So I've been crying myself to sleep for quite a while now. Sometimes, it's about my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes, it's about academics. Most of the time, it's just my head messing with me. I've been thinking of committing suicide for years now, although I've been getting by somehow thanks to anime and manga. I've also tried joining school clubs and organizations to try to connect to other people. I spent a year or two teaching my juniors topics they had a hard time dealing with to get things out of my mind. But lately, things are getting worse. I often find myself messaging my closest friends about my problems. I can't talk to my family about the problems I'm facing because it's more of a don't-show-your-weakness kind of household. Things are also rocky between me and my siblings. My relationship with my boyfriend is not going smoothly too.

I've tried my best connecting to other people and helping others because I thought it would be fulfilling. But I don't think I gained anything significant by doing those. I feel sad, empty, angry, and confused. I'm at a loss for quite some time now and before I know it, I'm already crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to feel and I have no idea what to do. All I know is that things are getting bad again. Anime and manga may not save me this time, who knows.

I'm posting here because I feel like I needed to get this out of my system. And I think I'm bothering friends a lot more recently, when I'm aware that they, too, are having a hard time. I just want to exist peacefully.

I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend ghosted me for 6 months and it’s been a living hell, I had so much time to think that I started to hate myself and even tried to kill myself but god wouldn’t let me die. Even my friends left me, they saw me change and didn’t like it so they left, instead of support I got bullied and left alone to rot away. My hate grew and grew and now I absolutely hate humanity. I don’t want you to turn into what I have, that’s why I’m sharing all of this, all my emotions don’t exist anymore and I’m surprised I haven’t gone off and killed someone yet. So keep trying to communicate with others, do everything you can to hold onto who you are, don’t turn into what I have become, if you don’t it will only gets worse.

I just don't know what to feel with communicating with other people anymore. I had this once very close friend of mine (let's call him R) a few years ago. We kinda drifted apart all of a sudden and then I found out that R has a girlfriend. Of course, as a friend, I'd want to cheer him on. We may have drifted apart all of a sudden, but I do want to support the people I got close to. Things got a little messy here and there, and we stopped talking altogether but I still support them. Then just a few weeks ago, I received hate messages and mild threats from someone I didn't know. Turns out this someone was R's mother, and I don't have any idea why things got to that. R chose to ignore me, especially when he got a girlfriend (I totally respect that), and we didn't talk since. But now, I'm getting hate messages from his parents and his family all of a sudden? I asked my other friends what was going on and why was I being attacked out of nowhere. My friends told me that R accused me of slandering his girlfriend.

I asked our common friends what was happening because I was so busy with academics and my health. It turns out that R has been talking bad things behind my back ever since he got a girlfriend. I have nothing against the girl, I'm just confused about how easily he turned against me. And when I thought it was just between me, him, and all of my friends, I found out that he and his family have been talking nasty about me in social media.

I love my friends, and I'd like to give them my utmost support for as long as I live. But experiencing this kind of thing makes me think otherwise. And I'm not so sure anymore. My friends have always been my go-to when I face problems. Realizing they can do this kind of thing to me just makes me think that they're no better than my family. And I'm just getting scared(?) of connecting to anyone again.

sigh relationship advices huh

since you are a girl you have more difficulties dealing with your stuff lets see

>having problems with R
im kinda slow procesing things but far i understood, you need to let go that friendship, if you can call it friendship because the things that R is doing, are bad because no one friend does that to his friend, my guess is that R is crazy / he hates you for A) he had a crush on you B) his mother influenced him and now he wants to leave his companion C) his girl has the same issue with his mom but more territorial , but maybe she truly hates you, or D) simply his mom is the mastermind but since i lack context, i could side on his mom / girlfriend side, because one of them truly hates you, you dont need to do something significative or important to gain the hate of someone, simply they can hate you by your attitudes, hobbies, or apareance ( broken english)

gather friends or people of your trust and seek higher help or people whos could be the key point to erase nonesense hate and live a normal life BECAUSE YOUR STUFF ISNT NORMAL

TL;DR gather true friends and seek help, teachers or even your parents

>B having problems with your BF

(warning mild language i hope you understand hehe, its like i express myself)

first
why you have problems with your BF? how old are you, under 18, or +18 or above? why is so hard for you to the grade of suicidal things, like threatening yourself mentally? is that really a relation because far as i read even with i lack context, i can feel that relationship isnt good? you love him so much even if you suffer for it? is worth suffer for him? you need break with him, that isnt a relationship, a relationship means a fine and understandable relationship, you have a problem there permiting such thing, something isnt fine

second
doing and enjoying your hobbies is fine, thats the healing of your sadness but, if that doesnt fills you or satisfaces you, maybe means that someone or something is trilling you or hauting you , you need to seek the problem, if the problem is the BF JUST BROKE WITH HIM REALLY that is killing you inside

how i can put this? before trying seeking and gathering friends, you need to ask yourself
AM I FINE? what problem i have to suffer that much? why i cant be happy? idk im sleepy af and im autistic
filling yourself at the cost to be codependent ( like beign dependent of beign surrounded of friends of people) is a bigger mistake because people is ephimeteral, that is a double edged sword, as it benefits you as it affects you because you become dependient of them and friends you can make it easy and lose them easy, so give a look inside you and try to fix yourself alone, starting with depresion is a pain i know, but if you can beat it at the start you can overcome yourself because isnt fully developed yet, you can stop it and continuing walking foward
another advice: isnt fine sharing your problems to all your friends, because they can get angry at you, because if you share them but you doesnt do something for repair it, they get angry because you are " HURR DURR IM SUFFERING" and that becomes it as a burden later, only pick a few friends of trust

SO GIRL, FIND THE PROBLEM, WORK ON IT, TRY TO FIX IT, ENJOY YOUR HOBBIES, DONT LET DEPRESION DROWN YOU, YOU CAN DO IT, if you beat it and earn confidence in yourself, everything will change

PD: get a strong aura or attitude, because society is harsh, and the strong eats the weak, like become a strong and good version of yourself

YOU CAN DO IT hahah

It's been a while since I opened this thread. I kinda managed through the past few months by drowning myself in Granblue Fantasy (Seeds of Redemption story event helped me get through A LOT of things, so I thank Nehan and Seox from the bottom of my heart).

>>4
Well, R had a crush on me years ago. I didn't really take this too seriously because I initially only got that info from his friends back then. I remember his friends (not mutual) were always joking about how R liked me. I had a crush on someone else that time so I didn't entertain hearsays like that unless the person actually confessed to me. There were people who confessed to me back then, which I politely turned down as I was hella fixated on someone else; R wasn't among those people. I also never hid the fact that I liked someone else. Everyone who would ask me if there's anyone I liked, I would always drop the name (it never bothered my crush though since he told me it was fine to like him. I was completely rejected though after 6 years 'cause he saw me as nothing but a little sister). R never flat out told me that he liked me throughout the years I was fixated on my crush. He only confessed to me when his friends FORCED him to (his friends were dragging him to me at the time). I don't take things that were forcefully done seriously.

Back to present timeline. I didn't even know the identity of R's girlfriend. lol All I knew was that he had a girlfriend and that's it. How am I to slander someone I don't even know? Ahahahahaha I didn't even know when and how they got together. I accept the fact that there's been a rift between us and I don't think that's fixable now (he blocked me, btw). What boggles me is that his family attacked me with threats 2 YEARS after the slandering issue. What's worse, R claimed that I was posing as him using a different FB acc around 2 months ago. I didn't know this poser issue. I only found out when I opened a group chat with our mutual friends telling me to stop posing as R (I told them I didn't have any time for that as I was busy racking my head with statistical mechanics and quantum physics/chemistry).

I understand that he may doing this because he hates me (but he should've let go because he has a girlfriend anyway). But whatever he's claiming that I "did", that's just slander/libel. I'm fine with this relationship never being mended again, I just don't want to bring this to court because it's so petty.

P.S. I live in a don't-show-your-weakness type of household. My parents and siblings were NEVER able to help me with these kinds of problems ever since I was young. They even ridiculed me for showing weakness in front of them. I also tried to reach out to my teachers before but they all brushed me off/turned me away.

>>5
I have made things straight with my bf already. Yay <3

Anyways, I'm 20+ and my suicidal thoughts have been haunting me since elementary. I don't remember what triggered it, though. Disagreements with my bf and even more academic pressure were just piling up to stress me out. I study the same program as him, so as much as I am stressed with acads, so is he. I understood that. My other relations (i.e. with R, R's friends, etc.) were all adding to the academic stress that I was feeling that I'm barely able to keep my sanity intact. My relationship with my bf was rocky a few months ago because I talk to him about my non-acad problems. He ought and wanted to help me (he's doing that now), but we're both struggling with acads back then so WE didn't have the capacity to handle more stress. He was also diagnosed with mild depression around that time. So it wasn't that he was making things difficult for me; it was just that the circumstances were against us. He couldn't talk about his problem to me because I was stressed with my own problems, and I couldn't do the same. We end up fighting every time we opened a non-acad topic back then because "we still have to submit this and that, and talking about that now will eat both our time". We've been working on this since then, and I think we're making progress.

Me and my bf had stopped teaching our juniors now (we taught them back then as a way to review the lesson) to focus on self time and work on communication. We're also looking for other ways to relax emotionally and mentally like playing games or studying things that are way out of our academic discipline. I'm still having suicidal thoughts every now and then, but I'm able to enjoy things again.

P.S. Honestly, it's very nice to have this kind of platform. I find it easier to articulate my thoughts here so I can just let everything out. Posting here, reading threads, and opening group chats are kinda refreshing. Dollars people, you rock! <3

I am very sorry about this. Emotions can be very difficult to manage.