So I've stayed at my bf's house for quite some time before the pandemic, and I'm staying here again after pandemic restrictions have loosened. They have this live-in housekeeper who was pretty nice pre-pandemic. Well, that was pre-pandemic. Things seemed to have changed now.

She's been shouting a lot recently and getting mad for the smallest reasons. Heck, she was no. 1 against bf staying at a room-share kind of accommodation for academic purposes, saying that his room mates are out to stab him in his sleep. The people who would be his room mates are university students who do nothing but studying and keeping their grades high since they're all scholarship students. I used to stay at a similar kind of setup, and she'd nag me that my room mates are not nice people blah blah (my room mates are very chill). She'd also nag about my and bf's transportation when we go to university. We like taking different routes and it pretty much depends on how early we need to be there. But she'd always nag us and tell us what to do, even though she really doesn't go outside so she doesn't know about the different transportation routes. She'd also shout a lot, as in A LOT, especially during times me and bf are studying. She'd get mad when I wash the dishes sometimes because bf cooked our meal (I know basic housekeeping since my family doesn't have nor want a housekeeper. We've had some issues with housekeepers in the past so my mom doesn't like having one), when I ask bf to help me clean our shoes, and even when bf and I are eating in the middle of the night. She'd also complain about the food I cook for bf (when we eat, it's just us. We don't eat together with his brother, father, and the housekeeper since he doesn't want to). Tried making sweets once and she was all about how it had eggs and that she can't eat eggs. And when we ignore her shouting (since it's mostly her watching something on the internet and she shouts her thoughts/opinion on how stupid other people can be), she turns to bf's dogs. I might be sounding crazy now, but yooooo, that's verbal abuse to the dogs. She's also like this to the stray cats she feeds every night. AND IT'S LIKE THIS EVERYDAY. She'd shout at the dogs (shih tzus) when they energetically welcomes us back home (they jump and so on but it's nothing compared to being jumped by a German shepherd). There wasn't a day I didn't hear her raise her voice; she's always mad about something.

Moreover, she gets mad at me and bf when we wear earphones at home and ignore her, even when it's us watching recorded lectures or studying. Seriously, it's been a bother but I know it's not my place to rant, much less to say this out loud since I'm just an over-staying visitor. But what irritates me most recently is that she's only like this to my bf. She's never like this to my bf's brother. Like when bf's brother starts getting irritated at her noise, she starts to shut up. IMMEDIATELY. And then just murmurs whatnot but doesn't raise her voice for the rest of the day. It's seriously been demotivating staying here, with the toxic environment. I'm just more or less extending my visits sometimes because the place is so toxic and I'm worried about bf's well being (he was diagnosed with depression a few years ago so I want to check on him very often). Bf's eldest brother planned to take him so they can live together away from the house but bf can't just move out due to family matters.

I've talked to bf about this, and to be honest, it's also making it hard for me to make visits because of the toxicity. I can't take it anymore. And it makes me feel very miserable knowing that bf has been living in this kind of household for so many years. I don't think they can just fire the housekeeper since she's been here even before bf was born. And to be fair, she's been a great help housekeeping-wise so it's very highly unlikely that they'd dismiss her. Bf just ignores her nonsense most of the time, and when I try to talk about this to bf, he'd just tell me he doesn't want to talk since it's making him feel bad so we try to avoid this topic. It's sometimes tolerable but there are times it gets too much. His family never said anything, but at this point now, I feel like I'm not welcome in the household.

She's not even my housekeeper but still. She's not even tsundere. I'm sounding soooooo veryyyyy entitled right now because it's not even my house but I really feel bad that bf stays in a place like this. I've discussed with him that I'd like to live together once we graduate and he's fine with it, but he says it might take a while longer since there're family matters he needs to address first. I don't want to make this an excuse but it's also been affecting my academic performance. I'd like to focus on myself in the meantime but it feels like I'll be abandoning bf now that I know he lives in this kind of environment.

Oh man, this seems like a super stressful situation for both you and your boyfriend! Especially since it’s to the point of affecting your academics. How far are you both from graduation? It may be that you would benefit from dates and time together in different environments- library, cafe, your own living area, etc. This housekeeper situation doesn’t seem like one with an easy solution :( Even if you have to meet with your boyfriend outside of his house, please remember to focus on your studies! And it’s always okay to take some days just for yourself.

If things go well, bf will be graduating this year. I decided to pursue a master's degree so I will be staying in school for another 2 years (or just 1.5 if I became motivated enough but I'm very demotivated by all this recently). As much as we'd like to meet outside and away from his home, it's very hard for him to leave the house for non-academic purposes. His housekeeper nags him A LOT when he's leaving the house for just whatever reason that doesn't have to do with school. If we go to a cafe or library, she will say something that if it's just studying, he can just stay home. And she'll go on and on until he steps out of their gates. I stay in an all-girls kind of dormitory where visitors aren't allowed (even family lol), and I can't just move out of that because the places in that area are about 2-3 times more expensive (plus the utility bills). He also worries a lot about his dogs. That's why I visit often to check on him. When it gets really bad, we go to univ and stay at the lab (cleaning glassware kinda helps as a distraction) but he'd still have to go home. He can't stay away overnight for whatever reason because not only his housekeeper but his whole family flips their shit. And as much as I'd like to say not to mind them, he takes his family's words kinda hard.

The only way I can think of to solve this problem is to just leave the house and cut all ties with his family, which is difficult because times are hard right now. It'd also take a year or two before we can finally get a place and live together because I chose to pursue a master's degree. (Side note: I asked him about my master's and he said it's fine because it's what I really want. He said it's sad we can't do it together but he wants me to be able to do what I want for myself, and not just what I want for us. I asked him if he also wants to pursue higher education and he said yes, but for now, he wants to graduate and work so he'll be able to afford a place. Graduating, working, and leaving the house is his priority. Higher education can wait.)