TW: attempted suicide;

Hi. I just wanted to share my current situation and insights while being home quarantined for two months.

As a working adult, who just got out of the university last year, I thought I could finally have it together and start a new life after being depressed in my whole life as a teen. But this pandemic happened and I've never felt so idle in my whole life up until this moment. To be fair, I'm currently working from home and can still pay the bills (thankfully). Living in third world country, when you're not from a rich or well-off family, you'll have to prepare yourself as you might soon enough pay respects to your dead childhood dreams. Society will never be fair and not everyone is lucky to have a prosperous and fulfilled life.

I don't usually do it but... I tried to be optimistic despite knowing all those. Because there has to be a reason why I'm still alive today. There has to be a reason that I wasn't able to end my life during one of those dark days where I find hopelessness and emptiness in everything. As of the moment, I am trying everything I can to not go back to that state. The current situation... is making it incredibly difficult. I can barely have the energy to wake up everyday and do the same thing over and over and over again. Everyday feels like Dejavu. Thus, why I ended up here - revisiting the site I used to go to when I needed to escape reality during my early teen years. I remember wanting to be like Izaya but ended up realizing that I would definitely square up if I meet someone like him in real life. If he was real, he would be a really lonely person, huh?

Anyways, I just recently came to accept that nothing will ever go back to normal. Because our previous 'normal' should not be considered as such. This virus had revealed that many people are apparently unhygienic, apathetic, and stupidly egotistic. I may want to die with no care in the world before but now when I'm trying to heal myself? My soul will be enraged.

There are people who are trying harder to live. People who still hold on to their pipe dreams because who knows? - maybe they'll be the lucky ones this time. People who are struggling and unfortunate enough to not know much about the current situation. It's very frustrating. I feel miserable everyday and I question myself why do I care so much. Is this what I have gained from trying to get better? What? Empathy? I wish everyone has it but unfortunately it's almost rare. Because everyday I watch governments fail their people. I've seen how ruined economies are and the capitalists are not too happy about lockdowns. I've seen people lost their loved ones without being able to see and hold them for the last time while others want their freedom back. I've watched people like me, slowly deteriorating back to a numb state as we see people around us not care about the despair of others - because it's not yet their turn to suffer from it.

After this... this tragedy, - because I can sense somehow that we are not at the peak yet - I don't want us to go back to our 'normal' ways. I hope we can treat others kindly. Be more empathetic. And do not be afraid to hold people accountable if it's for the peace of someone who's suffering. And lastly, take care of yourself. Hang in there. We've gotten this far. We can do this.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I often feel just the same.

I've taken time directly for creative pursuits just to make myself laugh and feel like I'm creating something.

On of my favorite things to do is curate playlists on soundcloud. It's just for me, and I listen to them when I work or exercise, but there has been a vicarious purpose cultivating beneath it, When you share and like and comment so often and make around 75 playlists or all different genres, and you put a little production into it like creative titles for the playlists and art themes for each genre. Its just a lot of fun doing it, but it's gotten a little attention. Enough to where I go look into an artist 5 years ago and his following increased 700% - of course I claim no credit, their music got them there, but then repost one of their latest tracks and you can literally watch the proliferation before your eyes. Then the musician messages you with praises when all you did was enjoy their music enough to click a few buttons.

I believe these are the little things that are going to help reinvent and revitalize our global community. Talking with people around the world, checking out what they're creating, sharing it everywhere, because everyones pipe dreams are implausible with the western marketing industry in mind. But when we really take hold of the power in a comunity, we learn to support eachother, and our dreams are created collectively.

Take a look at the early access system for steam; a game can be created as people play it, as people support its progression into a full game.

There is a huge change occurring withing the dust and debris of the pandemic. This same online community attitude is going to permeate into local communities over time.

The experience of joining a community that is freely involved in development of an amazing product is something that will be found in local business and product marketing.

As people we will take a look at a finished product for $100, made by a company whose sole purpose is profit --- then see another of the same produce for $10, a product produced by a free community, of which the creators will receive full support from.

No one makes a billion dollars off a mediocre product, no one sells a product that wasn't approved by unpaid, unsolicited humans. I expect this is the normalcy we will aspire towards in many facets; which will compound the issue of direct individual needs, having been overlooked for blanket profiting.

And because the money from this profiting pools into specific regions, you get classes of country, but that will be a thing of the past as you say. The people will work to support the people, no matter where they reside, and the corporations will have to adjust dramatically to their new profit margins.

But I believe the People must work to present their dreams to the world now, and allow us to support each other directly from our pockets, instead of everyone hoping they get accepted into the corporations that would sell their product.

It's apparent that there is no avenue that can't make money, that there isn't a following for. We have the tools to find and support each other in the fruition of our dreams and not starve while doing it.

Kind of similar for me.

The world as it is always depressed me, yet luckily I was somewhat successful in creating my own insula of escapism which pays the bills, even though it's only borderline legit. I won't be getting rich from it, but as long as I feel happy, that's okay.

One thing which always defined me was that I absolutely cannot relate to most people and what they do, or let's better say, what they value in their life. I never got why someone would desperatly need the fastest car or the biggest house. Yet we live in a world where 10% of the people are so rich that they own more than the other 90% combined.

omverse: I'm not such a fan of games evolving into finished products while people are playing them, as there is much scam involved. But for the most part, I agree.

We cannot support the world's population by producing goods at the cheapest (and unsafest) places only and then shipping them around the world. It's obvious from the fact of how many people, including children, out there are starving to death, while at some other place someone is whining that he can't own two sport cars and a pool anymore due to Corona.