I sometimes wonder whether I'm actually mentally ill or I'm just faking it. Whether I'm just lazy to do my responsibilities, and just fake my illness to get away from it. Though I also do wonder, is laziness enough reason that I'm sometimes considering or actually doing self-harm?

I've always had suicidal thoughts for over 15 years now (I'm 22), but last year was the first time I actually did self-harm. It's actually pretty scary during and after doing it. Like I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I just... Can't bother to stop. I don't feel good about it (like others say that it gives pleasure or something), but it is taking my attention over doing anything else. Makes me question if it's my way of procrastinating hahaha.

I'm just tired of myself. I'm tired of schoolwork. I'm tired of worrying about my other responsibilities (like as club leader or event organizer) which I've ignored for months due to stress.

I'm tired of my parents forcing me to continue the semester because "it's better you're homeschooled right now, it's easier and you can do things your time" when I really feel that I'm not okay at all. I'm scared of myself while doing schoolwork because there's been a time I was doing an online quiz, took a knife and began trying to slice myself while answering the quiz like it's normal. And the worst thing is that my parents know about it (not the full details), but they just said "calm down, you can do it (finish the semester)" as if it's that easy.

I'm tired of getting reprimanded for being lazy when I'm not. Like when I open my phone/pc to check schoolwork, then they say "you're playing games again". Or when I have a deadline so I didn't do my chores right away, then I got called a useless child.

I'm tired of being myself and being lazy, playing games just to occupy my mind with anything other than my responsibilities. I'm tired of oversleeping because I'm not in the mood to do anything at all.

I'm tired. I'm scared of myself. I just want everything to stop.

Hey, I'm making the transition from virtual public school to homeschool next week, and while I have never committed self-harm or attempted suicide, I have helped people that have and the idea occurs more and more in my head all the time, so I know it's hard to fight. In fact, that's the first time I've ever admitted that I think about it as much as I do. There is nothing wrong with you, and while you are tired of playing games to keep from thinking about self-harm, fighting for your health often makes people tired. What I mean is doing something to keep from harming yourself is fighting for your health, wellbeing, and ultimately, your life. I applaud you for that. I have to do homework now, but I hope you respond, or that I helped a little. You matter.

I get this. I've never been pushed to the point of self-harm, but I've been in a slump countless of times. I understand being tired. I get tired. I know that I lose motivation to do work, reach deadlines seemingly faster than anyone else. I stop working. I can't think of anything but work and yet I can't just sit down and get it done. I understand what that feels like. I get tired of binging shows, playing games, listening to music, being alone with myself inside my head, the voice in my head constantly nagging at me, work, work. Work. Work. Work. Work. It floods my thoughts, it echoes in my brain and I can't get it to stop. My father doesn't speak to me much these days, he knows I slack off on my work, but he leaves me alone with my head, my brain scolding me for longer and more harshly than my father ever could. I don't speak to him much either anymore. I realised the voice wouldn't stop, so I gave up on trying to make it stop. Instead I let if flood me with other words, other emotions, other thoughts to let me feel alive again. Romance, dreams, fantasies. Making a new friend, be it online or irl, focussing on physical health, exercise, learning a new language are reviving an old hobby, something to put your absolute soul into. These are the things that occupy my mind now. The things that I forced into my life to drown out the voice telling me to work... and now I manage work. Sure, I'm not ahead of everyone else like I used to be, sure, I may fall behind every now and then, but an odd day will come where I catch up on work, do what I need to do... and the only thoughts on my mind are that of my next meal, a conversation I had with a friend I had recently made, a youthful romance, my next workout. It's not easy to take just one step, especially when the destination could either be the ladder upwards or the bottom of a cliff. But leaping without looking back can be the most refreshing thing for your mind. If you're tired of yourself, your parents, your work, try to let everything else occupy your mind.

Thanks to both of you for replying 🙂 It means a lot for me. I've decided I'll try to start getting my life in order. Slowly but surely (definitely "slowly", not even sure about "surely"...). I hope everything goes well for me and to you both and for everyone else. Really really thank you for taking the time to read and reply to me.

hey i totally get what your talking about. I also cut my self 3 times on both arms, and it really hurt. Find someone, even if its a pandemic. Find someone who can help you. The dollars will always give you advice.