Hello everyone.

I'm not even sure what to say, just I feel completely isolated and it's finally getting to me, breaking me. The last two years have done me no favors. I lost most of my friends because I got angry over a video some of them made, I'm stuck working a part-time job and I've had no success securing full-time work, I keep getting ghosted whenever I try to date someone, and all the isolation from COVID has done me no favors. This is all in addition to the strained relationship I have with my family. I feel like no one would miss me if I disappeared, but I can't figure out if I'm too scared or too stubborn to die. Or maybe I'm too hopeful or too foolish to keep trying to find good in the world. I don't know what it is anymore. I used to have a firm grasp of who I am, but now I'm not even sure what I am anymore.

I don't know what I need, but I need something. I can't keep going on the way things are now.

I hace no idea what your entire situation is but all I can tell you is that it might be time to move (move out if youre still with parents) and move to a different country perhaps in order to find more chances, other people and whatever more youd like.
In other countries they usually like foreigners more, and thus you might have a better chance to date! For now, try finding a different job or save up to move away thats all i can give you...

I'm working on a move right now, but I'm also looking for a full-time job somewhere else so I can support myself. Haven't lived with my parents for ten years now, and I don't plan on moving anywhere near them. What country would you suggest if I moved internationally? I currently live in the US.

Don’t ever give up hope. Things can change. I can’t say that everything will be better tomorrow or even the next day, but I do believe things will get better. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that. Do you have a passion, maybe a hobby? When I was in my middle school years, I lived in a mean neighborhood. I felt isolated as well, and each night, I would go to sleep hoping that I wouldn’t wake up. I had suicidal and homicidal thoughts every hour of the day. I was miserable. This went on for years for me, but with where I’m at now, I couldn’t be gladder that I decided to live.

What helped me was music, but it’s different for everyone. I can’t begin to express how happy I am that you decided to reach out about this. Ever since I got past those moments in my life, I’ve been able to help people going through similar issues. When you get through this, I think you could probably do the same. Feel free to reach out to me anytime you need. Don’t ever get the idea that telling your problems is a burden to others. I feel happy enough just knowing that I’m able to help someone in need.

My passion has always been filmmaking, but in losing my friends I also lost my core filmmaking team. So as you can probably imagine, that's made pursuing my passion extremely difficult lately. I currently go to sleep sometimes hoping I'll just die before I wake, but I also feel that at 28 I should be past all that. I want to be stronger. I want to be better. I want so desperately to fix what's broken, whether it was broken by me or someone else. Every second of every day my brain is trying to process millions of different thoughts about how to better myself in this reality as well as countless alternate realities in which I made different choices and could at least get through the pandemic with a bigger nest egg or my friendships intact, and wondering how I managed to get myself stuck in this reality where everything's gone to shit. I know how broken I am, and I want to fix myself, but sometimes I wonder if I'm even worth fixing. When I'm not filling out countless job applications, I spend my days binging movies or TV shows or figuring out what movie or TV show to binge next. Or sometimes I'll put on classic rock music and dance and sing to that. For awhile those were the only things keeping me sane, but now I've started playing out these alternate realities like an actor going way off script and with no one to perform for. If you have music suggestions, I'd be happy to listen to them and see if that helps at all. I do appreciate the feedback I'm getting here. It does give me some hope that as shitty as things are, the world isn't as bad as you think.

I am curious about something. It sounds like you’re surrounded by shitty people altogether. Are you in a bad area? If you’re living in a place like that, then, naturally, it would be harder to find good friends. So, if that’s the case, then I agree that moving would be a big help. Another thing, even though I don’t personally know you, I can say that your definitely worth fixing. I don’t know enough to say whether the fixing needs to happen on your end or on the community’s end, but either way, you shouldn’t give up hope on yourself or the world.

You seem to be very perceptive and good at communicating thoughts and with a trait like that, filmmaking is definitely something that I think you would excel in. If you don’t have a crew to film with, have you tried joining a filmmaking club or something similar?

As for your friends, did they attempt to talk to you about whatever happened between you and them? Did they listen to your input? If they didn’t even give you a second thought, then they’re not very good friends. Finding good friends can be tricky. Do friends find their way to you, or are you the one going out to look for friends? Maybe start up a conversation with someone shy. From there, if they’re a good person and you get along with them, try letting more people into your circle. Just make sure they’re trustworthy people and be sure they know you’re trustworthy as well.

As for music, I have a special taste for progressive metalcore and things like that. It’s certainly not for everyone. In middle school, I used to listen to Linkin Park and just started listening to harder stuff from there. You said you listen to classic rock, which I admire, but I can’t say for sure if you’ll like the same music as me. I’ll give you a recommendation anyway, in case you really want one. It’s not as intense as all the songs I listen to. Dance Gavin Dance - Strawberry Wake.

You mentioned a strained relationship with your family. That’s a really tough spot to be in. Have you tried talking to someone in the family you know is a sympathetic person and a good secret keeper? Do they feel a strained relationship towards you, or is it one way? If someone in the family can understand you, maybe they could help clear any false assumptions or impressions of you. For example, if you’ve been distant and irritable due to all this stress, then people might see that as arrogance if they don’t know what’s going on. Just be careful who you talk to about personal stuff.

As for the jobs issue, I don’t have enough experience there. If you find someone in the family to talk to that’s understanding, you could ask them about that too.

A few things to remember:
-communication is huge in keeping a healthy relationship
-continue to study yourself so that you can better understand how to help yourself
-no matter how shitty things get, don’t go down a bad path if you can’t handle the aftermath
-don’t create lies to deal with problems because it will always come back to bite you
-when you feel terrible about yourself, turn your thinking around. Get angry at your thoughts and show them they’re wrong by improving yourself.
-when you feel sad for no reason, go do something nice for someone, because the praise that they give you can help your self-esteem and disprove any bad impressions of you.
-if people misunderstand you, learn how to better communicate with different types of people, because you can’t always fix others, but you can improve yourself

One more thing. It’s tricky, but learn how to say what you want to say in a way that’s both forward and kind. It takes practice. Think about how you would react to your words. Remember, though, that people react differently. The way you talk to someone can be seen as rude or shy depending on the person. Try to go with being polite first. Let me know how things go, because different advice works for different people.

“Because the world isn’t as bad as you think” - everyone’s favorite dullahan

I live in a good area, but film is dying here. If things don't look up soon, I'll cut my losses anyway and move to ATL, NYC, or LA and take my chances there. At least then if I fail, I can say I went out fighting.

It wasn't so much the input I gave my friends as the way I gave it to them, in that I lashed out over a prank call video they made and posted in our Facebook group chat. But even when I kept trying to make amends, it always felt like my words were falling on deaf ears. What's worse is I brought that entire group together years ago, so as you can imagine it's both a real betrayal of my trust and a piercing dagger of guilt twisting inside my heart day in and day out. I want to fix this most of all, because none of us deserved what happened.

The strain with my family runs both ways, and it runs deep after 25+ years of conflict. My family loves to keep each other's secrets, but the second any of them get a chance to air my dirty laundry they'll do it. It's not that they have bad principles, but rather they have no consistency in their principles. They cannot be trusted.

Communication being the cornerstone in any kind of relationship has always been my philosophy, specifically honest and consistent communication. But you're right, I gotta stop lying to myself. I need to get rid of these alternate realities and bring my focus back to the one I'm in now so I can fix it. After all, it's only a problem if there's a solution somewhere out there or right here.

Sorry for just jumping into the convo like this… but did you lash out badly? Sounds like that prank call video that was made really upset you, & when we get mad, sometimes we’re a bit harsh with our words, if you will. Even so, if you’ve genuinely been trying to make amends but you’re still being ignored, maybe it’s just best to cut your losses. There’s a lot of history between you all so I’m sure it’d be extremely difficult but again, you’re trying to make amends & from what you’ve said so far it doesn’t seem to be working.

But, I know the feeling of wanting it all to end. Honestly I still feel that way most of time. My physical health hasn’t been the best lately, I constantly get headaches, dizzy spells, etc. but I don’t wanna go to the doctor. It’s not that I’m scared of getting tests run or anything. It’s just that I really don’t care… like, if it turns out to be something life threatening that’s slowly taking me out, I’m okay with that. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this but I haven’t actually told anyone in my personal life these thoughts I constantly have. I apologize, maybe I just needed to vent.

But back to you! Sounds like a fresh start would be really beneficial for you & it sounds like you’re already looking into that so that’s great! Getting away from what you’ve always known & walking into something new can be beneficial for anyone, really. Seems like you just need to find your direction in life again, you know?? You’re a little lost right now but you’ll get back to yourself, I’m sure of it.
Also! Going down to the beach, or going on hikes/trails really helps me get back into the right headspace, maybe that’ll help you out too. Oh & a couple of my favorite songs are Vienna by Billy Joel & Waves by Dean Lewis. I’m not sure if you’re into that type of music but they’re definitely great in my opinion lol. Just don’t give up, okay?? Like I said, you’ll get back to yourself, trust yourself.

I completely understand the feeling of waiting for an illness to kill you. That's actually why I haven't vaccinated myself against COVID yet, not that I go out of my apartment enough for that to matter anyway. But I have yet to catch the virus at all despite several supposed exposures, so if things turn around for me before the pandemic finally does take me out, that'll be a sign that the world actually does want me to stick around, that maybe there's a purpose for my pain. At least, that's been a huge part of my thought process for awhile now. I just want the pain to end, and there's not a lot I wouldn't do at this point to fix that pain in myself and the people I lashed out at real badly.

Also, I just listened to "Strawberry's Wake". Really good song, and the lyrics really match how I should be feeling about these people. So why don't I hate them?

How have you tried apologizing to them?? As a group or individually? Since you said you lashed out badly it might be best to apologize to each individual person but don’t expect for your friendships to mend quickly. I’m sure it’ll take awhile & you’ll progress at a different pace with each person. As to why you don’t hate them, it’s obvious you cherish these people very much & the last thing you want to do is cut them out of your life completely. That’s totally normal & you shouldn’t beat yourself up over feeling this way toward them. However, you need to remember that right now, it’s up to them whether they decide to forgive you or not. A genuine apology is all you can give right now & what they decide to do after is up to them. The decision they make is something you’ll have to accept, even if it hurts. I really don’t recommend constantly apologizing if they’ve already made it known that they’re not willing to mend the friendship. If things don’t start to look up soon you’ll have to accept what’s happened.

Yes, and yes. I've tried numerous methods as well, including texting, (attempts at) calling, writing letters, and e-mailing them a video apology I made using photos I had taken over the years. I even tried to set things straight at a wedding we were all at five months ago. No attempts have been made since then as I was focused on other things for awhile, and you're right in that I don't want to be constantly apologizing or repeating the same methods over and over again. But it still eats me up every day that they won't even acknowledge my existence let alone hear me out. So if you have any other ideas on how to go about this in a way that gets their attention I'm happy to hear them. But I am just about at that point where accepting it is my only option and I'll need to keep my mind away from them and the pain.

Wow you’ve been trying for that long… I’m sorry I don’t have any ideas as to how to get their attention. Not gonna lie, I’m not the best at maintaining relationships, whether they be romantic or platonic. Right now I’ve only got one real close friend I’ve known for 10 years. So people constantly coming and going from my life isn’t anything new & I tend to cut people off rather quickly at times… So yeaa, I’m really not the best person to try & help you out in regards to that :/ But I really do hope you’re able to come to terms with everything that’s happened & don’t beat yourself up about it, alright??

i can feel the isolation. It will never be easy but u could try to at least consider who you are now, as "you". Not who you are from the past, nor the ideal "you" that u wanted to be. Let's just say your about to open a new chapter of your life. Like a restart, maybe? Book 2 of your life, that's why there are people who must go; job/s, or interest/s as well. Don't stress yourself too much but keep in touch with yourself and have the motivation to move forward.