This is probably silly and I am overreacting. But I have depression and online school is hard. I had turned in no work so I'll retake the year. But I worked so hard in school. I got 4-5 hours of sleep on a good day, I grew white hairs from stress, I constantly over thought small and big issues, and I always worked hard on my grades. Online school is hard, nobody motivates you and I just hated it. All my hard work is down the drain. My mom is disappointed in me and I can't look her in the eyes. My dad left our family but visits our house and he gives my sister gifts but doesn't even look at me.

I have been getting more suicidal thoughts and I need help. I know and I don't wanna make my mom pay the price for my death. I have a bottle of pills and I just wanna down some. I texted hotlines but my data and wifi doesn't work. I don't wanna die, but life is so hard. Is it worth living for? Why did I work so hard in school? This was the shittiest years of my life and I don't have the energy to live anymore. I don't wanna keep waking up in the morning. I need somebody to talk to. My mom could worry less about me, one less person to take care of. I need counseling and someone that could help me. Please, I don't wanna die like this.

Hon, you need help, professional help. Depression is one hell of a struggle that we have to fight every day of our lives. It’s not something that we can just push aside by ourselves & I say “we” because I struggle with depression among other things. I know you feel like a failure & those few times you feel truly accomplished no one will spare you a second glance. I know it can be hard to believe but your life is precious, YOU are worthy of happiness and love. I swear to you just keep fighting and you’ll find your light, you’ll find your reason to live & you will be happy. You will have your “bad days” & dealing with depression isn’t constant progress. Keep fighting. You’ll have to retake a year for school, that’s fine! You said it yourself you gave it all you had. So don’t you beat yourself up for it. I really hope you read this, I know you’ll come out on top. xo

I think that the pressure that you are getting from your family seems quite important and that it plays a big role in this case, but you have to know that your life is important and you can also choose to try changing it.
It is not a problem if you make your studies in a few more years then what is expected. You should take your time doing what you can or what you want and trying to have more time for yourself (to sleep more for example). Also, try to follow YOUR dreams/ambitions, and not the ones that poeple are expecting for you.
I am a student also, and i know that i can't work efficiently if i don't sleep enough, and i become less and less agreeable when i am not having enough sleep. I think that you personal health matters more then anything else. You shouldn't let your studies destroy your health and your tought.If you need to study more but it harms your everyday life, maybe try letting some exams aside and pass those on the next exam session.
Maybe seing a professionnal could help more, but from my little point of view, i have to say to you that you are important, you can do great stuff and have a great life, even if life is sometimes unfair and can be very demotivating.
Try not to live for someone else's dreams, but for yourself. Being selfish is a thing, but sacrifying your life for someone's sake isn't a good thing.
If you can, try working with some poeple you know in video-chat, it is much more motivating and you can ask from your friends support!
And remember, it is not the grades that you recieve at school that are making what you are. It is not because you fail once or twice, or even more that you are not good at doing stuff. It is the capability that you can have to learn from failing and to grow up from those that will make you being proud of yourself and of what you achieved. None have ever learnd anything from succeeding perfectly to everything. It is the mistakes that makes you learn.
I hope this message doesn't sound too much like a lesson of life, because i really don't mean to give one. I just hope i can give you a bit of motivation, a bit of self-confidence, and to tell you again: YOUR LIFE AND HAPPINESS MATTERS!

Honestly I'm impressed. Most people that have reached the point that you're at tend to just give up and take the pills but you aren't. Depression is difficult, very difficult. That won't change. Is suicide a solution to your problems? Maybe, but it is not the right one. There's a reason you have struggled so much to survive so why end it now? Why not look for something that interests you or makes you happy and then pursue that? It's sad to say but I can't give you a reason to keep on living. Just like nobody else can. You need to find that for yourself. I won't tell you to better yourself as a person or to stop whining because that stuff just never works. Coming from someone that has had similar experiences, don't give up. Don't let depression win. Find something to work towards and do it fast. The longer it takes to reach that reason for living, the more it will affect you. I've been in the disapproving gaze from everyone around me in the past. Everyone makes mistakes and that's what makes us human. I can't tell you to forgive yourself for your mistakes because I haven't done that myself. The world needs more good people and you are one of those good people. You didn't just give up on life because it got hard, you decided to fight back and use as many resources as you could to struggle to survive. Not to mention, you thought about what your mother would have to deal with. Most people don't think about that but you did. Shouldn't somebody like that grow up and better the world? Well I'm not saying that I expect that of you because when you're expected to do something for the world you start to fall apart again. I'm just saying it's a possibility. You have the possibility to do great things but better yet you have the possibility to do something that saves you. "I've never regretted something I've done. I've only regretted the things I didn't." I like that quote a lot. Which would you regret more: deciding to live or not to live?