⚠️ it's a long depressing post, contains abuse and other possible triggers



I have a brother who graduated with his bachelor's degree recently, I'm happy for him, he's now full time in accounting

we live in different states for complicated reasons, a lot of things about us are similar, such as our birthday, height, etc
yet there are other things that make us starkly different, can't speak about everything for him because we havent talked much lately and I don't want to say things about our past that could be false from his point of view, so I'll speak about myself

I'm transgender male for one, he was assigned male at birth, +1 inconvenience for me

I've considered many different career options over the years and dropped out of college a few years ago, doing odd jobs in retail ever since, I've finally decided on giving art a chance since I've been drawing since I was little

as far as I know, he has no beef with his side of the family, I've had many arguments with my side of relatives over the years that I made up my mind to drop the family name and cut ties some day with them (this is also because they're anti-LGBT and it's unsafe for me to live with them out of the closet)

in my past I've had multiple traumas, most of which I've never told anyone about in detail,
to start, I've moved multiple times in the double digits which resulted in me never keeping any of the friends I made in school in real life, this isn't so important since many people lose their HS contacts anyways I guess
...
I've been manipulated and framed by a toxic ex-friend online for a few years from ages 11-15 they fooled everyone into thinking I was them for years, though I doubt anyone remembers anymore but me,

I was in a relationship with a pedophile for about a year and half at 15, I rather not talk about this more in detail and just forget about it

around 15 was the time I started to question my religion and this is also when abuse from family started to make 'sense' to me, things only soured with relatives ever since, to make things even sweeter they're possessive as shit on top of being toxic

at 16, another relationship with one of the friends I used to game with who was my age for about a year or two, I was also going through an edgy phase (who can blame me? lol) I was a high school senior around that age and thinking about my future,I've talked with this ex about it many times but he was uncaring and spent most of his time gaming, we broke up because I felt he wasn't being a supportive friend to me anymore at the base of it, he got into another relationship with one of his gaming friends immediately afterwards and I sought desperate friendship in another friend

and this friend ALSO hurt me, was friends with her for 5 years, she was toxic, made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells, I told her I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship yet after I broke up with ex because she tried to hook up with me right after that fucking happened when I just needed a friend (I lost my friend group with that group of gamers after the break up, wonderful people aren't they?)

oh, and one of them also got me into gacha games, so on top of all that I also have addiction to softcore gambling lmao (this wasn't as large of an issue financially, I've stayed F2P for years and only spent $100 once on arknights which I quit last year, now it's just purely a time waster and a quick rush of dopamine occasionally) damn, am I glad they didn't introduce me to real drugs instead..

then years later in 2018 when I got a crush on someone in my college and got in a relationship with him after we became good friends, SHE never got over me and was a source of stress for both of us,
me and BF cut ties with her around 2021 after she hurt both of us emotionally, and yes I'm still dating college BF who has been my first healthy relationship.. ever? I love him to death, 4 years and ongoing

the years are ambiguous to an extent because I've been trying to forget these negative events ever since they happened, but it's fucking hard obviously, I'm trying to move on and be a better person, I always have been trying, I have new friends now, I'm saving up money, I bought a car and I'm learning how to drive, take care of myself and my hygiene after neglecting it in the past, starting to like who I am and more aware of who I want to become after hating myself for so fucking long



but sometimes... I feel like a villain, hear me out for a second. it feels like my brother a state away is supposed to be the hero of our 'story' who had a nicer upbringing filled with gaming consoles, a supportive family, and a successful future,

and then there's me, born to be the villain with an awful past, just starting to understand what healthy relationships are supposed to be, having to give up my blood relatives and find my own 'family,' having to lie to said family so I don't get kicked out of the house unprepared..

guys, I fucking feel guilty about it, I hate lying to them as awful as they are to me, I hate feeling powerless about my situation, like I can't talk to anyone, I vent to my friends enough about the abuse I go through at home but I can't dump anymore on them, I don't want them to see me as a constant source of depression and pity, I already probably am seen as one and feel guilty over that too

I genuinely want to move out and have a good life in my 20s+ at least, be able to travel, make happy memories with college BF, give him a nice life too because he has a terminal health issue and we're unsure of how long he has to live..

just.. fuck. this story of my life has been overwhelmingly depressing, I tried to look for at least one good thing about each year I've lived, I did find at least one for each, but there's still this overwhelming sadness, I want to break free from it all, I want to become a strong man who can support himself, have a successful career that both supports me and that I enjoy, a family I can call family with no hesitations, friends that I can trust like family, make happy memories and travel with college BF before his time comes

I'll continue working towards letting go of that awful past while also learning from it, I genuinely want to be a better person and I will do my best to achieve that even if I end up walking this path alone, but why do I still feel somewhat evil?

I'm doing everything I do for my survival and happiness, I'm not being selfish am I?
If I leave certain people who make me uncomfortable or even feel unsafe around them, all that is justified right? I've talked to them many times, I swear on it, they don't change, I can only change myself at the end of the day. I just want some clarity and guidance, the more I let this sit the more depressed and anhedonic I feel, I'm genuinely scared and just want life to feel different for a change

sorry for rambling and thank you so much for reading all the way and replying, I really need it

hey anonymous. i feel u there, and i think most of people in here do. it's hard to deal with our past, childhood, and so on. we are born vulnerable, we do not know how to defend ourselves until we do. embracing your childhood as a bad experience and learn about it... yes, it's fucking hard. it requires emotional maturity, time, probably long nights of cry.. and you have to take this out of your chest. therapy could help a lot to heal the past. the most important learnings on this subjects are:

-you are not guilty for what happened to you-

-you are not in charge for other people actions-

-the things that other people did to you have nothing to do with you-

i wish you and your bf the best of the best. it's a long process, and the hardest step is the first.. afterwards, you can deal with it. don't be afraid to seek help. you'll be rewarded at the end.

i feel you, not in a way as a trans or so. But i can definitely relate feeling as if i was born to be the black sheep of the fam. My parents had me early, as in 18 and 23. So it feels like i robbed the fun and the feeling of youth off of them. I was physically abused by my parents when i was a child, got bullied in school since i was always a loner,which is only because i was never allowed to go out and play with the others or even play after school in the school grounds. Then i moved out when i was in high school and lived with my grandma. My mom went overseas to work where she had an affair. Which of course led to having an already broken family, crumble into dust. I got pretty depressed, I've only realized looking back now that my anxiety and depression started back then. I've lost my identity trying to fit anywhere, desperately looking for connections from strangers and acquaintances. Got molested and sexually harassed by my cousins, nobody who knows me know about this, even my relatives. And THOSE relatives who harassed me are still my neighbors living their lives, while i need to pretend everythings good everytime i fuckn look at them. I can't see my worth, my dignity. I feel like im a background friend but never the number one friend of anyone. My relatives keeps comparing me to my younger sister, my cousins, strangers i dont even know who. I got excellent grades and all. I was running for valedictorian on my senior year and was glad that i wasn't picked because no one was about to attend my graduation if it wasn't for my (second) uncle.
Everyday i think of dying or killing myself. I'm just fed up. I can feel your pain, but I'm sorry if I can't say any motivation or anything good. All i can offer you is my time and my genuine will to listen. If you want, we can talk in IG if you have no one to vent your emotions at.

it sort of feels good to finally let it all out

I can't really find the words to reply because I've been dealing with new source of stress lately, but i have been checking back to this thread almost everyday, just reading over the replies helps me feel a little less lonely, thank you, I don't have IG but Ill consider reaching out later when I get over this recent challenge

I'm sending you strength, motivation and so much love rn. I love you ❤️

Growing is a process but it's also difficult and you're going to keep growing.

Bump for Justice.

hey OP you're not a villain, you seem more like an anti hero :3 someone making character development progress through life despite not getting to have a nice happy backstory that hero's typically have, and to be honest people like that can generate a lot more hope to those around them by just taking things one day at a time. I can only imagine how hard it is to wake up and go through the day with those heavy sad feels sticking to you, so yea you talking about your story and are now progressing in a loving relationship with your s/o is something really wholesome.

On the topic of worrying about being a burden to your friends by sharing things, well as much as I wanna encourage you keep vocalizing your troubles to them, I'm sure there are situations where you can't or reasonably think it's not a good idea to, so ye i get that we can't vent everything to everyone cause no person can fully carry the weight of another person's burdens only a percentage of it. Going thru 2+ decades of life a lot of encounters have taught me that, despite everyone's good intentions, we can only give and receive imperfect help. So we can only be imperfectly "fixed" or "ok" when we rely on each other, which helps but at times, it's not enough. I've come to 2 conclusions about life, (1)everything and everyone in this world is broken in some way or form, otherwise we'd all be consistently happy or at the very least neutrally-ok (2)the world can't fix itself and needs help from something bigger than us to truly be ok. I know we come from different walks in life, we're probably on opposite ends of the globe too, but just want to let you know that there is a way out of the hopelessness you feel, and it's through a relationship with Jesus. I've experienced and seen it happen several times. Ok so, chances are you probably are feeling a lot of hesitation at the mention of this, you can stop reading here if you want to, (if this were a face to face conversation i'd ask if you'd like to switch topic too, but this is the best i can do that thru an online forum).

Abstract as a relationship with Jesus sounds, I wanna encourage you to just give it a try, forget every representation of Him you've experienced from imperfect people and try getting to know, talking to, and reading about Him yourself, keep your heart open to an answer, set aside any idea of Him you got from other imperfect pepl that associate with Him by name, and just experience Jesus for yourself. Don't worry about being formal or anything with Him just come as you are, cause He knows who you are and everything else about you anyways. And it's a promise that He will answer those Who truly want to try getting to know Him (Matthew 7:7), and when He does, and when you build a relationship of trust with Him, the void will be filled with sure hope, there'll still be sadness God doesn't promise an easy life, but He does promise internal security and peace throughout whatever you encounter in life. If you have any questions, or if talking to a stranger who'll be on listen mode would help, let me know. Not sure what it means to you coming from a stranger, but am genuinely praying/hoping you're gonna see better days, or that you'll be healed and ok down to your soul in the future ^v^ ~