this is just gonna be a vent

idk, 2 years ago I forcefully cut ties with a (not so close) friend because I couldn't stand her completely harmless attitude and it made me feel like shit to hurt her like that that i went into a depression. but I thought I was out of it, I thought I finally managed to get out and I was finally living my life as intended until yesterday. I've hurt someone again and this time again it's not someone who's very important to me, and because I didn't know him I kind of underestimated him and thought he was just an idiot I could use. in the end I was the idiot, and I did use him, but I felt so bad because he ended up being a good person and I treated him like a disposable thing, and I feel so ashamed to even have thought of using him as a tool. I'm just so ashamed of my thought process in general, how I always try to view people I don't initially know as inferior to me so that I don't hurt my giant ego, how I try to boost myself by putting down others. i hate it so much, I don't want to be like that, especially since I'm really nothing much at all. I'm nothing and I have the audacity to think of other people as tools and that's just so fucking lame

something I came to realize because of the pandemic was how my life wasn't moving on, how nothing was actually happening. I'm just spending my days studying for a degree I'm not even passionate about, to get a job I'm not even passionate about, and then what? i do have a dream though, but I know it's impossible to get to it without a lot of luck and free time and I don't have any of both. I'm so busy with school and work and I've been so unlucky lately it's actually scary. so with this pathetic life i'm living i'm still betraying people's kindness out of a weird ass superiority complex. what am I even doing here. i fucking hate myself

Hi, I'm going through something similar and I completely understand. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I also understand that feeling of doing something ur not passionate about and still doing it. I also hate myself for what I did and it feels so lonely all the time. I think I also did what I did out of a superiority complex. I've been told I have a big ego, which I do, I acknowledge that, but I refuse to put myself down an undermine my worth... But it's really hard for me to empathize with people who I don't deem to have actual problems. Out of curiosity, what would you like to do?

you're 14