TL;DR - thanks for being a part of the site anyway.

As a preface, I am suffering from a chronic, progressive mental illness. This being the root of the issue. However, despite the futility of seeking advice for a symptom of an incurable disease - perhaps I'll hear something I havent failed at already.


I'm a giving person, but I'm a completely unsuccessful person when it comes to life/society. So naturally, without any integration to society, ive had to sacrifice that part of myself. I can't afford to act on it, quite literally. All I can offer people these days are words.


There are people in my life who are also generous. People who have seen the worst in me. People who I've stolen from. People that I don't deserve forgiveness from, yet they insisted.


My father raised me as if he was god's favorite angel who sacrificed a utopia so basic expectations of feeding and clothing his child were met. To be his child, well I must have been King of the earth and didn't know it. I did live long enough to know there's equally as many people that are worse off than me as there is those better off. I have gratitude that I didn't go hungry and wasn't kidnapped. Basics of parenting, but whos surprised those basics aren't met for a lot of us. And whos really surprised that I resent him for everything else he did. His constant belittlement. His constant doubt. His constant threats. But I'm glad he had enough strength to hold back from hitting me or my brother too hard.


And I wastedy youth trying to earn a modicum of respect from him. What a waste of time. So much wasted time.


Today, with no way to return the generosity of a very few people, with sacrificing hope that I could some day return the favor, I beg to god to end my life.


The pain and guilt I feel from accepting generosity is beyond reason. There's no sense to it. I ask you not to try to reason with me. It's beyond reason.


After all, who would reject getting something for nothing. How privileged am I to be able to refuse generosity.


Spare me. I laugh and the knife draws nearer as I stuggle for anyone to understand. But that's no one's responsibilty: to undunderstand.


Neverthelesz; why does generosity mean you can't take no for an answer.


I've watch over the years, how people say no to be polite; knowing they're going to receive said generosity either way.


So why is it OK to force your will upon someone if your being generous.


If someone said no, and meant it, how long would it take before you hate them. Before you abandon them.

Regardless of context, can any of you accept stone refusing a gift? Or will you push and push will you get your way.


The best of intentions aside; I explain to you that I'm in pain, need time to think about it, feeling the guilt of failing at life and being empty handed, or even express how ridiculous some of these things are in price. Mind you $100 is life changing for me.

I have to explain myself. Otherwise, I'm sitting, in psychological agony, allowing others to do what they think will help. Yes, what they think will help a symptom of an incurable disease.


You see, here is where I fall apart.


They think they're helping. They think I will grow because of their generosity, while I face my limitations everyday. I have to explain to them I'm hopeless, sick and only getting sicker. There is no helping it, especially by material means.


Money or what it buys is no cure for mental illness or their symptoms.


Is it so unreasonable to ask someone to keep their money to prevent that pain? If I'm suffering, and I ask of you to please keep your gift, will you proceed anyway.


I have learned the greatest farce of all is treat others how you want to be treated. How could those two coincide, knowing how different we all are. Knowing how we so heavily preference every bit of our being.


So, if your surprised, I wouldn't force my will on people. But how I treated someone else, never translated to how I wanted them to treat me. No human alive has ever taken to heart something I did for them as a reference for my own temperament.


I have seen a dozen doctors. Diet exercise, meditation, hobbies, menial distractions as well. I get that it's unreasonable. I'm not asking for reason.


But if I can speak from reason at all;


If you refused a gift from me, I wouldn't force my will in you. Simple. No means no, right? Or am I hopeless.


What a problem to have, eh? Laugh away.

Sorry for typos/grammar

That sucks. While I can't really understand how you feel in your specific situation, I can understand the feeling of people pushing generosity to you, forcing you to accept, stealing your freedom of choice.

Personally. I hate people like that. I hate people that put me in situations where I'm obligated to do something that I had no intention of doing. Where I had no part in creating the scenario, but for me to back out of it, I'm the villain, and well they can't just let me be the villain can they? Next thing I know I'm somewhere doing something, getting something, spending time with people. That I honestly don't feel I have any connection with outside of forced interactions.

I can resonate with your desire for someone to simply understand. I think that's the best gift somebody can give, to simply be present and understand. I often wish that somehow that'd happen to me, that somebody would finally see past the crap, and truly understand. But I'm starting to think that's not possible anymore.

I don't think there's an answer to your problems, whatever they might be exactly. But I don't mind talking with you more if you are fine with talking with me.

Thank you for the response. Your empathy gives me relief.

Someone close to me, as stated, I couldn't accept their generosity and they couldn't accept my refusal.

The statement of "I fell apart" refers to an emotional and physical breakdown. That mental pressure, that guilt, pain - all seeps through, causing muscle cramps, digestion problems, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, panic, blind rage, and all manner of avolition.


To put it frankly, I turn back into a little screaming child, not having the understanding or acceptance of the pain of hunger, and having no wherewithal to care for itself.


This is not new - this is a common thing I experience without cause, though my brain loves to think of all the reasons why.

Simple, mundane tasks leave too much space for my brain to think. So simple tasks don't get done. My mind wanders as anyone elses during such a task - but the thoughts are all negative, self deprecating and so on. And these thoughts amplify that dull but constant pressure that this illness wraps me in.


And looking through as much objectivity as possible, remembering that the illness was there before the thought that threw me out of balance - I can calm down.


There's relief in that recognition, but that is a few layers too deep into the onion for others to see, understandably. So unfortunately, the other person involved was still seeing just the outer skin. The dead, flakey, rotting outer skin of the past.

When you grow up with someone, I believe it's hard to ever convince them you've changed. Its hard for them to hear the difference from the child they knew before you knew yourself. And if that is so, nothing you say will change that. I will always be the small weak mistake that they got to push around, just like good ol' dad... I digress,

This person's response to my refusal was just like back then. I aired my greivance, not once, not twice, but five times. I refused his generosity 5 times.


By the fifth time, I'm sure we were both annoyed. But I am weak. I've let people get away with imposing their will my whole life. It's just easier sometimes. Rather than having to repeat yourself to no end.


I accepted the gift.


And within a couple of weeks, that dull constant pressure grew sharp and unavoidable.


I aired my grievance once more (first mistake) albeit deep in the formerly described state of being, and where I expected (second mistake) his understanding, I was met with apathy.


I'm giving person, but more than that, I'm a forgiving person. I have forgiven this person for our youth. I've forgiven him time and time again, without one apology. He was the second worst bully in my life and I forgave him for it all yet found myself begging him to accept an apology of my own. Always apologizing for my illness. Always. Always. Always.


Because ultimately I felt hurt by him once more, after he adamantly insisted I accept his gift. I mustered up every ounce of gratitude I possibly could, and thanked him. Even though I was in pain. Even though I expressed my troubles.


Then he did something more, another attempt at generosity, but this time he didn't ask. Something thats far too complicated and would reveal too much anyway. Maybe all of it was his way of apologizing for our past without having to swallow his pride to actually say it.

But I'd forgiven him over and over again. If this is so, He didn't need to apologize in any manner. I only wanted to be a part of his life. Which for me is as little as one phone call a month, if that. That was enough for me, cause for all my hatred for the concept of family - I still care. I still have unwavering compassion. Again I digress,


But lets say all through your sickness you still search for something you can reasonably do. What wonder it is to find something and be able to measure your growth with it, see improvement, to work on something and feel like you're succeeding at it, feel like you're useful - all when a disease has brought failure with any other pursuit.

You've found something and you can manage it despite how utterly fucked you are mentally. You take pride in every tiny step you reach cause damn are you surprised you got there.

And just when your on the precipice of a milestone - someone else comes in and decides to do it for you, without consulting you. Your goal in mind was reached. You made it. Yet, such a bitter victory it was.


How petty can I be? Well when you find yourself having to accept many unreasonable limitations - then succeed at something, that's your fucking life. When you find something that makes you forget that dull constant pressure when you work on it...


I have been living in a bubble, out of sight and hopeful, paying mind only to the empathy of those such as yourself. It's been a long time since I experienced any stigmata against mental illness.


And when someone doesn't trust doctors - they don't trust your doctor either. Diagnosis or not.

And so I aired my grievance once more, for the additional generosity.

I will admit, I am not proud of it. I regret trying to get him to understand. His response was of disdain and mockery. And it only lead to me returning the blows. I was less than the person I knew myself to be. I really became what he saw me as, and proved him right that I'm a monster who deserves no generosity.


And to that he states that he has no time or capacity for someone so emotionally volatile. So I apologized again. And again.


A month later - with no word from him, I messaged him again with another apology. Trying to show that I understood what I did wrong, and not bother with what I felt he did wrong. Waving the proverbial white flag.

The response was unchanged. Disdain, and mockery. And used the words again "emotionally volatile" - which clicked in my head finally - to this person, mental illness doesn't exist. I have stated again and again to him that I suffer from this disease.

So he really just thinks I wanted to hurt him, and that the pain I feel isnt real, and is "all in my head" (quite fucking literally tho, but of course the phrase had a different meaning for the both of us)

and now I feel almost relieved that I don't have to keep forgiving him. After he again mentioned that he doesn't need someone like me around - I bent to the idea - and told him it's best we part ways for good.


Frankly, now we're both the same. I have no place in my life for someone like him, and he has no place for me. And that's ok.


I've given a final apology for my own sake so my brain can never say otherwise. And like it's been most of my life, the phone will just ring a bit less from now on. We were not so close that it's a devastating loss. But I am surprised and disappointed.

And afraid... This illness I have is labeled Hereditary among the rest of its attributes. I really really hope he can one day accept it - if only for his children.

I just want to start by saying you do an amazing job at explaining your emotions and what's going on in your text. It makes it easy to understand, or at least get close to how you are feeling. Just a thing that as a reader I really appreciate.

I'm gonna try and respond to your post in chunks (topic 1, topic 2, ect.) to just put my perspective on things, or how I feel about what you are talking about without jumping all over the place.


For starters, I've never had a mental illness or disorder before. At least not officially, if I've had one it was never diagnosed. I've had some issues and situations though, some in the past some still current, that have affected my mindset, my mentality, and my self projection a decent amount. That said, I don't believe my grievances amount to anything near yours so I'm not going to play it off as I understand what it's like to be in your shoes, cause I don't. I have had some experience with some constant dull pressure of negative thoughts, at least slightly, for a period of time (3-4 months) before, and based off that I can praise your strength.

"There's relief in that recognition"

This quote was a little phrase you said in your post that honestly, made me smile. I 100% agree with this, and can confidently say I know what you are talking about when you say this. In the few situations I've had, I always found a small amount of peace or relief in myself once I understood what was truly going on in my inner self. The situation wouldn't be over of course, but I'd feel like I could go on because I recognized what was (or at least what I thought) was happening.


If it's alright I'd like to ask what the milestone you were reaching was. I don't think it's petty to feel the way you did when the other person stepped in. I find myself feeling the same way over stuff but I don't even have a good reason. So I'm probably petty, but you have an arguable reason to feel how you feel so I don't think it's petty ya know? Bitter victories aren't my cup of tea, nor do I think their anyone else's. I hope you find something else you can work towards with the same vigor as the thing you described though. It sounds like it makes things a little brighter when you have that thing.


Now for this last part, I hope you can pardon me for being so frank. If you disagree with what I say, or how I feel, I understand. I don't know everything about you or the person you describe you interactions with, but I get a very stark impression about the other person's character that I want to voice.

I think the guy you've described your interactions with is an asshole, or worse. Usually I don't like to judge others too harshly, especially on those who I don't know personally. But I've done my fair share of being a PoS in the past, so I think it's a fair assessment.

I can understand them not getting the fact that you've changed, I've experienced that with people I know, and I don't put it against anyone who doesn't understand the changes you've undertook. It's not easy to lose previous impressions you've had for others, changing expectations or opinions can be rough, more for some than others, but that's not why I dislike him so much.

Ignoring the fact of the forced gift giving, one of the major things that bothered me right away was the apathy. I understand that relationships may be rough sometimes or that you've had major conflicts with someone, but I think being apathetical to someone else's grievances is one of the most unforgivable things. I'm not saying someone should always have to be a buddy support system for everyone they know, there's a line. But, to not show anything towards someone like that, to not attempt to understand, that ignorance, is one of the most scummy things somebody can do.

"His response was of disdain and mockery."

To hear that was his response to your attempt at making him understand, was angering. If you lashed out in response, I don't blame you. Obviously I can't say I totally support it, but I don't think I would've done anything different.

Despite how angering I found his response to your apology a month later to also be, I'm glad you did what you did. I think you did what was best for you, and all that matters.

A person like that isn't going to suddenly change for you, not when it doesn't outright benefit them to, and even if it did benefit them, and they did change, I don't think they'd have the right things at heart anyways. He might change later on down the road like you hope, I'd hope so too, but I think it will be a long while before that happens.

I'm glad you were able to come to the realizations you needed to about your situation with this person though. It's okay to split ways with people.

Finally, I don't think you are a monster undeserving of generosity. Frankly, I don't even think the person was being generous to you. Can you really even call forced gifts, gifts? They were forcing generosity on you, why exactly I don't know, but my guess would be it satisfied them in some way or another to have you accept their generosity, even if this acceptance came unwillingly. So I think you deserve generosity, just in the form of something that's actually generous like we were talking about before. You deserve somebody who understands you, how you feel, and are there for you in ways other than just supporting you with materialistic gifts.

I was happy to hear a response from you. I hope you are doing well.

I appreciate your response, again.

Yes I can be a self depricating. I've found myself leaning into my expectations of an other's perception when feeling hopeless. Trying to imagine that if this state of mind causes me a big enough problem, perhaps I'm not seeing things clearly.


And trying to show my teeth to the other involved, is a rather unhealthy method for letting go a little easier. Easier to move on when you're sure they've got the wrong idea about you.


The project I enjoyed working on was something that can be altered in such a way that it can still be done without fear of interference. Creative expression at it's core, so I've been exploring a lot of outlets.

During the trial of it and once all the above occurred, i tried to continue it, but the lasting stress and anxiety changed my ability to undertake the task in the same way. And that lead to an issue of its own that has more or less hashed itself out since - but overall proved to me that the task would prove more troublesome over a long period of time - being more difficult to maintain as it progresses.

So I've focused the energy elsewhere, back to music and art. This circumstance aside, i find it difficult to maintain many relationships.

Situations like this arise fairly often, but they usually end better, and I'm usually less at war with myself about it.

So thank you for hearing me out and giving me some clarity. It's helped a lot.

I'm glad you've been able to self reflect on your situation and are doing better now regarding everything that has happened.

I'm also happy you've found enjoyment in creative expression. I find the many forms of art to be some of the best things ever. Personally I love music and poetry.

I wish you well. I'll be around if you ever find the need to post again. See ya.