Im officially done. I have no more energy to put towards life. I have very little to my name, I have a huge heart and an intelligence I recognize in few people but I am also friendless, thousands of miles from family, cant have a fuckin pet, cant afford to work on creeative projects, cant afford to do the things I want to do. Top it off I have to be clinically disabled and now I am finally deciding to stop pursuing life. Im deciding my dreams are unatainable and reliefing myself of that self appropriated duty because it has only brought me pain.

I will sit and be a waste like my body always urges me to be, wasting away. I can only give up on myself and get back up so many times. I can only make so many mistakes and so many amends. I cannot assign myself to any responsibility or purpose without fucking it up over and over and over and over and over and overe again I cant try and try again anymoer, imn not getting stronger, im getting crazier, more violent towards myself ansd others. I am not a violent person yet I was arrested for the first time in my life 6 months ago for threatening someones life over the phone.

I have have dozens of jobs, several therapists, multiple medications, diets, routines, maintenance. Everytime I think I have a handle on my mental illness and try to produce something creative or help someone or fuckin work on a DIY home project, it backfires. I end up hurting someone or myself. I end up broke as fuck. I end up with less than I ever started with.

I try to help people online and give advice and an hour later im clawing at my scalp because my brain is on fire and my thoughts are magma and every thought every memory creates a physically violent reaction and those reactions are becoming more frequent and I continue to assign myself to some purpose and try to make something as if it will heal my, as if there is a god that will see i am so fuckin sorry for being what I am and failing as changing all these years. and i try help people but I end up here, looking into the mirror knowing any thought that comes from this sick sick mind will only hurt others. I cant help people. I cant help myself. and I am not so much giving up as finally FINALLY fucking admitting that im incapable and I have no place in philanthropic matters. I have to finally admit that I am not here to help others. Not here to try and fix everything. Not here to fulfill a purpose because when I try I end up nearly homeless and using all my energy to prevent hurting/killing myself.

I cannot live this life and I am certain Im in hell and died on that couch 10 years ago when I attempted suicide. Im in hell and I repent daily and try to help others and make a difference and I end up spiraling into a rage and someone gets hurt because im in hell and being punished everyday.

I try to get a hold on my brain patterns and emotional tendencies and they change whenever I get a grasp on them. I develop routines and they become painful in themselves and I have to change them again and then more pain and then change but I have less and less everytime I try to bne better and frankly I just want to pack a bag and go into the woods and let myself starve and feed nature. god it would be the firsts time I took a nice nature walk in a long long long long long fucking timwe. I cannot bare to life this culture, this money material life this political world, consimer world, the world is already fucked so Im better off doing what I always wanted to do and just walk the woods til im dead. but im addicted to this life and to purpose and trying and im addicted to thinking I can mae a difference and Im addicted to thinking I can help people appreaciate their life so I can convince myself I appreciate it to. I am out of fuckin answers. all I can do is stoip trying because im trying too fuckin hard for nothing and for no one.

I've read them all... I'm sorry that you had to get through all of that man, I really do.