner and I were doing things so quick but as I was placing my test tube into the centrifuge (used for separating immiscible mixtures in your test tube) I was just having a reflection with my life, wondering, "What the fuck is the use of this", running around and adding random shits and thinking "What happens after I find out it's IA or IIA?" If I become a pharmacist, am I gonna go to my customers and say "OH WATCH OUT THAT ACTUALLY CONTAINS FLUORIDE YES I DID AN EXPERIMENT AND GOT IT BY ADDING YADA YADA YOU SEE". Though, who knows, it might be useful to me one day.


Laboratory experiments are fun but so rushed. The practicals aren't as fun though, it is scary as fuck when you end up not identifying your unknown substance. It's either 100 or 0. I thought I got it correct once because when I observed my test tube, it had no precipitate and no color. It was just as clear as water. and from what I saw in my laboratory manual, it says that if my substance contains a black precipitate, then it is mercury. I thought "okay it would be so obvious if it was black, and this is very clear and I see no precipitate at all" and holy macaronni. The correct answer was mercury. I got 0 and I was so confused that I tried it again without my professor knowing (cause they wouldn't wanna waste chemicals on someone like me LOL) and when I finished, it was still clear....until, I saw a small little fucking tiny dot, tinier than a mole, so fucking tiny, and that was the black precipitate. WHAT THE FUCK?

I'll just have to do better next time, be more observant. The manual never mentioned the precipitate being the size of a fucking dot. I was sad the whole day.

- R
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Know it's been too long to say "a while" but hope everything's been manageable. Don't think you'll see this with how long it's been but just wanted to pop in to see how you're holding up. Per usual, best of luck and all that jazz.