im an autistic guy with a very strange relationship with gender.
sometimes i love the macho stuff. i want a beard and big muscles, and to be able to carry a partner bridal style. sometimes i feel more like a 2010s punk kid, skateboarding and listening to edgy music. sometimes i feel something very specific to autistic people, known as gendervague, where my concept of my own gender is fuzzy and weird and indiscernable. it doesnt fit societal standards for men or women.
and sometimes still, i feel an intense longing for things people see as feminine. i want soft skin and cute skirts and big doe eyes. i want to overuse my blush (yes i own makeup, but i rarely use it) to make me look cute, or do the thing girls do online to make their lips look plump and soft and red. sometimes it hurts for me to artificially deepen my voice (i naturally have a "girly" sounding voice, but i get embarrassed so i alter it as best i can). weirdly, one of the things thats tied to this feeling is my being the youngest child in a household where i needed to know how to get what i wanted/needed at any given moment. i can easily slip in and out of a very soft, "protect me" persona, and sometimes i do it without even noticing its happening. i know that sort of thing doesnt inheritly have anything to do with femininity but when i do it ive been told my mannerisms are very feminine.
as youve probably guessed by now, this is where i am at the moment. and i find it very frusturating because while my want for this is very full and almost overwhelming, i know i cant do anything to that effect right now. not because im in immediate danger, my anxiety is just that paralyzing. and that, really, is what bothers me the most. the instinct to hide my authentic self is so ingrained in me that even when i notice it i cant turn it off. im not sure if this is a me problem, a family problem, a community problem, or a society problem, but its definitely a problem. and i have no idea what to do about it.

well heya, smiles!

gotta say, it's not an exact fit, but we have a similar relationship to gender in that i don't feel like i can neatly fit into femininity or masculinity at all times; sometimes i want both, sometimes i only want to be fem or masc at the time. there's nothing wrong with any of this, obviously, all this gendered shit is made up. and everyone, regardless of gender identity, should feel comfortable expressing themselves despite it being "too feminine" or "too masculine." just be happy, and be yourself! 'course that's easier said than done, and while i only know this tiny snippet of you, smiles, i know the authentic you is someone super cool! hope u can overcome this anxiety (tho again, probably not that easy or simple) sooner rather than later. nothing strange about it, and i can definitely relate. good luck!

no, not really. its only "Strange" nowadays bc of heavy social enforcing. for me its the opposite, usually. im tired of being frilly and pretty most days, but there's that one day where i CRAVE a nice skirt. but i dont have any, just dresses.