so a while ago, my siege (a game) stopped working on my pc. i lost my user profile, game files were corrupted etc. my bf said he only wanted to play it with me so he wouldnt play it until we fixed it together. it was cute, i never asked him to do anything like this. but i had to admit it was v sweet for him to say stuff like that.

eventually i found out he had actually played the game heaps with another girl while mine was broke lol. he didnt do anything ... exactly innapropriate. it was just the fact that he hid it, and so a string of trust issues began and fights. this led me to finding out more chats with girls he had been hiding, breaking boundaries, and the consistent quoting of the question 'if there was nothing to hide why hide it?' etc.

i mean if we talk seriously, this isnt the only thing thats given me bad trauma, i have a whole list of it. so yeah. it did kinda fuck me up. and it still does. even though hes improved and he doesnt dare to do that stuff anymore, theres still a part of me thats looking for my own... closure.

so we're back in present. my siege still doesnt work. so i secretly bought a new account, bought siege with that acc, and am currently downloading it.

heres the karma part. and this is a lot of effort i know, but its for my own self healing so... cx

im going to grind siege on this new acc and wait for the day where he'll probably mention siege again, cause i know he will. he'll do the whole thing where he goes 'i know you dont like hearing about it because of what i did before...' the whole pity thing, you know? but itll be okay at that time. because while hes been thinking that im 'so damaged, i could never touch the game again, ugh the bad memories' and all this dramatic stuff. ill be having the time of my life. just like how he was when he was hiding it from me. just like how he was when he hid a girl in his life from me.

eventually id just reveal my totally op account that i had been playing on the whole time. thats basically it. doesnt sound as great on text than it does in my head. i just know hed be devastated that he missed out on all that fun we couldve had... if he just didnt hide anything in the first place lol

when i read over this... my boyfriend rly does sound shit huh. i was lied to for a very long time. he consistently made me feel unsafe, insecure, and not grounded in this relationship. he hides stupid things, and he puts in more effort when it comes to hiding these things compared to when it comes to actually working on not doing something that makes his girlfriend (aka me lol) extremely uncomfortable.

also question for the audience. should i just break up with my bf? i love him a lot and i want to be with him. but the trust issues that have stacked on and the lies and the BIG LIST of even more horrible things he has done to me in the PAST has seriously ruined a big part of me. I used to be so carefree and openminded, motivated, happy. I'm not saying im NOT happy with him but, the trauma comes back a lot and it causes a LOT of fights. again, he doesnt do it anymore, so a lot of times i react to triggers and it just seems unfair when he doesnt do anything remotely wrong. i always apologise but he says he understands bc i wouldnt be like this if he didnt do those things to me in the first place. its weird right? it sounds like theres an understanding of why we react the way we do with eachother but also feels so sad. its like suffering.

my steam name is juni. my stead id link is junijuni73. come talk to me, talk shit to me, be my new partner in crime, or if u are interested in ranking up and grinding a siege acc with me. i really dont care.

You say "He's improved and he doesn't dare to do that stuff anymore", and I want you to reflect on this sentence.
Is it that he doesn't dare to do it, or that he's actually improved and understood why it was wrong?

If it's just about daring, he might gain his confidence back and dare again.
If it's a question of him gaining a better understanding why it's morally wrong and hurtful for you, it's a completely different story.

Playing the game in secret isn't going to heal you. Playing the game at all isn't going to heal you.

Knowing that someone is on your side and cares about you enough to stand by their word, be honest and open with you, and to make sacrifices to avoid hurting you (all within reason, though), and getting rid of the people in your life who won't, will heal you.