Alright, I don't really know why I'm even typing this, I don't think I have the courage to talk about my issues so I guess this post is one last attempt at doing so, apologies if it's a long read and if there's any english mistakes as it is not my native tongue. Also apologies if this is a clusterfuck of thoughts, I struggle to make sense of them.

I'll try to use this thread to make sense of my thoughts one way or the other as time goes on.

Also, fair Trigger Warning, I'll mention rape, sexual agression and other topics such as suicide

I'm 25, from France and my whole life is on the internet. I grew up very introverted and didn't have much friends as a kid, spending more time on the internet than in "real life"
When I was 7 I was sexually assaulted on the way back from school by a pedophile, which I would say marked the moment my struggles started.
Started gaining lots of weight, I suspect as a coping mechanism, and never really could leave that toxic behaviour with myself.
Also, a bit later for a while I was forced to do intercourse with a family member, a secret I have told no one and don't plan to.
I managed to hang on, so far I did nothing 'wrong' to anyone, I knew I didn't deserve such things and I knew it wasn't my fault, so even if I was struggling with my weight and was blaming this for it, but deep down I was feeling like a normal, not so bad human being.

Now, fast forward when I go from Middle School to High School, I met my soon to be best friend on Garry's Mod, I was 16 and he was 21 and I fell literally "platonically" (I.E friendly/brotherly love) in love with that person, and we started to make quite a big friend group over the games Garrys Mod, Battlefield 4 and DayZ back then.

A few years later, I was 18 and had my very first breakup/heartbreak, which messed me up bad (not to blame my ex, she didn't do anything bad, distance made it happen and I am today in a new relationship since 2 years that is absolutely amazing)
After that first heartbreak, I started to crave attention and be desperate, not seeing the real worth of my friends (I deeply loved them and still do, just didn't realise how much until later on after I lost them all)

A couple of years later, it was 2019 or so (I was 20/21 yo
around then), when my best friend broke up with his ex

I naively said I could be talked to if he needed help, and he said his ex did so I told her she could talk to me

But my bitch ass, craving attention, started feeling things for her and she claimed she did too, my friend noticed before I could tell him and he (rightfully) cease ties with me, something my whole friendgroup did because they were dissappointed and I totally understand that

It's been 4/5 years and I'm still eaten alive by the guilt, I tried to contact him multiple time since then but he never answered. I made new friends from a totally different place, also have a beautiful girlfriend but I can't help but think about him and my other friends to this day

To this day I feel like some sick monster who didn't realise how much his friends mattered to him, betrayed them and lost them all, they were my only real family, the only people I was fully myself with, the people who helped me grow up back then

I fucking hate myself for it, it's all my fault and I would kill to be able to go back and change that, every single day I think about them, I very often find myself watching our old videos on youtube and hear us all laugh together and I feel miserable, I'm typing this crying like a fucking idiot even though I'm supposed to be a grown ass man and it's been almost 5 years now

I don't know what to do, I never had the chance to simply apologize for all I did, I thought of making the big jump multiple times but never had the balls to do it, I found myself hoping some surgery I had to do would turn bad so that it could be over, I feel terrible

So now I'm sitting here, 25, on a sunday night, thinking about all of this and I realize that it is easier for me to forgive the people who sexually assaulted me in the past than to forgive myself

the only good thing that this story made is that I now know the price of being selfish and to forget that I should treasure the people around me because I could mess something up and lose them too

Sorry for that mess of thoughts, I'm not doing very good ahah, though I try my best and I will not give up for the sake of my girlfriend and the very few people who can bare my presence in their life

It's just hard, I wish I could talk to you one last time to tell you how sorry I am Eric