When I'm sad and depressed my fav thing to do is jokes there amazing so put any kind of joke hear racial bias whatever as long as it's funny.

There was this guy who had a 21 inch dong. Now having it almost 2 feet long had chased away all the ladies, so one day he asks his friend, "Hey, is there any way I can shrink it?" his friend tells him "Go find a bullfrog, and ask him to marry you, if he says 'no', then it will shrink 3 inches" So he goes out and finds a bullfrog, and asks "Will you Marry Me?" the bullfrog said no, and *poof* it shrank 3 in., so he asked again, "will you marry me?" the bullfrog said no, and *poof* 3 more gone. After asking several more times, it was down to 12 in., and he wanted it to be an even 9. so he asked one more time, "will you marry me?" and the bullfrog said, "NO!NO!NO!NO! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT!" XD

Hahaha oh wow, that was a really good one!

How does every racist joke begin?

a woman asks a black guy "is it true what they say about black men" so he stabbed her and took her purse.

>>4 YES!!!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

theres 3 guys in a diner.
the first guy says to the others, "i have the smallest arm in the world!" the next guy then says "i think i have the smallest foot in the world!" the 3rd guy replies "i think i have the smallest dick in the world!"
to confirm their theories, they consult the guiness world record company. the first guy comes outof their office and says "i really do have the smallest arm!"
the 2nd guy comes out and says "i really do have the smallest foot in the world!" the last guy comes out, and says " crap! apparently i was beat by someone named justin bieber!"

Oh yay! I might as well post one every friday, cuz our skewl has this thing that they tell a joke on the intercom every friday. The ones i remember are these:

-What smells like red paint but is blue?

BLUE PAINT.

-How do you wake Lady Gaga up?

You set her alarm clock to a reasonable time

-Why do honeydews have such big weddings?

Because they canteloupe. (cant elope. L.O.L)

A man checks into a fancy hotel and asks the front desk, "Could you put the porn channel on disabled?" the front desk replies, "You sick pervert! we only have regular porn here!"

>>8 that's funny, they did the same joke at my school.

Ok here I go...

Two blondes walk into a building.

Don't you think one of them would've seen it?

One more for now.. And before I say this, I don't wish to offend anyone...

Why did the navy adopt liquid soap?

Because it's harder to pick up.

alright..............

there are two brunettes and a blonde on an island. they find a magic lamp an rub it. as expected, a genie comes out and grants each of them one wish. the first brunette wishes to be on a ship headed home. the second brunette wishes to be rich and back at home. the blonde, now alone, thinks really hard. she finally wishes that she had her friends back. they are still there on that tiny island...

>>12 I remember hearing that joke a long while ago.
>>8 I liked the Lady Gaga one lol

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits at the counter. The bartender looks at him and remarks, "you know, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper cocks his head, and replies, "you have a drink named Steve?"

>>13 Hey i'm not a grasshopper

>>10 Hahaha I really liked that.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who lies around by the door? Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who floats around in the harbor? Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who floats around in a hot tub? Stew.

What do you call two guys with no arms and legs who hang around by a window. Kurt and Rod (curtain rod).

A guy goes to get some Ranch for his salad out of the fridge. Upon opening the door, he's startled to hear the bottle say "Close the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?!"

How do you get a one-armed, Polish man out of a tree?

Wave~

A blond and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem, but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Two condoms were walking past a gay bar. One looks at the other and says... "You wanna go in and get shit faced?" 

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A thought.

how do you make a tissue dance?

-you put a little boogie in it! ahhh get it? get it? c(x

what do ya call 4 black guys pushing a Cadillac?

black power!

what do ya call a woman with one leg?

Ileane (i lean)

what do ya call her if shes Chinese?

Irene (i reeen)

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

fucked.....

whats worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

a dead baby nailed to three trees.

why are womans feet so short?

so they can stand closer to the sink....

why dont womans wear a watch?

clocks on the stove.....


assassins do it from behind.....


(this ones pretty bad..)

what do you call a bunch of old black guys standing in a field?

antique farm equipment.......

How many super saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
answer: Just one, but it takes at least 7 episodes!

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a dead baby, and a Porsch?

I don't have a Porsch in my garage.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs that's pinned on your wall?

Art.

This is kinda long...

A woman’s pregnant, and about to give birth. When she and her husband get to the hospital, the doctor says “We have this new machine that lets the father feel the same pain the mother feels. Do you wanna try it?” The husband shrugs and says, “Sure, OK.”

So, the wife starts going into labor, and the machine is turned up to 10% of her pain. The husband doesn’t feel anything, and tells the doctor. So the doc keeps turning it up higher and higher, and the husband never feels any pain, even at 100%. And now he’s convinced that women are just huge liars and whiners about the pain involved in giving birth.

So, the husband, wife, and new child go home. When they get there, they find the mailman dead on the front porch.

Lol I'm so glad I made this thread but I can't think of a good joke right now lol

>>27 xDDDDDDDDD djakltuioghjkzjkfldhjquioeasghnvbjkxhjkahujiauqioyghufdiahjdz....i found that particularly funny. o3o

Don't Be A Racist! Be Like Super Mario!
He's Italian
Created by Japanese
Speaks English
Looks like a Turkish guy
Sprints like a Jamaican
Jumps like a black guy
and Collects Coins Like A Jew!

What does a jewish girl do on a swing?
annoy a ss sniper

Dead baby jokes anyone?
http://dead-baby-joke.com/

>>32 oh man, that is so messed up...(its worse that i giggled a little)

>>33 It made me laugh my ass off //grins

>>32 they get worse as you read on...eeewwwhhh!

>>35 I know xD

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

what do you call a bunch of white guys running down a mountain?
AVALANCHE!

what do you call a bunch of black people running down a hil;?

MUDSLIDE!

what do you call a bunch of indians running down a hill

CASINO IN PROGRESS!

what do you call a bunch of asains and Mexicans running down a hill?

JAILBREAK!

(there a crappy pun for most races)

this one is messed up. XD

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

2 Cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

What's the difference between a dead baby in a bin and a Ferrari?

Guess which I don't have in my garage.

This is my favorite dumb blond joke (no offense meant to blonds)

A blond in a suv pulls over and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a grassy field. He shouts this to the other blond: "People like you are the reason other people call blonds stupid. If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

In Heaven, at the pearly gates, there's a line while St. Peter questions the dead. One soul he asked,
"What's your name and religion?" the man said "Goldburg, Jewish" St. Peter says "Go down the hall and into room 12, but be quiet when you pass room 8"
the next soul he asks the same, "Chang, buddist" "Go down the hall and into room 28, but be quiet when passing room 8"
then the next soul, "Roberts, Protestant" "Go down the hall and into room 10 but be quiet when you pass room 8" the soul stopped to ask, "St. Peter, I understand why there would be different rooms for different religions, but why do we have to be quiet when we go by room 8?" St. Peter replies, "Room 8 is were the Catholics are, and they think they're the only ones here."

A heavy set woman was doing a self-exam, when she felt a lump on her breast. Panicking, she goes straight to the hospital to have it checked out. Using the most advanced equipment, they have indeed found something in her breast, but couldn't identify it. They prep for surgery to remove it when the senior doctor asked the woman, "Could you lift your breast for a moment?" she did and a skittle fell out, the woman asked, "How did you know what it was?!" the doctor replied, "My fat-ass wife did the same with a turkey leg."

a man is walking down the road, he's tired and hungry. He's walking along when he comes upon this house with an old man sitting out front, he walks up to the old man and asks if he has any rooms to stay in. The old man says yes and he's welcome to them, he just jas one rule, dont lay with his daughter. seeing how the old man looked he was sure that wouldnt be a problem but that same day he saw the daughter and she was the hottest woman he ever saw. that night he slept with her, he woke up the next morning to find a small boulder on his chest with a message on it "i warned you, now you must suffer the three chinese torture tests, test 1: boulder on chest" the man laughed and picked up the small boulder and threw it out the window but as he did this he saw rope following the rock, it had a note "test 2:right nut tied to boulder" seeing this he jumped after it but as he jumped through the window he saw another note on the window "test 3:lest nut tied to bedpost."

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters, and they reached that age where they are able to date. Now the farmer, being protective of his daughters, lock them in their rooms, until he sees what type of men their dates are. So he waited for the first date with his shotgun, a man walks up and says,
"My name's Joe,
I'm here for Flo,
We're gonna catch a show,
Is she ready to go?"
the farmer looked at him and figured he was alright, so off the two went. Then the second date came up, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna eat some spaghetti. is she ready?"
The farmer thought that this one wasn't so bad either so he sends them off.
The third date comes up to the door, "Hi, My name's Chuck" and the farmer shot him!

A man is over at his friends house, and his friend asks him to fetch his slippers frome upstairs. The man goes upstairs, and his friends two teenage daughters are standing in the middle of the hallway. As it turns out, both the daughters were very attractive, and so the man decides to play a joke. He says,"hi, your father just sent me up here to have sex with you." they stare at him in disbelief and say,"he wouldn't do that!" the man then says," oh really?" then calls downstairs, " both of them?" and his friend calls up, "yeah!"

Taken from Eddie Murphy, If you cant say a dirty joke heres one:

-So a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, so the bear leans over to the rabbit and asks "Hey do you ever have problem with shit getting stuck to your fur?"
And the Rabbit says no

This may be offensive to those who are religious but gave me a laugh:

-So a priest, a child predator and a thief walk into a bar, and the bartender says

"Oh so youre alone again"
....so the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him

A father to be is in the waiting room at the hospital. After Hours of labor, the doctor finally call the father in, and to everyone's surprise, the baby just has a head! no neck, torso, arms or legs. So ignoring his defects, the couple take him home, and raise him as normally as they can. Finally, his 21st birthday arrives, and his father takes him to a bar for his first beer. He takes a sip and *POOF* A torso pops out. Astounded the father tell him to take another drink, and *Poof* he now had 2 arm, then agian *Poof* 2 legs. Excited to finally have arms and legs, he begins to run around the bar, then out the door, when he got hit by a truck. The bartender turns to the father and says "He should have quit while he was a head"

...this has been by far my most fave joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute. 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

>>50 this ones awesome!

Did you hear one about the dad who told his son, "If you don't quit masturbating, your gonna go blind"? he says "Dad I'm over here"

Why did the Koala fall off the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second one fall off the tree?

It was stapled to the first!

xDD

What the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the ends of its paws and one's a pause at the end of a clause!
Not very funny, but I like it.

Yo mama so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.

>>14 obviously. Your name is Ryan.>>30 you forgot that he speaks like an Italian. >>43 yes! Thank you! >>45 amazing. >>51 sweet, man.

>>56 Steve's name isn't Ryan...
and Mario is Italian >:I

2 jewish guys are visiting mexico, and everywhere they go, there's all christian churches. So they go into the bar and ask the bartender, "Say, are there any Mexican Jews?" the bartender goes into the back and comes back out, "No" Puzzled, they asked, "Why did you have to go in the back, all we asked was if there were any Mexican Jews" Sighing heavily, the bartender goes into the back once again and comes out, "we're all out", even more puzzled, they ask again and the bartender says, "Look, we have orange juice, apple juice, pineapple juice, but no mexican juice!"

A guy goes into an electronics store to buy a TV. Looking around, he notices they're all very nice, with large screens and very clear, vivid displays. Then, one of them catches his attention, so he goes over and starts looking at it. A customer sales rep comes up and asks, "Hi! Is there anything I can help you with?" With a puzzled look on his face he says, "Yeah. About this TV...why is it so loud? It's clearly the best one you've got, but it makes my ears hurt." "Oh," says the sales rep. "That's our high deafinition TV."

>>57 the name that the post is under clearly says "Ryan".
Asshat.

How rude. My ass is firmly attached to my backside and it has never made its way to the top of my head. Such accusations are as absurd as those you are making to Steve!

"Last night I dreamed I drank the world's biggest margarita. When I woke up the next morning there was salt on the toilet lid, thank god I didn't eat the worm"

Steve Jobs is at the pearly gates, and god tells him, "You know, I don't normally do this, but I'm going to let you choose to go to either heaven or hell." and he shows him heaven, with peaceful clouds, open fields, and soft music. Then he shows him hell, which is full of hot girls, strippers, and pornstars begging for sex. After thinking for a while, he says, "I'm sorry, but I would prefer to go to hell!" and so he is sent to hell. About a week later, god goes to check on Steve, and he is strapped to a torture device, while ugly demons brand his skin. "God! what happened to all the girls?!?" God then replies, "Oh, that was a screen saver!"

2 guys are driving through a desert and their car breaks down one said "Im going to take the water out of the radiator the other one saids "Im taking the door" and the other guy says why."just in case we get hot i can just roll down the window.

to drunk guys are in a bar, then a horse comes in he orders a beer he drinks it and leaves then one drunk guy tells the other drunk guy "you saw that he dirren't pay."

>>61 Hahaha I like how you change your name sometimes to fit the situation.

2 camels walk past a hooker. One turns to the other and says, "Hey that looks like MY toe"

The not so dumb blonde.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Kinda of long but worth it.

skipping grades
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Uhh

One day in the forest, 3 guys were hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "I will spare your life if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to shove all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one, but started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy walked up to the chief with 10 grapes. The chief then ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After 9 of the grapes, the man busted out laughing for no apparent reason and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asked the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only had one grape left to go!”

The second guy turns to him while laughing and says, "Because I saw the other guy coming with pineapples."

>>70 i remember this hahahahahhahahakjshfkjdsfsdmg

A group of terrorists capture 4 leaders from 4 countries. They are going to executed by firing squad.

The next day, each leader is lined up on a platform about to be shot. The leader of the terrorists yells "Ready! Aim!...."

The first leader yells "Tornado!'

The terrorists look away and the 1st leader hops the fence and runs away.

They line up a shot on the next leader. "Ready! Aim!..."

The second leader yells "Dust Storm!"

The terrorists look away and the second leader hops the fence and runs away.

The third leader does the same.

They finally get to the fourth leader. "Ready! Aim!..."

The fourth leader yells "Fire!"

ok ok i got one.........u guys probably wont get it but here i go......


So a seal walks into a club...


there you go, cruel comedy

>>73 Omg so sad. ;_;

>>73 Bwahahahahaha! I know it's mean, but man, that was great!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.


A neutron walks into a bar. He sits down and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you buddy, no charge."

Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here!"
Helium doesn't react.

>>77 pffff i giggled at that

>>77 lmao...

Some Limericks:
There once was a man from Madrass
whose balls were made of fine brass
But in stormy weather,
they'd clang together,
and sparks shot out of his ass!

There once was a lass from Kilkenny,
whose usual price was a penny,
for half of that sum,
you could finger her bum,
and have money left over for Denny’s.

Are anti-jokes allowed? Yes? Okay.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

super bump

this is sad so bump

bump

bump

I was wondering where this went.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

whats up with airline food?
thats right folks, i'll be here all week :P

Bumpin some less stupid threads.........

>>23 OVER 9000!

I've got a joke, but it's very cruel to your inner-child, or so I have been told, so you've warned!

A boy is sitting on Santa's lap. When the old man asks the boy what he wants for Christmas, the boy says that he wants to grow up. Santa thinks for a moment, then starts to remove his beard and hat. After finishing the deed, he then looks into the boy's eyes, "I don't exist" he says.

I have some more jokes, so if you want more, you can just ask! :D

Bump

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
One's a sick duck,... I forgot the rest, but your mothers a whore!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?


( This one still makes me giggle even if I've said it a million times. )

>>94 I'll use that one!! XDDDD

What do you call an Alligator in a vest?

An Investigator.

POKEMON JOKES! (Answers/punchline in full post)

1. Why shouldn't you let your Pokemon out of its Pokeball before you go to the bathroom?

2. What did the judge say when Skuntank entered the room?

3. What is a Pokemon fan's FAVORITE place to visit?

4. Man 1: Do you like Pokemon? | Man 2: Yes.

5. Why did the Torchic cross the road?






















1. It might Pikachu.

2. Oder in the court.

3. Paras.

4. Man 1: *starts poking Man 2* Eh, man. Let's play poke-a-mon!

5. It wanted to become KFC.

A teacher asks her class "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many birds are left?"
Billy raises his hand and says, "None, they all fly away after they hear the shot."
The teacher says, "The answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Billy says, "I have a question for you. There are 3 women on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately licking the side of her ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone, the third is biting the top of the ice cream." He pauses and asks "Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing says "Well, I suppose it's the one that's sucking on the cone."
Billy says, "The answer is the one with the wedding ring on...... but I like your thinking"

>>98 Ha! Very nice my friend. Very nice.

What's green and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?
A pool table.

Did you know that Hellen Keller had a play set?
Neither did she.

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thinly you slice 'em.

What has four legs and an arm?
A pit bull at a child's playground.

What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms, and an eye patch?
Names.

This one may have already been said but i'll say it again!
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
:Fo' Drizzle:
Yes. It has been said.

Lady gaga admitted that she does cocaine. not really surprising news. what is surprising? she snorts it off her penis. XD

>>102 What is this post I don't even.

>>102 God hates no one. But if Christians can get away with murdering and judging and still get into heaven then I'm pretty sure gay people can too.

> 102 lol WBC. They some crazy bitches.

Q: What did one terrorist say to the other terrorist before boarding their respective airplanes?
A: I slam, you slam, we all slam for Islam!

Q: What’s Al Qaida’s favorite football team?
A: The New York Jets

Hahahahahahaha I'm going to hell ಠ_ಠ

Two whales are swimming in the ocean, bored as hell, when the see a ship overhead, one whale says to the other, "say, you know what would be funny? If we swim up to that boat and use our blow holes to flip it over." the other whale says "Sure, that sounds like a good laugh." So they use their blow holes to flip over the boat, and swim back to the ocean floor, laughing, "Say, you know what would be funnier, if we eat a few of them now!" the other whale looks at him and says, "Look, I'm all for a good blow job, but I refuse to swallow any sea men."

Q:Knock knock!
A:Come in ಠ_ಠ

(Doctor Who joke ahead!)
person 1: KNOCK KNOCK.
person 2: Who's there?
person 1: Doctor
person 2: Doctor who?
person 1: Exactly!

(Homestuck joke~)
What's the difference between Eridan and an onion?
People cry when you cut onions in half.

"At first, I thought Hawkeye wasn't a a real superhero.

Then I took an arrow to the knee."

>>109 Ha!

>>110 D': .... PFFFFBWHAHA XD ok i love thet one

Q: Why is it a bad idea to play poker in the jungle?

A: Because there's a whole bunch of cheetahs!

Knock knock.

Whos there?

Boo.

Boo who?

YOU KNOW IF YOU START CRYING ON ME I GUESS I CAN'T TELL YOU! :3

A joke from a friend-

Q-What did the Nazi Officer get for his son on Christmas?

A-An Easy-Bake Oven and a G.I. Jew

>>116 PFT.

I love Holocaust jokes. My friends hate them >o< I know it was horrible (obviously), but you really just have to move on. You weren't there, and you have no right to be offended by Holocaust jokes. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the moments in the time you're actually in.

>>116

I did Nazi that coming..

>>117

So if they had family who died during those times, because they weren't there and it happened many years ago, makes them not allowed to be pissed when they hear a joke, that brings up that someone in their family died?

i think that people should just chill about racial jokes and not give a damn
i mean unless the person is a true racist why be a prick and be offended?

oh and joke my friend is telling me to type:
what's the difference between a boyscout and a jew?

boyscouts come back from camp ^v^

>>116 I can Nazi it...

bio class
what do you get when you mix a bulldog with a shitzu?

Bullshitz...

>>117 Okay, then You'll love this joke!
I tied your great grandmother to a chair and bashed her teeth in with a bat, then violated her with a power-drill, while I made her watch as I slowly tortured and killed all of her pets! She cries out in agony "why you do this?",
I reply, "Because it's a holocaust joke!"

You can find jokes funny, but don't think certain people aren't allowed to be offended, jackass

The holocaust is a touchy subject for me. I'm not even going to get into it.

Here's a cat joke.

What is the toughest cat?

The Ali-cat.

>>127 :3

>>126 You're completely right. Anne frankly, I don't think anyone should joke about it.
(Sorry, I had to do it.)

While >>125's misery and butthurt is a sweet, sweet nectar that makes me feel lovely, I agree.

>>129 should quit stalin and move on to the broader topic of WWII in general!

:V

What does a cat like to eat on hot summer days, such as this?

A micecream cone.

>>119 No. I have plenty of family members who died during that time considering half my goddamn family came from Poland. But am I complaining about Holocaust jokes and saying they're horrible things and everyone who makes them should go die for "making light of a tragic historical event"? No. I have never been offended, even back when I was (shut up; even I had this phase) overly sensitive.

>>125 It's not a joke if it's not funny, jackass.

You guys have obviously never heard yourselves complain. I'm on the receiving end of people complaining about Hitler and Stalin jokes 24/7. It gets old. If you saw your mother tortured to death, I could understand being offended. However, you need to get over these things considering you weren't even alive when they happened. They don't have any major effect on you now unless your mother force fed you pictures of people being killed during the Holocaust since you were born.

Just because you're Jewish or your family was killed doesn't mean you can go around riding some high goddamn horse condeming everyone who makes a joke about the past.

bumping much...

>>133
Hey Baba, did you hear about the cat who ate a whole ball of yarn? She had...mittens.

history class
China has a birth rate of 12.29 births/1,000 population (2011 est.)
Japan has a birth rate of 7.31 births/1,000 population (2011 est.)
Philippines has a birth rate of 25.34 births/1,000 population (2011 est.) Do you know why?

It's because Japan and China stops at two. The Philippines stops at four....
.... in the morning.

>>2 I feel sorry for that dude!! LMAO!!

>>135 PFT.
Yes, I have heard that one /o/

>>138 /o/

If you have 4 ice cubes on one hand and 8 oranges in the other, how many pancakes can you fit to the roof?

Purple, because Godzilla hates diary.

>>140 you mean dairy?

Bad and old, but who cares:

How does one know if an Asian woman is pregnant? Simply stick an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she's pregnant.

how do 5 gay guys roll?

in one direction!!!!

How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3. 1 to create a billion dollar company to build a light bulb. 1 to tank the company. And Bill Clinton to explain that we inherited the old light bulb and nothing in the last four years could have changed it

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

A one-armed idiot is hanging from a tree branch. How do you get him down?

Wave at him.

Why do black people run away from chainsaws?

Because they go "Run nigga nigga nigga!"*

*Vroomngngngng sound like that. That's all

wanna hear a dirty joke?
mud
wanna hear a clean joke?
bath

bump

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary code and those who don't.

Wouldn't that be 2 people instead of 10?

>>151 Please don't let Name outsmart you. Please.

>>151 You are obviously one of the ones who do not.

Awww....

>>154 Not gonna lie, Name got you good there.

What do you call a necromancer's cookbook?

Necro-omnomnomicon

bump

Saint Peter is at the pearly gates, letting people through,
Along comes this one fellow and Saint Peter tells him. "There's a new policy, I can only let you in if you died from extreme stress."
The man looks at him and says, "Well, my death was stressful. For the longest time, I suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so one day, I came home early, and sure enough, there she was naked on the couch. So I get angry and start looking for the guy she was with. I went out to the balcony and there he was, hanging off the ledge by his fingers, naked. So I stomp on his fingers and he falls, but the bushes break his fall, so, in my rage, I shoved the refrigerator off the balcony and it landed on him. All that stress gave me a heart attack!"
Saint peter says, "Wow, that is stressful, you can go in." A while later, another man comes up and he asks how he died.
"Well, I was taking a shower in my apartment, and as I stepped out, I slipped on my son's skate, and flew out the window! I was able to latch on to this balcony on the floor below me, but when I looked up, there was this crazy guy just yelling and stomping on my fingers. Well, then I fell, but the bushes broke my fall, but when I looked up, a fridge landed on me!"
Hearing this, St. Peter lets him in. After a while a third man comes up, "How did you die?" he asks

"Well, I was with my girlfriend but then her husband comes home early, so I had to hide in this refrigerator......"

bump

A bar regular walks in and orders a soda. The Bartender asks him why he's not getting his usual shot. The man replies "I quit drinking! last night I got so hammered, I blew chunks"
The bartender says "That's not that bad, almost everyone pukes after drinking too much"
the man says "No, you don' understand, Chunks is my dog!"

>>159 hahaha....

>>161 You goofed.

...::...

ke$ha in the rye.

Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant!

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Whoever invented the knock knock joke deserves a no bell prize.

What's Atheism? A non-prophet organization.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Mummies are bound to be uptight.

Sleeping comes so naturally I could do it with my eyes closed!

A hole has been found at the nudist camp. Police are looking into it.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.

What do you call a necromancer's cookbook? A necro-omnomnomicon.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Tommy played in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? Tommy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

I'm so sorry.

I LOVE YOU

Everbdoy Loves Raymond Bradbury

Your mom's so fat that if you inputted "console.log(your mom > the universe);" it would be read as true.

So I'm learning JavaScript and I keep wanting to say things in code.

----

>>169

Small correction.

console.log(your_mom.length > the_universe.length);

Otherwise it means my mother is greater than the universe. That sound pretty ballin' to me.

>>171 Oh, thanks. I only know like 2 things about JavaScript still lol

>>172 I'm also just starting. What teacher do you use?

Just gonna casually spam some pick up lines here:

"You remind me of a Twinkie. Every time I bite into you, you cream in my mouth."

"I'm afraid of underwear; you should take yours off."

"Hey baby. It's massive. You know what I'm talking about."

"You had me at 'Hello World.'"

"Want to see my HARD Disk? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."

"You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime."

"If you're feeling down, I can feel you up."

"Baby I'd let you feel the love tonight if you just hakkunah ma tatas."

"You're like a burger; you can be the meet between my buns."

>>174 "You had me at 'Hello World'."

"Want to see my HARD Disk? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."

/thread

So a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
They all fall down and decide, after such an accident, a good drink is what they need so they go down to the local brew pub.
They enter and take their seats, order their drinks and wait at a table close to the door.

All of a sudden, a horse walks in.
The bartender, surprised to see a hores in a brew pub, ask, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

To his astonishment the horse looks at him and replies, "I just found out that I have cancer."

"Holy shit, a talking horse." The bartender yells.

The rabbi looks over to his drinking pals, "Hey what is this? Some kind of a joke?"

>>176
10/10 /o/

there ain't no time for stalin when you're russian to industrialize

i'm so funny, i know c:

>>178 Yes, yes this is good.

i once entered 10 puns into a contest in hopes that i'd win something.
unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

>>180 :)o u

>>180 10/10

Food for bad dogs is bought by the Pound.

I'm like a hexagon.
All my hecks are gone.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.




Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

>>185
made me lol... a dark evil lol, but a lol

I don't know how many people have heard this one but I'll say it anyway.

When's a door not a door?
When it's ajar XD

^

Please use this thread instead of the duplicate below.

What's the difference between light and you?

One's bright and the other isn't

guy 1: hey dude,I want my gf to have sex with me,any tips?
guy 2: you should try something romantic,like poetry

they meet up the next day, guy 1 has a black eye...
guy2: what happened
guy1: I did what you said, I told her poetry
guy2: WTF did you say?
guy1:
" Redhead readhead, eyes like a frog,
bend over bitch,let's do it like the dog! "

I couldn't think of anything else but nsfw jokes so heres another one...

Q:what did cinderella say when she got to the ball?





A: *choke

Wanna hear a cat joke??

...


Just kitten!

Why was the mushroom always invited to parties?

...

Because he was a fun guy (fungi)!

I'm so punny XD

What do you call a fake noodle?

...

An Im-pasta! Fufufu.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Women's rights.

You got to hand it to short people...

Because they can't reach.

Hahaha, oh gods this gets me everytime.

>>200 I felt so insulted.

>>203 classic.

So the other day I held the door open for this Asian guy as I left the grocery store. In response to me he said "sank you!" So I punched him in the face. Could not believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that....

!Warning! This joke is awful, and is not for those without a dark sense of humor.

What do you call a lonely five year old?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Haha! That joke never gets old. Kind of like the Sandy Hook victims.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep now...

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We're both lawyers"

Bump

How does a mathematician get rid of constipation?
He works it out with a pencil
*badum crash*

Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?

Because she had bright students!

>>210 Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?
Because she was totally hungover.

Two men walk into a bar. The first man said to the bartender, "I'll have H2O." the second man said, "I'll have H2O too."

The second man died.

I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but na.
Kill me now.

>>213 i would tell you a chemistry joke but i wouldn't get a reaction (^:

I don't trust atoms. I e heard they make up everything...

>>213 - >>215 *shoots self*

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'


^god dayum.....

>>213
Want me to make a potassium joke? K

What did the croissant say to the baguette?
"Are you bready?"

>>218 No more bread jokes.
Otherwise you're toast.
._.

>>219 Oh? But I knead to tell good bread jokes!

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones!!!... Ba Dum Tsss

>>221 I think you mean, "Ba Dum Crash"

>>218>>219>>220 A mans bakery shop burnt down the other day. His business is now toast :D

>>223 Stop buttering me up with all these bad bread puns, I'm already toasted from laughing at the Sandy Hook ones.

A gay atheist vegan walks into a bar. I know this because he told everyone there in five minutes.

Here is the best knock knock joke ever told...

"Who's there...?"

Knock knock
Who's there
Rem
Rem who?
(Re:zero referance)

Why was six afraid of seven?

Seven was a registered six offender.

Remember kids! you can tune a piano, but why would you if the wire makes a good weppon?