So, it's been a hot minute since I've posted my troubles here. I know this past year has been shit for everyone. The USA is falling right at the seams and the world around us as we know it is crumbling. But I don't know where to go about this (kind of) third world problems like mine. I'm 20 years old. I just had a baby boy in December. I had to have a Cesarean section. Super fun! But before I could even see my son turn a week old, I had to go back to the hospital. There, I almost died and ended up in the ICU. The symptoms I had are exactly the same as COVID. They chopped it up to pneumonia and a UTI from the catheter for birth (gross I know), but they never really knew what it was. Fast forward a few months and I was lucky to be alive! A couple months ago, I got a call from my brother who never calls me. "Mom and dad are in the hospital." The last time I saw them was 10 am that morning. I gave them a half-assed "Love ya!" as they left for an honor ride for someone who had passed the previous month due to a drunk driver. With those 7 words, my life shattered. My son and I were living in their home until I could get our own home, which I was close to! Within a week, they were both declared dead. I moved out of the house a few weeks ago. The cats went to good homes. But now, I'm in a brand new town with my biological father (its a whole thing I'm not getting into. just know I'm adopted but my dad knew my dad) and step mom. My brother's fiancee has been hurtful throughout the whole thing, especially to me for some reason. Being here has been freaking me out a bit. I feel safe with my dad, and I want my son safe too. But being here... It isn't right. My boyfriend is in my old town and I broke down, saying I needed to come home. I keep feeling like my parents are going to come through the door at any point, and my conscious knows they aren't. I'm at a point where I'm breaking down and freaking out. My son is agitating me more than I thought he could. I keep telling myself, "Your child is your peace" but his excessive crying isn't helping me calm down. To top it off, I just started a job at Denny's amidst COVID. I'm scared and panicked and I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself "1 year! That's all it is!" but I don't even know if that's right anymore. Now I keep going off on my boyfriend over the smallest things and I don't want to push him away. I'm 20 years old. I should have this shit figured out... I really should...

There's nothing you should have figured out. You will never not be figuring things out for your whole life, no one has anything figured out, were all guessing all the time, any and every age, any and every occupation, any and every path of life is a guessing game and most people pretend like they have it figured out. don't expect so much of yourself because it just makes hitting the ground harder every time.

your child cannot bear the burden of being your peace. You must trust me on this. It may sound like hurtful words but please think on it. I was given that burden by my father and he treated me like a god damn monster my whole life because I wasnt what he expected me to be. And eventually I became the very monster he believed me to be, and I regret my life entirely for his sake. I am far too lost from failing at what people expected me to be, and I have no idea who or what I am because of it. I have stepped back from the ledge of suicide many of times and I realize its for people like you, people in your situation, that are clouded by the ideas they were told to believe about life and love and respect and purpose.

That peace you're searching for will never come from an external source. It must come solely from within you. Once you are at peace within yourself, matters of the external world have little effect. Matters of the external world begin to realign with your understanding.

The path to your peace is entirely for you to find, and it starts with breathing. Deliberate, conscious breathing; practice simply the method of deliberate breathing and it will grant you the ability to focus on one thing. And once you have that ability, these paths will reveal themselves within you, but they are never without the continued practice of deliberate breathing. There is no mastering this, only continued maintenance. If you think you mastered it, you're walking backwards.

Much like this, what you believe you should have figured out is a facade, and the believe will instead become your daily practice, and the universe will follow suit, giving you all the reasons to believe you're less than what you should be. The world is giving you every opportunity to hate yourself and regret your life, but it will do just the same for you if you practiced breathing instead of thinking. The world will give you every opportunity to breath and to then see clearly without the poison of thought and belief.

Your brothers fiance has nothing to do with your life and that wont change in the long run, people only care about themselves which is why the world is falling apart. Let her world fall apart, because people aren't mean to others because they're happy and got it figured out, theyre mean because theyre miserable and hate themselves regardless of how they carry themselves. You have no reason to take her shit. If she can get away with treating you like crap, you have all the right to retaliate properly. Not hurting anyone but just letting her know that she's being an awful person, and when she says "how am I being awful to you?" you say "I'm not answering any of your questions, just know youre being an awful person to me", and if she pushes and pushes and pushes you walk yourself in front of a mirror and wait for her to see herself, tell her she wont want to be treated the way shes treating you. Remember there is no response to her that will change her behavior, she has to see it herself, and that means no feedback. Only her own terrible words and thoughts will echo in her mind and she will hear only herself. Don't add to the conversation. Present the understanding and it will be her choice to take it. Present the understanding every time with a deliberate breath and it will be evident to her that she is in the wrong. Present to her the understanding, but do not expect anything - another's revelation is not for us to experience or celebrate. There is no peace there, only stimulation which declines after its peak.

Your parents have transitioned. Death is a construct, an indescribable change, but not an End. Their essence is still alive and part of the universe, and they feel only love.

There is a much bigger family you have here in the universe, outside of your bloodline. Do not hold on to the idea that the people we consider family will be anything more than the rest of us. Its like laying a foundation of quicksand, hoping one of them will through you a rope - but they're all in the same quicksand.

You can carry a self-contrived shame about what you last said to your parents your whole life and it will only bring you pain and hardship. There is no sense in hating yourself for what the cycle of life is no matter the path, there is nothing to gain from wishing you said this or that, there is no making up for this concept, no repent strong enough, because this concept is born in you and held only by you - because your parents cannot speak to you with physical voices and tell you it's silly to feel this way. Not a single atom in this universe doubts your love, we see it even when you don't.

All this may have you feeling a whole lot, and for that I am sorry. I do not like to mince my words, and I never speak unless my heart urges me to do so. This will come to you in time as well, your heart will understand it all, and you will be able to use your mind instead of being burdened by it. Unfortunately in many ways I am still burdened by my brain, but there was enough practice and acceptance to open an channel in my heart just for matters like this. I've chosen to be a vessel through which the universe speaks. When I see someone in need, I often am desperate to understand how to help yet fail to do so, but there are times where it simply flows through me and I understand it is no longer me talking - so please understand you are loved, an no one is holding judgement for what you have and have not done; no one but you.

You must decide not to hold on to these ideas of what you should be or what others should be or how they should act or how you should feel about one thing or another. These beliefs are the burden shrouding your peace. If we start to change some of our patterns of thought and beliefs, the universe will eventually provide the very experience of those thoughts and beliefs - quite similar to the pain and the external hardships you experience now, they fall in line with what you think and believe about yourself and others. It takes time to change these thoughts, but again it starts with breathing- granting you control of your mind and granting the vission to see what thoughts are just synapses re-firing to fill the unbearable silence.

I hope all of this reaches you in good time. My deepest condolences for your pain.

Hey, I'm not going to say much more than what omverse already said, since it was very deep and caring. Just wanted to say: you're a fighter. You're dealing with so many troubles and I truly admire all of your courage and all your agitated feelings. But don't forget, you still have a lot of love: from your parents(even though they are not physically here to tell you), your biological father, from your boyfriend and from your son(even though he's not able to say it, yet). Hold on to those feelings and fight and fight to have the best future you could have and that you can have because with all of what has happened to you, you deserve a happy ending.
Good luck, girl.💪