Posting this thread is taking the cowards way out because I've already identified half my issue (and what I should do with it). I think I'm just postponing actually dealing with it (the problem) by looking for confirmation online. Anyway, I might as well post so I can align my thoughts and hopefully get advice.

So, I recently got my tarot read by a friend and I decided to ask about what my weaknesses are. I don't recall the cards itself but it was pretty on point. One of the cards mentioned how I'm quite cowardly when it comes to my actions and I think that is true. I've noticed that I'm prone to overthinking and I don't want any form of confrontation, even when logically, it doesn't make sense to be scared of it. What's the worse that can happen— what's worse than purposefully ignoring the problem till it swells to magnitude proportions? If a third person is having this issue, I would have told them to 'do it anyway because based from past experiences, getting over the conflict sooner would give you less stress because you finally know what the outcome is, for better or for worse'. And yet, faced with this issue myself, all I can think of is that I can't. Hind brain wants to choose 'flight' every fucking time and it's steadily deteriorating my personal relationships.

Now, the actual problem I have is quite reoccurring. I keep on skimping out from any form of responsibility I should do, which got aggravated by this online learning thing. I already was quite inactive in social media before the pandemic, but I managed to keep up in class because that's an actual tangible space with actual tangible people that I am more terrified of to form a conflict with. Basically, there's no way out. Either I have to finish something or face palpable disappointment the next day. Now that said rigid structure is gone, I'm faced with my own incapability to "get my shit together" and just stop being conscious about it. By this I mean missed deadlines because I was unable to get a hold of myself. Or maybe, ghosting a team during an activity. Even typing that last one makes me wince. All I could think of is 'they're probably thinking I'm super shit and I'm a massive pain and oh my god can I just do this individually, fuck. I don't wanna check the chats.'

I don't really blame you for seeing this as a minor issue. Like I said, I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. Even now, I'm desperately trying to tell myself that ignoring the problem will make it worse, but I still don't want to open it (the conversations, anything). If you guys have any inputs or tips, it is greatly appreciated. Or not. I just wanted someone to talk to. I'm just tired of staying on the same problem or flaw and I'm discouraged because every time I start to think I'm over the issues of this stupid brain of mine, I cycle back to self-sabotage again. I seem to never be able to do anything right.

I sadly cant give you any real advice on what to do about this, im struggling with it myself in certain situations all the time. From my experience its something you can never really get rid of, its simply a part of your personality. But you can always improve things, just remember to take small steps at a time. And dont be too harsh to yourself :)