Hello everyone,

I need some advice and I need it quick. I mean it really isn't that much of an emergency but I am facing the people that this includes tomorrow and i don't really know how to handle the situation

TW: mentions of death and suicide, toxicity in general.




TLDR: after the death of my friend, two of my other friends got on bad terms because of it and after 6 months they have "made up" but during that Convo they started saying bad things about me and I don't know if I should cut them out or not.

I'll try and tell this story in a way that's as easy to follow along as possible, it's a bit complicated and I am sorry for any confusion.

Earlier this year, some of you if you visit this app regularly may have seen a post I posted about a good friend of mine passing. This happened around 6 months ago. I love him a lot and miss him but that's besides the point, sorry getting sidetracked. We will call my friend who passed "Jack". His best friend who we will call "Gabe" has been talking to me for about 3 years and the three of us got a long well. Me and Gabe have been through a lot together regarding whatever this is we have between us, I regard it as a friendship but he has liked me on and off for the past few years and has told me so. I have told him that I don't have feelings for him but he still talks to me, again sorry getting sidetracked. We are pretty good friends besides this. After our friend passed, one of my other friends "Tera", let's call her, got in a fight with Gabe because she sent him a theory about how she thinks the cause of death was suicide way too soon, like 3 days after he died. I understand where Gabe is coming from and completely support his decision to not talk to her, however Tera is one of my best friends and the last thing I needed at that point was to lose more friends with everything that was going on. I'll tell you a bit about them so you get an idea about their character (though it may be a bit biased due to anger):

About Tera: blunt, very very smart, true to herself. She has a very strong moral code, although it is a bit twisted and strange which she uses to exscuse her behavior. She has this moral code with everything she does and judges everyone with it. Including me. She has a thing about "telling the truth" and trust. Very strict with these things even with herself. Although the moral code she has is twisted, she does have some damn good backing for it which she critically evaluates very well.

Gabe: a lot of heart. Very sensitive, very immature, he requires a lot of patience when he's angry. He holds a lot of grudges. Doesn't have any critical thinking and is very emotionally driven. Very self focused and has a bad habit of "testing" his friends, including me, to see if they are real and care or not. They are really back handed and set you up for failure from the start if your not totally obsessed with him and how he feels. For example, a couple of days ago he got mad at me for not texting him when we got home from school and asking how he was feeling when he said that he was obviously ignoring him and was upset. I know I shouldn't be defensive which I know I have a bad habit of but I was having a really bad day as a bombed 3 tests and my first thought wasn't to text him after that. He does this a lot and scolds me for not texting him while he never asks me how I feel. He was like this even before Jack's death. I've told him very patiently that we have to work on his communication.

Me: anxious, paranoid, heartless according to them. I am socially dependant and I am aware of this, this is because of how I was raised which is another story, Tera and Gabe know this. In addition, you know how mothers will tell their daughter to be kind and sweet? Well, mine coming from a very competitive background and having to fight for her place in her career, society and respect would tell me "be a bitch. Take what you want and if someone doesn't respect you leave them. You come first, don't be a crutch and help those who are not worthy walk." Amen. I have lived my life by those words and have been living peacefully without toxicity by being able to recognize when someone is not worth my time and calmly letting them go. Though sometimes admittedly it is difficult to be completely stoic towards those around me and I have worked on it, though I have learned the hard way what it's like to be a crutch for someone and let them do what they want. My friends know that I tend not to be very forgiving and I think this may have had the subconscious effect on them to make me feel bad about being "heartless" as they call it to have me apologize to them about small things like not telling them about what happened during a class they missed or other small things like this. It hurts being called heartless but I don't want to give them the satisfaction in knowing that as I still respect myself and I won't let them know I am letting them get to me. I also refuse to stoop down to their level and get mad for them or be backhanded. I won't be petty. I may be many things but I'm not a hypocrite. So I guess this makes me patient as well.

POST CONTINUES HERE: Now back to the issue. Because the depression of losing his best friend hit him so hard he doesn't remember anything from before Christmas and I have been trying to be patient and kind to him as much as possible for him to feel better. However, I still have boundaries and I don't want to parent a person who is almost an adult, I just don't have the time. Exams are coming and they are coming real soon. I can't be coaxing him into feeling better everytime something is wrong, especially because this kind of affection is one sided. He has stated he doesn't care about anyone and how they feel except for himself right now, and couldn't really care less how I feel. This was right after an argument a month ago so I don't know if he meant it or remembers saying it. I'll give him benefit of the doubt. Usually I'd be firm and clear about this to him but he's so sensitive he gets triggered by everything, including boundaries, and shuts down and starts arguments. It's exhausting.

Anyway, he doesn't remember why he was mad at Tera because of the memory loss and he tells me not to remind him as it will just make him depressed again, which I fully respect. As a result, he has apologized to Tera as he sort of cussed her out and said a lot of shitty things to her after her telling him this. Tera is very blunt and isn't emotionally oriented so this kind of thing happens often and she doesn't understand what is wrong because she doesn't understand emotions. So they get to talking and then the conversation switches to Gabe trying to make her feel bad about making him depressed and making it worse, after telling him this he kept on having dreams about all the different ways Jack could've killed himself. I have had these too but I haven't shared them with him I don't think he'd care or it would be fair of me. AGAIN, getting sidetracked, sorry, a lot has happened and I haven't had anyone to talk to about it. Then they start talking about me and Tera starts talking about how me and Gabe's relationship is one sided and toxic, and that she thinks I am heartless and I wouldn't care if he stopped talking to me. I have told Tera about my philosophy on people that I mentioned above and she also knows that I've been stressed with all the arguments. I mean she's not wrong about the one sided thing. But if he'd stop talking to me and he did something stupid, you know what I mean, I wouldn't forgive myself. I think I might be his only outlet yet then again, of he's being manipulative and just wants me to suck up to him and be a sweet cute thing to comfort him I don't want to and I want to leave.

I'm exhausted and I am mad at Tera for talking about me behind my back and reinforcing the idea that I am heartless, and then Gabe getting mad at me for it and me standing up for myself and him telling me "hm. Tera was right". It's not fair I go out of my comfort zone so much for him and he stresses me out and I treat Tera so well and I try to be a good friend and listen, and I work on things they tell me bother them. But they just don't do the same and weaponize the guilt I have and my love for them.

The other problem is that I will see them tomorrow and Tera doesn't know I know what she said about me, and I'd rather just clear things up with both of them right away but Gabe said "don't even dare say I told you about this to Tera". I am livid but at the same time exhausted and I really just don't want to lose another friend but at the same time I'm so tired of breaking my back for them. I'm kind of running out of patience and I don't know where or if it is appropriate for me to draw a limit. What should I do tomorrow? Should I just go along with it and respect what Gabe said and pretend like I don't know? Or should I confront them and possibly ruin my friendships?

u kinda ramble alot hm? and im not sure wht u want me to say to that...

That's why there is a TLDR at the beginning, I know I ramble a lot :), what I am asking is should I cut them off or not?

well if they talk shit about you for a while, that not gonna end well

Has our situation changed in any way since your post, Kaila?

Hi! Thx for the responses, it has changed slightly. Gabe made me feel really bad so I apologized, again and again, which he does often, I think he likes to make me feel bad, and then things seemed alr but he isn't really talking to me as much anymore, and whenever he does he keeps on mentioning Jack's girlfriend who he became very good friends with after he died and how he loves hanging out with them. As for Tera, I've gotten her side of the story and she says that Gabe kept on rambling about me and she said that our friendship seemed toxic so she told him if he hates it so much just to stop talking to me. I think I should believe her? She said that she doesn't think I am heartless and she doesn't believe I can be mean to anyone, so maybe I'm biased because of that. So I guess he is slowly cutting me out or waiting for me to confront it. Should I? I'm not sure how to feel about this it all happened so quickly.

well its a do/or/die moment like nothing is gonna happen if either side do a movement

For sometime you should leave and live your life. You've been entangled with whatever you've going on right now. Firstly you've told us what was going on with them and what they've been doing but I want to know your contribution in this. I want to know specifically what relation you had with them around the time of death and what was the cause of their death. If they're not liking you, there must be a good reason for them to hate you. Friends usually don't hate each other, specially with those people you've been friends with for a long time. Let me follow up with your position in among them, around the time of their death and also know and by any chance do you have any close relationship with any of their girlfriend. just asking, does anyone text you more than they should?