I'm just writing to vent, I can't bootle this up forever, I already almost let it slip. Don't feel obligated to read or respond.

So my single parent died and I've had to adjust to life. It's been over a year as of writing so don't feel sorry for me. This all happened right as I entered adulthood and I blame myself for their death.

None of that is my inner struggle. You see I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself, have a phone that had service, spend money on anything I wanted or watch everything I wanted. They had a lot of control over my life and I'm not here to say that stuff was a bad thing. They wouldn't let me watch shows I wanted because they watched those shows and I have a tendency to spoil things and get too invested. Meanwhile they brought things I wanted within reason and I always got things I really wanted. Also I've never gone anywhere by myself in my life even now so that doesn't matter. See, not as bad as it first sounded.

Now that they're dead I'm able to buy literally anything I want and yes I'm managing my money well. Now I'm able to watch whatever I want and I don't have to watch my language or always try to act like a great offspring. The truth is I wouldn't have half the stuff I have right now or have found so many passions of mine without their death. I've always felt more free, like I finally can spread my wings.

That's my inner struggle. Those thoughts society has taught me are wrong. By no means am I glad they are dead, I cried for months, but now I'm happier than ever. It's a terrible sick joke called reality.

If my parent were alive I wouldn't have any of this. I couldn't simply move out on my own. My family and personal circumstances didn't allow for that. There are zero possibilities I'd have all the stuff I have now or seen all the shows I did. Compared to a human life material goods are making me happier. My parent didn't believe in internet shopping and now I do all my shopping online. Again, by no means did I want them dead or I'm glad of the fact that they're dead but as a byproduct of their death I feel I've discovered a great amount of happiness. I always believed a parent should die before their child, just not when the child is so young. The fact that I feel that I'm better off now than before makes me feel a but evil. I accept that I'm flawed and tainted and the only way to try and make up for this is to live a happy life. Writing this all out helped me. I don't expect anyone to care or respond, I'm just venting to get my thoughts off my chest.

Hello, I don't think you're a bad person for being happy with the life you have now. You can still be sad about your parent's death while making choices different from their's. Life changes and you're also allowed to change. You're allowed to be happy; that's a good thing! Your life is your own, so don't feel guilty about making your own choices.