I don't know how to start this but I just want to get it off my chest. I'm so tired of being me. I'm not sure where I am going at this point. I'm starting to think I don't have an identity. I'm stuck in the past, I'm the same as I was several years ago. I'm not changing. Frankly, I don't feel alive. There's no use moping around, I know. I don't feel hopeless, but rather I don't feel anything at all at this point.

Sorry deleted post was me I went way off base.

It's almost like we're waiting for certainty that the future is there for any purpose we could assign to ourselves. A guarantee that it will have its' course in time. And most of us identify with that purpose. But now many of us feel as empty as you do. Stuck without progress, tinkering at our material world while our emotional and spiritual selves remain dormant, or so we think.

We grow up in the belly of a beast not created by us and we are told to accept it and are given a multitude of ways to improve it under the guise of purpose. I have become unsure that the foundations that were laid for us are stable enough to support us all.

We are told to have faith in the promise of the future when its threatened every day. Our idols are selfish. Our leaders are selfish. And we are forced to do the same because there are fewer mean to survive. Our identities and purposes are listed for us to choose from when there are no real limitations. We take unsuitable roles to sustain the progress of the dreams and greed of others who will in turn pay us what we hope is enough to progress our own dreams and yet the result is simply the perpetuation of the future as an idea and our past becomes the only thing we have left to learn from- the only promise left that we might grow from.

We are told to learn from the past but how many that say such a thing ever act on it. The present is burning away the future while our memories betray us.

There are so many of us that feel just the very same as you described. And its so difficult to understand such a thing as the self let alone becoming something we can be happy with.

That's why we come together here, to share our plights, our joys, and our dreams, and perhaps find one another working towards the same goal.

We all hope to find an understanding of ourselves within each other, and vice versa. We hope there can be someone out there to breathe life into us.. Not many are brave enough speak up about such hopes. I often struggle with the courage to accept any part of myself. And I only ever look forward to understanding it. What ever it is that compels me to remain as something I despise, because the past only seems to solidify those aspects of myself, no matter what angle I look at it from I can never prevent myself from the same words and actions that got me here. I still make the same mistakes. I still remain so much myself when i thought id be so much more by now.

But the mind can be deceitful, carrying on a narrative that is not necessarily true, a rhetorical monologuing in filibuster of the heart's true voice, patiently preparing its turn to speak.

There is something very stale about the material world but our emotional selves are communing. There is something growing within us that has, in such a strange way, demanded our stagnation to support its gestation.

There was once a promise for a future, but now its up to us to fulfill that promise ourselves and turn away from idols who hoard what our earth is carved to create. Too many more of us starve and we're beginning to feel that pain whether we see it or not. It's something of an emotional evolution. Many of us are feeling drained, lifeless, halted as if time wasn't meant for us. We soon come to see we can't have peace in ourselves until all are at peace together, we cant feel alive nor live one while others' lives are taken from them for power and profit.

It takes all of us to believe in each other, and not doubt that we are here to provide and share our lives and joy together. It takes all of us to believe we can survive and find joy together without leaving less for others, and without destroying what's left of the future.

You see, I've given too much and yet taken so much more in the pursuit of understanding what i am here for, which is why i can't doubt this. I've done good in this world but I've done much worse and have to believe i can make up for it and that my life won't be more pain than joy when this vessel can no longer support the hopes of what I could become before they have their place in time. I've accepted much about the futility of life and finding an identity was something I gave up looking for. But I can find peace at least in bring some understanding to another.

I say all this because you have to believe there are other beings pursuing exactly what you hope for. You can find life again, but you can't do it alone. None of us can. It's only a matter of time anyway, before we find each other and all of us find peace and fulfillment.

Ironic.. It seem almost inevitable that there is only ever room to speak where those who already understand reside.. Perhaps that's enough.

Godspeed, mate.