yeah read the fucking title why don't you? obviously
if you're sensitive to this shit don't read any further,
so there's your warning.

anyway yeah i want the Big Sleep to take me and put me away forever. i can't fucking do this. everyday i wonder what the point is. answer? there's none. there is no point. i am nothing, i have nothing, and i will be no one for as long as i am alive. no one loves me, i'm bad at loving others, and the world is cruel and i'm fucking sad. it's that simple. sometimes i have the fucking nerve, THE GALL, to assume things will get better, and then i get bitch slapped in the face by our darling Reality and realize, wow, i'm stupid, aren't i? i! am! nothing! forever! i am nothing and will always be nothing! isn't that wonderful?

i think i should make plans. i should do it on my birthday.
make it a fucking party. wish me luck.

Do you have your fingers and toes?
Can you see, hear, touch, taste, feel?
Can you swallow without a machine?
Can stand, walk, at least breathe?
Can speak, read, write?
Is your imagination intact?
Can you laugh and cry?
Could you learn something new if you tried?

Can you adopt a worth of measure that doesn't leave you comparing what you are and have and did to what others are and have and did or do?

Can you live within your means or are your desires making that impossible?

Can a moment or an experience or a capable body be important enough to you without needing a label or rank or achievement or a special day on the calender year attached to it?

Can you decide for yourself the meaning of your life and therin see that the world will not collapse around you, especially if someone you might respect or care about made you feel insignificant/less than you are?

Do you have your own thoughts? Have you decided what "things getting better" actually looks like, and what you do for yourself vs what reality owes to you?

If your life was being taken from you anyway, would you insist, or would you defy this imposing thought that you're a dumbfuck666 that can't learn and grow and be something other than what they hate about themselves, and experience something other than what they hate about their life.

Can you see that joy and pain are shared and are waves of emotion that you can evoke through your choices and actions.

Can you understand that there is no more permanence in those moments of joy and pain than there is your life. There isn't permanent happiness to be attained, nor permanent pain. It's not "things getting better" ~ because yes reality will keep slapping you down. Can you choose to observe that flow instead of trying to defy it? Can you see how to prepare for the bad days, milk the good days, and be grateful for what you're able to do as a human on the days in between.

Can you collect ammunition by way of gratitude against these intrusive thoughts? Can you stop identifying with these thoughts?

Can you be patient with yourself instead of expecting reality to catch up with your desires, and accept that there's no fast relief or quick fix to a stable life?

Can you take a step back and see the ways you limit yourself with these thoughts, and how these thoughts control you?

These things you say aren't real, no more real then the idea that there is meaning. BOTH concepts of life having or not having meaning Can kill you or save you. Both ideas are true and false.

Either reality, as you understand it, is your trap or your savior. Just as there is a path to stop suffering if you end your life, there is a path to end it if you stay alive. It's not easy to kill yourself. You have time, ability, and energy to plan? Plan for tomorrow instead.

Screw birthdays. Stop thinking that matters cause every person you would want to call you is another resentment against them and another reason to consider yourself not worthy of others love. But if you consider it a marketing scam, well it's a favor to them to forget a birthday. Save them a few bucks, shits expensive these days. Screw all the calender holidays, everything you can't do that would have others "love" and celebrate you. Screw that stuff.

Can you start caring about what you think about you? Can you celebrate the birth of each day instead? Without it needing to be strewn with external meaning and labels and gifts and treasures and blessings and otherwise external and tangible measures of worth and happiness?

Can you see how foolish it is for you to be able to consciously cry out to the external world and even believe that you're worthless in your internal world? It's so absurd it can't be without meaning, and what are you to say and think what is if you truly are nothing? Who are you to take life if you are something that can make no claim or measure of what is and what is not.

Happy Birthday.