Hi everyone, I don't really know how to start this other than saying I have always, always craved normalcy. To be normal. Just enough not to stick out.

Also sorry everyone this is me ranting I've had no one to talk to because my family makes me feel like I'm crazy™, and being in the same room as them for too long makes be super uncomfortable. Also, and due to overprotective family and past trauma I cant talk to my friends over text bc I have a fear that my phone will be checked periodically. Which is justified for anyone wondering, happens pretty often.

I am writing this because my parents and cousin tried to make a joke about me Infront of me earlier today, which sounded more like an insult than anything, and I asked for them to elaborate but they just kept on saying "it's just a joke". I can't really talk back bc I think I will get hurt than I already I am. Idk man I'm stressed so here it is.

I'd be very happy to hear any comment or take on the situation :)

ANYWAY:

Why is this? Honestly, take a pick. Werid childhood that gave me trauma? Mental illness? Constantly moving? All of the above. Let's start with the childhood thing. I had a very abnormal early life. My parents were both foreign and the beliefs from the country they came from and the one we lived in was very different. My mom made this apparent to me at a very young age by telling me things like "your friends are going to forget about you, they don't really like you. They are all temporary", "I wish we were back in *home country* where you can be taught your roots and see what life is really about", and most importantly, "don't trust anybody, you can only trust me. Tell me everything that goes on in your head". Now- to be fair, my mom was right about the whole temporary friends thing, nobody had cares enough to stay in touch with me, and I also know she was trying to look out for me. Did this knowledge make these comments hurt any less? Not really. This resulted in me being very lonely and develeping a social lack.

One thing my mom did when I was growing up to make sure I was a good child totally not werid and we'll behaved™®© lol, was to watch every social interaction I had with other people very, very carefully to see what I say and do. After aforementioned interaction I would ask her "was I good mom?" Then she would answer either "yes" and leave me alone, or "no" and then tell me everything that was bad about what I did and how weird I came across and that I should, and I quote "be ashamed". Of course this led me to develop social anxiety and a constant unconscious need to be approved of by my mother.

Also it didnt help that my mom wasn't stable and my dad was there, but he was an absent presence in my life, always working, which I don't blame him for. He tried his best when he could. I mean, so did my mom but I wish she could tone it down on the gaslighting and emotional abuse even now.

Another thing about my mom and dad, they did not have a happy marriage. They should have divorced but due to social stigma in my home country they stayed together and made all our lives a bit like hell. Hiding in my room for hours until noise stopped was a normal thing for me. Even today, I get hallucinations of the noise I used to hear.

In addition, due to the fact that my family doesnt rlly like eachother but we are family, and have an obsession with blood, we look very weird out in public bc there is me, completely a social wreck, my mom scolding one of us in our native language, my father with no shame at all, and my siblings who want nothing to do with any of us and have been noticably wearing the same shirt for the past week, we look so, so, weird in comparison with the smiling happy families you see walking down the boulevard, laughing and enjoying each other's company while minding their own business. I think that's one of the worst parts of it. I want to at least appear normal and happy because it feels shameful to have so much.. out on display?? I don't know if that makes any sense, but we usually get stares. I hate the stares. My mom thinks I'm crazy when I try to bring it up to her.

I understand the feeling, my mother has always talk to me about things I should do or not do if I'm a male, how I should get a girlfriend or I shouldn't get in touch with some type of people, heck, one of my best friends did'n go to school for 2 weeks bc he was feeling pretty bad and after telling my mother how I was pretty much alone and miss his company, she said he was a bad influence and that I shouldn't hang out with him...

Tbh I think mothers can be overprotective, even to the point of being toxic to us. I your case, she shouldn't be telling you how to interact with others, it's your life not hers. She must value a lot her native country and culture but that doesn't mean she has the right to push her opinions to you. Friends may be temporal when you are pretty young, let it be bc you move outside or bc you don't have the same tastes that you had at that time, clashing with your friend's...

From what I can understand from your situation, you should when you can, move out of that house, away from your mother. You should try to talk to people you want to talk to and make friends without your mother's permission. She doesn't need to control your life.

Also, what you said about happy families...I seriously need to see one for myself, not even once have I seen a family who doesn't have any problem. My friend stalk to me about their families and their problems from time to time and I can say most of them have a problem with their Mother or Father trying to control what they do or say, which creates really bad mental health issues... I'm not excent from them too... I have many times think bad things about myself bc of my mother's opinions, maybe not as hard as yours but I also felt how I didn't like people staring at me, wondering if they were thinking bad of me, Idk I even felt like I couldn't breathe when I had to do important presentations for all the classes in 1st and 2nd year of my university grade.

Having someone you can talk to helps a lot when going through this problems and all I can say is having problems is completely normal, and trying to hide them is too...

Your mother thinking that you are crazy when you bring this topic up to her may just be her trying to reject that she's a part of why this whole thing is happening. While there are overprotective mothers (or parents) that try to take control of your life (i.e. friends, relationships, life choices, etc.), some of them do not take accountability when confronted. From what it seems, your mother is very much aware that your family is kinda crumbling already, just barely keeping relations from being completely broken. She may just really be rejecting that she's part of the problem, how and why it came to be. Because if she accepts that, of course, the people around her would probably tell her all sorts of things, like how it's her fault for not being good enough.

I'm quite insensitive to my surroundings, I don't pay much attention to the negative things I get from others (i.e. comments, stares), so I cannot relate to not wanting to stick out. But what I can relate to is the hallucinations of the noise. My parents are not really on bad terms, but my dad's gambling impulses are over the roof that always, ALWAYS, get my mother's blood boiling. They often fight over many things and scream at each other, so much recently that I get hallucinations of them screaming when I'm bathing, which would then cause me to leave the bathroom to go and check if they really are (and on the chance they do, protect my mom if things get physical).

With regards to your mother telling you that friends are temporary, my dad is also like that. Kept on telling me to focus on myself because "the friends you make today will not be your friends forever". I begged to differ, because my friends became the family I wanted my real family to be. In this case, you don't need to have a lot of friends. Just try to maintain one or two, those that seem to really care for you. Heck, I only have four of them and they mean the world to me. Friends that you can entirely be open with and can tell/show whatever the craziest idea/behavior/inclination without rejection are treasures of the universe. Having that kind of friend can change how you see and accept things in life.

Also, about happy families. Not all happy families you see outside are "happy". Some really just try to put on a public performance but deep down are extremely dysfunctional. Obsessive and possessive parents really do affect a child's development and can cause mental or personality issues in the long run, if not addressed early.

It's going to be hard and stressful, but learning to shut the noise and ignore the stares can really help. Fake it 'til you make it. Yes, it does not address the problem, but it's very helpful until you can move out of the house. Your time spent away from them would really help you heal from this.

Thank you both for replying, this helps a lot :)