I recently attended high school. I feel, if anybody listens to Billie Eilish, like the song Hostage. Check it out and come back to me. Um, this is not meant for me to be a crazy fan and try to relate to a celebrity.
The point of me writing this is because, if those of you read my friend thread, you understand half of the story. I feel animalistic lust towards other boys, but not sexual lust. I want to feel someones touch on my neck, or taste them. (not sexual). Or smell them. Thats important to me. I really want someone who i can smell and be comfortable. I would like to (like the song) crawl inside his veins. It may sound scary and parasitic, but thats just what i want. I missed out on a lot in middle school, seeing as i was homeschooled (online) for 3 years. I want to hold someone and smell them, look in their eyes, and feel them. Everywhere (not meant to be sexual). I want to feel someones skin on me. What is this feeling?

Sounds like being human.

Blood is the same for me. I can compare it more rationally with my enormous curiosity and study of being human.

I'm always so terribly interested in others, and their paths. I'm interested in whats inside; past the facade they put out for the world. You can't mask your own smell without fragrant deodorant and soap and such. So I get get ots describing what's Real. I'm Interested in the deeper parts of people that are a true lifeline to that being.

What lust i have is just on the other end of the same spectrum. On the side of misunderstanding. I have often times mistaken this inherent curiosity with love or lust.

You're right that it's not about sex, even though on the surface, that's what sells the song and dance. But underneath you recognize its about truly knowing someone as well as you might know yourself.

Even to that, perhaps the inherent curiosity, or desire to be in another's veins, is a daydream escape from being trapped in my own. To think that understanding another to their core is essentially understanding myself, and is the same as connecting with myself. We are one, after all.

I think your way of putting things, is...
Beautiful. Thanks. Idiots might see it as sex, but what else do you expect from idiots?
I have a feeling that people make the complicated 3D puzzle flat, paper. TO make it baseline. What you see is what get. Thats what people hope to achieve, or that again may be another misconception for the greater good. Thanks for the advice whonknos. Any more advice>

any other advce?

Hmmm I'll try my best but it might not have the same potency or connection to your situation. Was thinking someone else would have a say~ sorry to keep you waiting.

I believe the things you missed out on are perfectly arbitrary.

I think I'm a bit older than most here so things like cell phones weren't in every students hand when I was in school. There's definitely a huge difference there. So i can't say what its like for you now. But even hearing that middle school was something you feel was important enough not to miss from a public perspective~ it's a little baffling.


Middle school and high school was super vanilla for me. While I chose to stay out of a lot, what I saw from the sidelines wasn't all that crazy or interesting. But the observation served to teach me what Not to do in some regard heheh.


For those people telling their stories? Sure it's exciting for them, but who knows if you would have experienced the same from your perspective.


My short time so far into adulthood has been quite full and exciting, both for good and bad reasons, and it's all significantly more meaningful to me than anything I though important in middle or high school. In fact I barely remember most of it. Out here it's so much easier to find people and dig into them, so to speak. In school there's always a protective shell around people. Because its hard to know who you really are yet. However; The trial and error of becoming yourself that public school might provide from a SOCIAL perspective...


Again You didn't miss out. However, I can understand things that may have been important.

Like being deceived, betrayed, lied to, cheated on; silly things youth does to each other on a small scale; but ultimately shapes who we are and what we consider compatability. A chisel against stone isn't exactly a gentle process when sculpting who we are, and more often than not our environment is the artist, and of course we are the stone.


I knew someone who was so oblivious to how many people were only interested in them for the chance to fuck/date them. That or I was oblivious that they enjoyed my desire to protect them from said horndogs.

This is something I believe you can learn now and save yourself the pain and trouble everyone else experienced.

People lie. Everyone lies. Even I lie to fit writings like this into your perspective. Like not realizing i was supposed to listen to the song you mentioned (oops LOL)~ I even lie to myself everyday, and overtime I learn what understandings are true and not.


That feeling you have, that I can relate to here, a lot of us feel it, and A LOT of us mistake it for Love; better yet, what we think it love is a spectrum, that includes Compassion, and Respect.

Be weary of those chasing compassion as if it were romance or lust. People will lie to you because what they think is love~ is all in their heads.

Some people will always think there's more to experience when you throw 2 people in a relationship/bedroom. But people have developed unbreakable love through mutual respect and compassion. Through friendship. There are people who I melt for, and would do anything for, would die for. But I can separate that feeling from the idea of fucking them lmao. But not everyone can.

However, again, I used to confuse the two. So I did spend a lot of time lying to people trying to get what I thought I wanted. Trying to approach love the way the TV told me to. And today my body count is higher than I'd like to admit. I missed out on virginity lmao.

Either way, if I spent more time with more people, in more social situations, I may have had a better grasp on that relationship and all those after. It took a lot of chasing what I thought I wanted to realize I'd always be empty handed in the end. But that's not exactly missing out, ya know? Sure, Pain is a good way to grow but not the only way.


I am certain that what's ahead of you will prove itself to be full of experience and wonder for you. Life really hits you like a train everyday out here. And you will spend a lot of time alone like you may have in middle school. But you will also have the freedom and safety to have full experiences out here~ as long as you pay mind to the hidden intentions of others, under the skin.

In schools you are definitely hostage to a set of rules and guidelines, but out here you find people who follow a rule set made for and by themselves that's compatible with your own.


Having those feelings is a natural part of you, and for most people I believe, but at differing degrees.

Try directing these feelings into conversation~ into understanding. We're all bits of stained glass on the same window. We're painted different but inside it's all Glass.

Be weary of this. People will throw stones to see if you are glass, instead of simply asking.

That must be the thrill of life, or simply put, idiots, being idiots, pigs being pigs, and chickens being chickens. lets hope i feel ready to venture out into the sea. Isn't it part of the "youth experience" to not fee ready to put on that snorkel gear and dive to see sharks, and make love to coral (pun!).

oh and thanks for the advidce ;D

It really mean a lot to me. I slammed my head in the car door after telling my mom to fuck off, so my head feels weird, but not i feel senimental. Thanks! (this always happens hehe...)

Yea being ready feels like such a vague concept. It can take one breath or a decade of preparation to be 'ready' ~ All we get ready for is to face uncertainty. Building the courage to dive into the depths of the shark den, not knowing if they're starving or just feeling snacky lol.

It was lovely speaking with you Karo. Hope to hear an update sometime :)

Oh my, I hope you head feels better and whatever you and you mom are going through can be settled peacefully, but I get it. Telling my dad to fuck off was necessary. I don't know about you but parents are human too. If they're one of the idiots or pigs~ all the parental "love" in the world can't change that. Its almost unfortunate that I don't speak to my father anymore. Almost.

yeah. Many things with this can be used as a grey area of morals and whatnot. But, love can change things, no matter how cliche the concept can be.

Agreed

I am starving, i think ill take a break from this and watch the walking dead. I have been craving to see a knife in a zombies head. haha

Bump for Justice.

I haven't started Walking Dead yet. Shame on me I know lmao. But I do understand that sentiment. I just watched a fighting anime called Kengan Ashura and damn is it brutal and it was satisfying lol.

Sorry for double bump.