Hi, I'm Rodolfo. I don't really know where to begin this thing, because mostly I don't know anything anymore. Everything is quite a pain-in-the ass these days, especially in these times, I got laid off my job and everything kinda sucks as the way it is now. I just hope that there's something rewarding in the end, but it seems unlikely. So now I devoid myself, actually don't know what to do, I feel shit and with no other value. I once valued myself as someone who generates money for my mother, who actually has meaning, now that I don't have a job, I feel worthless, and my mom is adding to that feeling making me feel worthless giving me this cold look of disappointment and sarcastic comments, also comparing me to other kids out there.

I actually have a "job" right now with my boss friend in his studio, I am a graphic artist and do logos and stuffs, but I don't even know if I'll get paid or what, I made six logos now (esports, illustration, etc.). I am very shy of asking him when is my pay or something, because in the flesh Im somewhat of a coward, a happy introvert who is always laughing, i think people might think that I have no problems, since in the surface Im always smiling and happy and goofing myself, but actually I just wanna die, I pray everyday that something will kill me naturally without me knowing. Because I'm a coward, I can't really kill myself because i have a phobia of pain and blood, so I just pray for something to kill me unknowingly. God please kill me, I don't really care anymore, I don't really care if you put me to hell, I just wanna get out of here already.

I don't know who to speak up actually, everybody thinks I'm happy and trying my best. In facebook I post silly stuffs that makes me laugh, share memes, and sometimes posting my artwork currently working on a portfolio. But honestly it's a facade, I try to cope up myself in making my portfolio in art, cause i don't have a decent portfolio, and whenever I apply for job in art I didn't get accepted, it always hurt my feelings. Probably im shit at this art, but i don't know actually because the clients feedback whenever I finish a work in my boss's studio always has great feedback. I just thought it's because of marketing or something, my boss has a lot of likes in his studios facebook page, so many clients come in often to them artist who has a lot of likes. Me? heck I don't even got likes on my art posts even from friends, I think they think that I'm just flexing my art capabilities but reality I don't, I actually need there support but i don't get likes to have some publicity so that clients come in, its sad honestly. I pity myself.

In my very day life i kinda disregard my health now, I eat spoiled food, I pick up food whenever they somehow fall to the ground and eat it, I keep eating fatty foods, stress working, not sleeping on time, just so someday I could have a disease that may potentially kill me, and end this. Im actually nearing to have a high blood pressure, maybe I could have a heart attack someday. I actually know a high number of people, people look at me goofy and energetic, just some shallow friendship here and there, I always thought what people would think if I die...

I can't speak up to anyone, not even my parents. My mom has this personality of being nice when you earn money, and cold death stare when you're not. My father's not here anymore, he's gone being rich by himself. My relatives don't give a shit, my friends will just scoff off when I say my problems, i smile there hurting.

I wanna say my what my dream is actually, i always wanted to be a concept artist for like, Disney or something. But now I just want to end it, I want God to end me, Lord if you're hearing this,i don't care if you take me to hell or something, I just wanna get out of here.

First you stopped being a coward the moment you wrote this, I don't how to comfort you nor solve your problem but since I'm an artist like maybe I can help you a little ?

you said your artwork don't get noticed and you to work as a concept artist in a good company so for this matter i think the place that you share your art at isn't good so post at these places not just one of them all of them:
Art station (this place is mostly for concept art and 3d and environment art and hopefully it't close to your art style )
Instagram & Twitter (in case you didn't put it there yet)
Behance (this is the perfect place for graphic design/artist)

The portfolio matter if keep saying I'll do this for the portfolio you'll reaaaaally stress yourself a lot and you don't need anymore stress, so instead try to partispet in events or a challenge with someone or a competition and either you win or not the artwork you made for those will make your portfolio more powerful, you don't have to fill it you only have to put art you love not forced

And your mother even when she gives you the cold death stare she really really need to actually understand what you feel and what she makes you feel your not a coward anymore you do it, tell her you need to talk with her with a serious matter and explain if she still not understand try again with a different approach.

And if your friend don't care about you not listening to you not supporting you, stop talking to them they are not your friend not in the slightest, stop faking your laugh if anyone of them asked what's just tell them "you know" and leave bc asking that will only mean that they never listened and you don't have to listen either.

Don't ruin your health that's will worsen yourself even more, so maybe maybe try making a healthy schedule if haven't already making small changes can help improve yourself. ^^

Your dream is actually close to mine ^^ I wanna work with a company like Disney or Pixer as a 3d animator so don't give up on it you're still alive so beat whose in your way cuz you got this you really do don't yourself bc you need yourself right now so supporting yourself might be your first step! I hope I helped and I wish to hear what happened to you later if you feel comfortable sharing it and that you are still alive.

participate* Oops