how to stop the pain? how to stop the endless feeling of depression? i've been antisocial for a while now with friends.. family.. and i think this is even damaging my boyfriend.. i'm freaking out.. i don't want to be like this. I feel i need new friends.. people who understand and get me. Most of my friends seem ok but for some reason i had to feel this way and isolate myself every time.. i'm beginning to hate myself for this.. how do i fix myself?

Sometimes we shut down when we're not living true to ourselves. Much of my live has been lead by the whims and wants of others and often I am left with less than promised. These days I live more for myself, which might be selfish- but it keeps me alive. I concern myself more with my own needs than the needs of others. I was always convinced I'd only be happy in service to others and the more I sacrificed the more depressed I became. I wonder now if it never made me happy because I only wanted to feel good about helping, as opposed to magically never considering there's a benefit to helping others and wanting to take advantage of that.

I look back now and realize i don't know anything about myself. I always put me aside even though I often portrayed myself with confidence and self love to others so it would seem like helping was no burden. I convinced even myself that i was gaining energy and willpower by helping when I was actually depleting energy and riding off dopamine like chasing a high when helping people... Well it must sound silly but over time it did more damage than good. At this point i must have hurt more people that I have helped... But im still here so there's time to learn to love myself and learn what i need and discover what makes me, at the very least, tolerant of the coming days.

Many of my relationships have fallen out, most of it my own fault, and there are many days I hate myself for letting them down. But there are a few people I still have now that just happened to stick around through years and years of my b.s. I may have met thousands of people, like anyone else.. Only a few stick around.

Its ok to seek out those who will understand. Its ok to part with others and it doesn't have to be on bad terms or permanent.

It's also not horrible to isolate. There are so many social normatives that are detrimental to certain people. And its just expected for us to follow through and bare the burden like everyone else did. Well i'll attest that many of us feel like you do. Outliers exist when we're put on a spectrum- but were nit so much outliers anymore. There are a lot of us. and we're expected to meet the average understanding with grace and acceptance; because for average people those needs are met with minimal effort. And goodness dont dare expect them to hear you out before you've listened first...

I'm a bit of a black sheep in my family for dismissing such cultural values that would earn me [house, car, kids, property, credit cards, salary, religious devotion, etc] and its difficult for them to understand that I simply do not desire these things. So either I live with shame for their sake and work myself nearly into suicide, so they feel better about themselves and don't have to lie that their spawn has failed at life.( And personally I cant just lie to them and say 'im great, life is good, yes work good, oh yes school is great' and nothing changes if you say you're horrible. Its just a different series of responses and questions that are overused and unhelpful and leave you feeling worse and the other person more stubborn in their misunderstanding of what's best for you... ) or stop caring so much about people that just want control over you and start living for you.


Frankly, I don't know what stops the pain, and I know a lot of us understand what that's like, which is why some of us might be afraid to respond, because it takes a lot of work just to get neutral. Its all pain and suffering and we're either suffering for the right reasons or the wrong ones. Either we suffer growing or we suffer in atrophy.

And its hard to get there with certain patterns in your life that will lead you back into this self-loathing.

That pattern could be the way a family member responds every time you try to express your ailment. They could be dismissive and arrogant as if to tell you what you feel as mine have done to me. They act like there is nothing wrong with you and no reason to be so upset and you want to believe them so you go years and years never sure why your thoughts turn to wildfire every other hour. That can leave you to be so very desperate when it would be best to consider there is something out of place and change must be enacted.

It could be a thought that you must flip on its head. It could be a person that must be removed from your life, so you can follow through with the questions they answer for you with their limited understanding. Perhaps an action that you repeat which you believe gives you peace but in fact prevents you from healing. It could be genetic. It could be from a past trauma. Too much sugar or salt could set your brain off. Not enough water. An Iron supplement and a B vitamin complex might help you tremendously. ( Sometimes a prescription medication is necessary but not always. Get a second opinion ion if you see a doctor so they dont just overload you with meds making things worse. )

There are many factors at play and many of us never get the time to learn enough about ourselves. Hopefully you can change that. You don't have to believe everything that you've been told is best for you. You don't have to want what other people want for you. If they want to hold it against you that their answers aren't what makes you feel better, then let them be disappointed. If they don't want to take the time to accept and understand what you are feeling- they don't deserve you.

Hope this helps.

Hello, thank you for your response, i was hoping u answered my question. I've seen you for a while now in here and you always seem to comfort people. The truth is, i have to do a blood test to make sure if this is some sort of iron deficiency or vitamin shit, or else i have psychological depression which i am very scared of.I find it difficult to recover enthusiasm in things i like, or desire. Some days are good some are really bad but i'm trying to be ok. I hope you have a nice day too.

I truly hope it is so simple as a vitamin supplement.

Update us once you have the results back.
I would be happy to hear from you again.

Try becoming a plumber! Ever since I've become a plumber I've found a great deal of satisfaction in life. Even sitting at home on the computer like I do every night I feel like life is generally more worth it. If you can't become a plumber full time, try doing something like redoing the pipes in your home. If you have copper, replace it with pex or vice-versa.

Hey spybot. Been a couple weeks, thought id bump you- any updates?

Hey omverse, thank you for checking on me. I did my exam and i'm waiting for the results. Today i feel very bad honestly. My cat passed away and he was the most lovely cat i've ever had. I'll reply when i got the results. I hope you are doing well.

Also.. omverse.. would you like to be my friend? This quarantine I've been thinking i want to make new friends.

Hey spybot. Hope you're doing alright, I'm sorry to hear about your cat, that's rough.
What's your medical system like where you're from? Here in AUS you can get a Mental Healthcare Plan from your GP and get 10 subsidised counselling sessions a year, if you've got anything similar where you live I'd recommend looking into it if you haven't yet. Best of luck.

Hey, thank you for reading my post. I'm still very sad about it and i'm thinking i should talk more about the things that happen to me. I live in Argentina, i actually got a therapist (i've been doing therapy since im 9yo or so) but this quarantine got me sinking on my own thoughts and isolation. Ofc i'm concerned about this me and my T. I think the reason why i kinda have a hard time talking about things is bc my older friends are the type that make jokes about everything.. i feel i need new people that surround me with honest thoughts. I hope i can heal myself faster.

Hi spybot, I feel like I understand a bit what's going on and the fact of wanting to do new friends is absolutely fine because one thing is have someone to chit chat maybe, but another thing is having someone who can complement you or understand you. The second one is more difficult with the people near to you but being honest, I would like to be your friend and know more about you to try to help or at least distract you ^^.

I'm from Chile, so at least we can clearly chat with each other hahahah.

(Btw is my first time replying a post, hope I'm doing it fine @-@)

Hey Hellixer. Finally a fellow neighbor from latin america! Thank you for your reply, i would like to be your friend too :)
Are you a new user in the Dollars? We could contact each other and private chat on the Drrr Lounge chatroom. Maybe set a certain day and hour, and meet there. Also anyone reading this post can join. Idk, sounds fun. Have a great day.

I'm a very old user who used to came here 7 years ago hahah, so I still remember some things like create chatrooms ^^

I'll make one at 23:00 tomorrow and today just in case you see this early hahah. We share the same hour so isn't a problem.

See ya soon, have a nice day ^^

Hey! Nice to hear people is still searching this site these days. Luckily i'm checking reply's very often. I'll see you there today. I'm guessing the chatroom name is gonna b the same as yours or so, if not please let me know :)

/update/ of my current situation. The results of my exam showed that the values of both vitamin D and T4 are a bit low. That may cause me to be tired sometimes and maybe lose enthusiasm on stuff. My doctor decided to do a further test checking on some more important things that may be causing the way i feel in general.

Sorry for late response. Ive been busy with a new project. Might help me move and find a good doctor myself. A new friend is always welcome, but im better a stranger than a friend, if im to be honest. Either way I've made lifetime friends here before so who is to say you wont be one of them.

I'm sorry about your loss, and also glad that your doctors are making sure you're ok or figuring out why you arent.

It's really ok. May i know, what are you working on? I'm sure you've been busy. Also, friendship is up to you too! It's been rough weeks but i'm slowly getting better. I hope everything works out !!

working on bug testing a game. taking a lot of focus. my nametag and dot dollars @ gmail dot com is my dollars specific email if you want a more direct line to chat.

Nice to hear about you! I'll write. Promise.