Hi, I don't know what to write but I will only say what I'm thinking Since my childhood, I have always felt a sense of emptiness or that I am different from others But I did not pay attention to it, but with the passage of time, that feeling became more and more Because I do not enjoy anything like the rest of my peers and do not find happiness in anything, and soon I hope from my friends I do not feel anything I am not happy or sad I lived like this until fifth grade, which was the year I would know that I really didn't feel anything My father died this year, but when I heard the news, I did not I show any reaction and feel even a degree of sadness It was then that I knew that I was different from the others and decided to create another character in me to show To people I leave my true personality inside me and not show it to anyone I continued like this until the year my mother passed away My mother was suffering from hemiplegia for nearly four years, and in her final months she could no longer speak A week before her death, she was transferred to the hospital because her condition had become serious and she vomited an almost black substance That day I was playing basketball, and when I came back I found her in that condition, but I did not show any reaction and went to take a bath.When I got out, I heard some cries from my aunt towards me You say in it that I am the reason for what happens to my birth, and if I die, I will be the reason And I coldly said to her, "Okay."I was surprised by my reaction and was unable to speak and rushed my mother to the hospital I used to visit her sometimes, but I had no desire to do so, but the day before her death I really wanted to visit her, and that was the first time I felt something and the last time, but my aunt did not want me to go and said a silly excuse. She is the best fit to go because she can change her clothes better than me I stayed at home The next day I woke up to the sounds of crying to hear "Your mother died" The first thing that came up in my fat was what was the cause of death. I did not cry, nor did I show any reaction as usual But I was surprised by the tears coming down from my eyes that contradict my feelings I started talking like fools and tears coming from my eyes I attended the funeral, but I was wearing headphones so as not to hear their nonsense and annoying crying
Now I still do not feel anything and no remorse But when I raised a cat, I felt some warm feelings but noticed that they were starting to disappear A question in my greasy was that if this cat died, would I feel something and if I killed it with my hand would my conscience permit? I tried several times to kill him, and it did not succeed But about a month ago, I strangled her with these two hands, and I did not feel anything as expected I told my relatives that he died with the poison of what our neighbor fed him
I know this is not normal and I still hide my true self behind innocent smiles
If any of you knows the reason for how I feel or why I am like this, then tell me that I can no longer hide the monster inside me anymore.

Hello there stranger! I see your situation as truly unique, well at least to me. The reasons you are like this are beyond me, though it most likely is from a form of mental illness that seems to have been affecting you your whole life and has been left undiagnosed. Your brain is probably processing information vastly different from the average, though it would seem from your unconsciousness as to why you feel the way you do that no one has informed you on this. I could not tell you what your illness is since I have no degree to diagnose this, so I'd suggest you go to a therapist as soon as possible. This is clearly abnormal behavior and could lead to serious damage without your own knowledge if not treated/handled correctly. Until you can go see one, well, even after, try to refrain from hurting anyone/anything. I am aware that your mind may not be able to process it fully (though I bet you understand to a degree), but those actions are considered wrong and it kinda hurt reading some of the things written here, for both you and your animal companion's sake. I could bet that this condition could have a little to do with the past traumas you've described and you may be unaware of that factor too but subconsciously that could be part of it. I really don't know, you are quite an interesting case, and my best advice is to see a therapist and a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

Hey pal, sorry for the late reply.

First of all, I’d like to say that there’s nothing wrong with you! Don’t phrase the headline of your thread like a yes/no question – there is no such thing as normal or abnormal and it’s ethically impossible for people to categorize each other like that. The important thing is that you’re aware of your problems and that you took the first step: to reach out for help. There are a lot of unhappy people in this world who want to change their lives or themselves, but could just not find the resolution to do this first single step.

Second, I agree with Sephtis that you should definitely seek advice from a mental health professional, because most likely no one here will be able to give you the kind of support that you seek, need and – most importantly – that you deserve. It’s not because we don’t want to help you, but because we’re lacking the experience in this field and anything we say to you could traumatize you even more. Also, there is a high chance that psychologists and therapists know similar cases. Sometimes, they can give you the contact to some kind of support group where you can meet people in a similar condition and hear from them about their own experience so far. This can help you even more than therapy itself, because you can gain a feeling of being understand (from people who actually understand) and of not being alone from these sessions.

However, finding a good therapist can be exhausting. I don’t know in what country you live and how the health system there works. I know neither if you have to pay for professional advice, nor if you can afford such treatment. But if you have this option, I highly recommend you so. You may also have to try out different therapists. They vary in professional competence, so please don’t get frustrated over a few bad experiences. If you find a good one, it will definitely be worth it.

If this still is not an option, you can do a little google research about your symptoms and maybe you find someone who is going through the same right now or went though it in the past. YouTube also has some good videos on psychology by now, which might aid you understanding yourself further. But be aware of trolls, false information and all of this stuff as well… Critical thinking is a blessing in a lot of situations…

Last but not least, you can always return to this page and take a look at the replies. Maybe there is someone here who can completely relate, but still hasn’t find this thread.

Best regards ^^