I just sorta need to get this off my chest, tbh... So, I used to have a crush on this girl but I didn't realize it was a crush until everything went to absolute shit. She was my best friend and back then I didn't know girls could like other girls so I simply thought it was normal for me to notice how attractive she was in a platonic way. But I only realized that this wasn't platonic when I had to seperate from her. I thought it'd be fine, because we'd only be seperated for at most 2 years so I tried to use that time to try to sort myself and everything out but then, well, everything went to shit. We lost every single one of our close friends because they betrayed us, including that girl's family. Every last one of us was screwed over. I can't even allow anyone to know I was once associated with her. I had to delete every single one of my social medias in fear, make new ones and forget everything related to them. I threw out any gifts my friend had given me. But I know she lives in the same city as me, I know that we're only a single coincidence away from seeing each other. I hate how much I long for even a single glimpse of her. I hate how much I hope for her to contact me, give me some type of closure. I tried to forget about her by going out with guys and I even went as far as trying to lose my virginity just to try to purge her out of my system, but I couldn't do it because I kept thinking about her. I couldn't hold any of those relationships for more than a month because all I could think about was her. I hate this. I hate her.

I guess the last sentence you wrote is the most important one: You hate her. Love and Hate are close to each other, and sometimes they are almost indistinguishable.

From what you write, it seems that you try to erase all these bad feelings from your brain. That's impossible. The only thing which works is creating new memories... which will make the older ones fade away a little bit.

What you can do is allowing new experiences to happen. Allowing yourself to love another, new person. The memories will stay with you, but the more new things you allow in your life, the less painful the old things will become.

Trust in yourself. This girl didn't treat you the way you expected things to happen. You did not like what she did. That is okay. I'd say the best thing you could do is doing what makes you happy. From what you said, you are doing alll kinds of things just to forget, which doesn't work. For example, it won't make you happy dating boys if you are not gay or bi.

I really hope things are better now.