So, I have a past of doing things I really shouldn't have done and regret them heavily. No one knows I've done any of it, but It's something that's been weighing on me and making me feel disgusting. Basically, when I was around the age of 10 I discovered porn and started getting horny to certain things, and I had a fetish for butts. There's nothing entirely wrong with that, besides the fact I was so young, but it's what that fetish made me do that's wrong. I went to my Aunt's house a lot, and me and my Mom used to visit her friend since highschool, who happened to have 4 kids at the time. I was friends with 2 of them. One being male and the other female, we were young little kids. But one night at my Mother's friends house, her daughter was sleeping in her brother's room, on the top mattress of a bunk bed. I had a childish crush on her or what not, and she had been sleeping with no cover on. Like I said, I had a fetish for behinds, and I got so aroused I couldn't help myself. I climbed up the top bunk and started to touch her butt. I enjoyed it, and was especially lucky she hadn't woken up. I kept going in and out of the room, trying not to look suspicious of her Parents, using the excuse my phone was on the charger in their son's rooms, and that I was checking it. So, the third or fourth time I went in, I got a bit riskier and started toput my face on her butt, and give it subtle kisses, while grasping it. I was especially aroused by this, but I knew due to the excuse I made I couldn't stay in there for long, so I went back out. Finally, her parents told me I can move my phone to another plug outlet and charge it there so i don't have to keep going in and out. As horrible as that sounds, it was only one time, I have a ton more instances where I've done this- but with different kids around my age or younger. Referring back to my visits at my Aunt's house, I had been close with my cousins when i was a little kid. But during one instance, my fetish started to control me again, remained up stairs while my younger cousin who was like 6 at the time? While I was 9 or 10. She was sleeping in her Sister's room, so I went in and started to grab her butt. Though, I didn't do this for long due to the fact me and my Mom were leaving soon. But another instance, with my other cousin who is her sister takes places at my House. My cousins came over, and she fell asleep on the bottom bunk of my bunk-bed, while her sisters were all asleep in my room. And my Mom and my Aunt were in the living room having a conversation. I took my fetish a bit further, and started to pull my Cousin's pants down. I pulled my pants down and placed my penis on her butt, and quickly stopped out of fear of getting caught. For another instance of me doing these perverted things, Me and my Mom used to go over to her good friend's house early in the morning, when all her other kids were at school, and her youngest who was around 5 or 6 at the time was the only one there, I was again around 9 or 10 at this time, this being an ongoing thing at that age. In this case, no one was actually sleep, the kid was awake and in his underwear. He always had his pants and shirt off around the house, which I didn't think much about, but I just told him to come sit on my lap while I play a game on the computer at their house. No, I'm not gay and I never had an attraction towards Males, but this butt fetish REALLY made me not care. Another day, i told him to lay on his bed while I rubbed his butt briefly. I stopped doing all this eventually, for fear he would grow up to remember it and tell people. Though, he was still technically a toddler, being like only 5, if he remembered it, it'd be only brief, confusing memories. For my final confession of this perversion. We have this same kid's brother, who was around 8 while I was like 10. He and his brother who i was friends with spent the night at my house. When both fell asleep, I walked up to the kid and touched his butt. He woke up, but it was clear he was half sleep and unaware, and I nervously tried to play it off as if I was putting cover on him. Now that I'm done saying all this, I want to establish I'm not proud of any of this, and I haven't done any of these things since. I'm a proud Christian and I've prayed on all this, and asked God to forgive me for these disgusting things. But every time I'm reminded of it, I feel like I'm an evil person and deserve to rot in hell. And when i was still that age, I tried to convince myself not to do it, but ended up doing it again. Though I hadn't been given much oppertuities after. I have no desires to do this anymore, and hope I never will.. But I wanted to share cause I want to know if anyone thinks I'm a pedophile or should be jailed or something. Cause honestly, It's crossed my mind of the fact someone finding out and telling me I'm going to jail when I get older or something. Or that God'll never forgive me and I'm going to hell. I still contemplate if God has forgiven me for all this, and I'm starting to repent everyday, and pray that he forgives me for this. 'Cause the last thing I am is proud of it.

I wasn’t going to respond to this thread at all because I didn’t know what to say, honestly we all have our sins but you really should have just kept that to yourself. The one thing going through my head is how fucked you have to be to get turned on by a 5-6 year old when you’re 10. You pray that you’ve changed and you’re better but you can’t kill off instincts like that, you should probably get checked before you can’t suppress these “urges” anymore and someone actually gets hurt. God those poor kids, I hope they don’t remember because if they do they’ll most likely have problems later on in life.

I know, it's horrible to think that I've done that before, and honestly I regret even sharing it. But I needed to get it off my chest. When i was that age I didn't realize how messed up it was at the time, but now I realize it's extremely perverted. I haven't had any of these desires since then, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not even remotely urged to do that to a kid anymore, especially now that I'm older. It's something I have to move on from and never do again.

Here's some actual advice without judgement: See a psychiatrist.

Pornography disturbs even the mind of adults.
https://neurosciencenews.com/neuroscience-pornography-brain-15354/
The effects it has on a child's brain that still is developing are tremendous. As a child, your sexual identity is not yet settled, and with the nature of pornography, abuse and violence, degrading behaviour and objectification becomes normalized and integrated into the persons behaviour as they grow older.
The effects are only seen later on, and basically the millenials and gen z are the guinea pigs of the modern pornography consumption and the effects it has on the mind.

For men, the same centre in the brain that handles sexual arousal also handles for example aggression and fear (hence uncomfortable boner when doing a presentation at school). There's a clear link between adrenaline and men's sexual stimuli, which could explain the seeking of the thrills, doing more risky things.
And as a child you do not have the knowledge or experience to realise what you're actually doing or how it's affecting you and others.

See a psychiatrist that can help you go through your experiences and to make up a plan on how to overcome the guilt and weed out bad habits and thinking patterns that keep you stuck in a destructive lifestyle.

So I will just say that do not share this stuff on here. Its full of judgmental idiots like Some dick named Isaiah Orwell. Also, you will be judged because the cowards behind these screens love anonymity so they will be jerks. I have a story similar to this, and as long as you don't stray from whatever your path is, you will make the right decisions. When I was little, I did the same thing to another boy. And i struggle with self hate and shit. As long as yu. know what you did was wrong, you will be fine. I promise you. Dont listen to othe shitty advice people think they have the place to share.